by Roving Reporter, ©2023

(Jan. 26, 2023) — “Rhinestone Cowboy” (3:28)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. ‘Pulse’ is a ‘string’ operation because we can’t even afford the ‘shoe,’ but nevertheless, we have managed to make an impact in some small way. We know for a fact that at least one government employee keeps tabs on us and there may be others as well, and not limited to the U.S. Usually I would say, ‘Welcome, Deep-Staters,’ but I don’t like Deep-Staters, Dems, or anyone else who does not support our Constitution 100%. There are cemeteries all around the world with young Americans resting for eternity having fought for our way of life, the life that Biden is trying to destroy forever and ever.

“We have election corruption right out there in the open — in our faces — and for proof look no farther than Georgia, or Michigan, Arizona and, what the heck, everywhere, from Pennsylvania to Ukraine. And it can’t get any worse, now, can it? Who needs Dems when we have the likes of Lisa Murkowski and Mitch McConnell?

“Our featured guest is an old friend to this station, one who has guest-hosted on many occasions: Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky, a retired professor of psychology who once worked for the VA but got fired for refusing to prescribe ‘Zombie’ pills (methaqualone, aka Quaaludes or ‘ludes) to PTSD patients.

“Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Mind if we call you ‘Zork?’

“Please do. The opening was right on target, but I’m not here to hash over yesterday’s news. No, I’m here to hash over last century’s news: pollution, specifically at large river estuaries. We are a species of animal that is soiling our own cage and, even though we know the harm we’re doing, we aren’t doing anything about it.”

“Yes, we’ve had a couple of guests who feel the same way: Chief New Leaf and Henry come to mind.”

“Yes, I know them well. Here’s the deal: you can talk until the cows come home but if you don’t nip the bud by the horns, all you’re doing is treading water. I hear talk about spending, and I see illegal immigrants and terrorists collecting* Food Stamps. I hear more talk about pollution, but I don’t see any requirements for plastic bottle deposits and the same for oil. People talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.”

“You mentioned estuaries.”

“Yes, ground zero, the place to start. Find evidence of pollution and start going upstream and stop it along the way at the source. That’s how it’s done. One polluter at a time, meanwhile giving notice that fines and prison terms may be in order.”

“That would get someone’s attention.”

“Yes, and make it read, ‘NO EXCEPTIONS.’

“I guess that would leave bribes out of the picture.”

“Yes, clean up or shut down. No middle ground. No payoffs to the EPA or politicians. And do it for every drainage ditch and stream; let no trickle of water be exempt from being as clean as a thousand years ago.”

“What would be the immediate results?”

“The Mediterranean would have disease-free fish, as would the Great Lakes and every river in the world, including China and India. Imagine the Ganges River clean? Or the Mekong and Nile?”

“That takes care of the rivers, but don’t you have another bone to pick with the UN?”

“You bet, land mines. Outlaw them on pain of death, no pun intended.”

“So you think the UN could actually do the world a world of good?”

“If you could pay people to clean up and not kill one another, then the UN could do good. But if bribes, theft, kickbacks and under-the-table deals are accepted as a way of life, then we’ll continue to poison our world and inflict untold suffering on humans and animals alike by allowing land mines to be manufactured and used. End of story.”

“And that’s the end of our time, I’m afraid. So, let’s clean and dig up our mistakes, shall we? This is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of Zork, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Illegal immigrants and terrorists: Open borders and Muslims.]

[Not one penny or tank to Ukraine.]

[Question: Does anybody remember the Keystone Pipeline and who killed it? Henry will restore it.]

Cotton Fields” (3:15)

Roving Reporter

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