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by Roving Reporter, ©2022

Photo: The White House

(Dec. 27, 2022) — “Christmas classic gets Rand Paul revision” (3:42)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest says he has an important announcement so let’s get on with it and listen to what he has to say.”

“Thank you, Mr. Roving, for such an uplifting and informative introduction. Hello, my name is Henry and, like Barry Soetoro, aka Obama, I wasn’t born in the United States and my father wasn’t a U.S. citizen, but what do we care, right? I mean you let the usurper Obama act as your president for eight years and lived with it, so I figure I’ve as much chance to be your president as Obama had.

“First thing I’d do is deport all Muslims and then deport all the illegal immigrants. That’s the first hour of the first day.

“During the first half-hour of my second hour of my first day I’d tell China they have 24 hours to leave Tibet and if any harm or damages occur to anything, one Chinese warship will be sunk for each infraction.

“During the last half-hour of the second hour I will abolish the FBI, DOJ, and CDC.

“During the third hour of my new administration I will name my cabinet and Joint Chiefs of Staff*, and then I will close the borders. In the future only the people we want will be able to apply for citizenship.

“And, as a reminder, I have a ray gun that I may not want to use but I’ll use it if I have to, so you Fake News people better start reporting the truth. There; I think that’s all I wanted to say, so any of you out there, just write in ‘Henry’ on the 2024 ballot and I won’t disappoint you.”

“What about Trump?”

“Think ‘VP’ and we got ourselves a deal. Look, not to be rude, but I’ve got to hit the campaign trail. So long.”

“Well, that was rather exciting. Let’s pause for a quick commercial break; don’t go anywhere.”

Biden Did You Know?” (3:47)

“And we’re back with one of the best, if not the most well-known author of amateur psychology textbooks, Professor Zorkophsky. Welcome to “Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. What have you got for us today; mind if I call you ‘Zork?’

“Not at all. Glad to be here in the guise of a marriage counselor. I want to talk about love if I may?”

“You may.”

“Very well and thank you. First, there are no rules and, because there are no rules, the only way to feel bad is by choice. Allow me to explain.”

“Please do after this short break.”

Pretty Blue Eyes” (1:57)

“And we’re back with Zork who is going to tell us there are no rules in love, is that right?”

“Yes, at least I’ll try. Let me give you an example, a fairly common example among combat- related stress-affected Veterans who have had or are having a hard time trying to get back to some semblance of normal behavior. It has been my professional experience that all my PTSD patients want to get well and are desperately trying to get well. These people suffer from real or imagined problems, but whether imagined or not, the results are the same: drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and a sense of detachment, sometimes completely when the Veteran shuts down and shuts off from the one(s) he loves. The solution is to either shut off the world through abandonment or suicide: one or the other.”

“Sounds rather extreme.”

“Be that as it may, that’s what they have to deal with; something has to give.”

“So, that’s why so many commit suicide?”

“In my profession, treating PTSD patients, we call it ‘eating a bullet,’ the sure way of calling it quits.”

“Rather drastic, don’t you think?”

“But effective. Getting back to my story: this patient of mine leaves his wife, gets divorced, remarries, and then divorces his second wife, quits the drugs, alcohol, tobacco, goes back to college where he makes straight ‘A’s’ and visits his first wife, doesn’t say a word, and off he goes again.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, if he doesn’t have her but says something and still doesn’t have her; so what? He didn’t lose anything; I mean, you can’t lose what you don’t have, right?”

“And that’s the point: he called her, she answered and instead of saying, ‘I love you’ he said, ‘You’re divorced.’

“He chickened out?”

“You bet, because he was afraid to take the chance of her saying, ‘Get lost.’

“But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Oh, yes it does because it’s the difference of really not having her to just your normal not having her.”

“I’m beginning to think you need a session yourself.”

“Then let me put it to you this way: it’s the difference between eating the bullet or going through life wishing you had said those three words.”

“Either or?”

“Door one or door number two.”

“How many Veterans eat a bullet every day?”

“One is one too many.”

“Couldn’t agree with you more. So what do you tell them?”

“I tell them to do their best and let the pieces fall where they may and that some things you can change and some things you can’t, but you sure can’t if you’re dead with a bullet in your brain.”

“You say that to them?”

“And why not? Look, I haven’t lost one of my patients yet, so there.”

“Well, whatever works.”

“And that’s my motto, ‘Whatever Works.’ Better to be alive and missing her than to be dead and buried; at least that’s how I go about conducting the treatment of my patients.”

“Apparently it works in some perverted way.”

“Maybe so, but my track record speaks for itself.”

“And a very good record it is.”

“Thank you.”

“We’ll pause for a short commercial break.”

Big Man” (2:20)

“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky who was just telling us that one of the ways to treat PTSD is to open avenues of communication in whatever form. Which ways are you talking about?”

“I had a patient who only expressed himself through photos. When he first came to me all he had was pictures of dead birds that he found in parks but when he left it was photos of couples walking hand in hand, presumably at the same parks.”

“That’s nice; any more?”

“One patient used to bring me fudge that he made himself, but as he improved, he would bring crepes suzette minus the brandy, hot in an electric skillet.”

“That’s nice and that’s all the time we have and so, on behalf of Zork, this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Source: DOD

[*Joint Chiefs of Staff: Look, masks don’t work against a virus; heck, even a high school biology student knows that much. Want to see how stupid our military leaders are? Look no farther than the photo of the Joint Chiefs of Staff with their stupid masks on.]

Tomorrow  is a Long Time” (3:01)

Roving Reporter

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  1. Fun to read stuff, but I doubt that you have a chance of getting elected. That is, unless you have some serious connections with the CIA and Deep State! Like so many other things which have been going on in our country for the last two decades (maybe even for the last 70 years or so!). In a slightly related way, I saw where Glenn Beck describes what’s happening in America as NOT being what it seems, but an actual conflict between Good versus Evil, God versus Satan. I don’t doubt it, except that Obama, the CIA, Deep State, the NWO, and others who are anti-American are playing roles in the END GAME, too. Come to think of it, “Henry,” I guess we could use you on God’s side in the White House! WHATEVER WORKS!

    1. Dear Thomas,
      Thank you for your kind words. Just remember me in the voting booth!
      And remember, I have a ray gun that forces people to come clean and confess to any wrongdoings. Many-a-time I have zapped a lawyer and the next thing they do is drive straight to jail! Saves us a few steps.