by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Sep. 2, 2022) — “Honky Tonk Women” (3:25)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest tonight is the well-known author of bestselling textbooks for the amateur psychiatrist, Professor Zorkophsky. Welcome aboard, Professor; glad to have you back.”
“And glad to be back, but, please, call me ‘Zork’ since I feel it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere. Wouldn’t want to be intimidating to my patients, now would we?”
“I suppose not. By the way, are you still practicing, and if so, what is your patient load?”
“As many as I can fit into my office. I have ten cubicles plus, of course, the reception area.”
“By the way, where is your office?”
“Have you seen the rent those shysters want these days for a little bit of space? Why, even in the strip malls the vultures demand $5 a square foot; my patients can’t afford that.”
“So, where is your office?”
“I rent a storage garage, okay? Look, many of my patients are homeless Vets, so I do a lot of them pro bono and, besides, the ones that can pay I add a little extra, and then there are those that have insurance. I also see patients on the Internet.”
“We get it. So, you said you have an announcement of sorts?”
“You bet. Look, I wrote another bestseller; at least I hope it’ll be. It’s the culmination of the transcripts that were published in ‘The ‘P&E.’”
“All of them?”
“Just the best since July of 2011.”
“Is that the book there? How is it categorized. I mean, by date?”
“Well, now, let’s say we have a look, shall we?”
“Let’s do.”
“Overall, it is presented by date, but if you look here, right after the dedication page by OPOVV, no less, you will see the table of contents by author, guest, and subject matter. See here? List of songs followed by the pictures that Sharon, the editor of The P&E, chooses for the editorial. Then there are the poems and plays. It’s all here for easy reference. And look, let’s say you want an editorial with a certain word: no problem. See? Maybe you want to know which editorial used the word ‘Judas,’ or which used the phrase ‘chalkboard on wheels.’”
“Right here. And look, here’s a recent photo of the paratroopers. Pretty neat, don’t you think?”
“I like it. Kind-of like a ‘Reader’s Digest’ format, right?”
“Yes, it is, in a way.”
“I don’t see a title; I mean, ‘Cream of the Editorials’ doesn’t work for me.”
“Haven’t decided yet, which is one of the reasons why I’m on your show; I was hoping that the audience would write in with suggestions for the title.”
“And you hope to have it out by Christmas, is that it?”
“Actually, we’re shooting for Thanksgiving.”
“Be a great stocking-stuffer.”
“We like to think so.”
“How much?”
“$19.95 and free shipping. Truthfully, it will be $19.95 including shipping. The book is fifteen dollars and $4.95 for shipping.”
“Sounds reasonable. What was the hardest part in putting it all together?”
“Besides deciding which ones to discard, the table of contents was a real pain.”
“How many editorials did you have to pass up; I mean, how many didn’t make the grade?”
“None.”
“I’m sorry, did you just say ‘none,’ as in not a one?”
“I couldn’t do it, they were all so good, so, yes, they’re all here, all of them up ‘til yesterday.”
“I think it be a good time to take a break. You leaving? Okay, good luck on your book and I hope our viewers write in suggestions for the title, which they can do at the comment section at the end of the transcript. Thank you for stopping by. Be right back.”
“Ghost Riders in the Sky” (2:46)
“And we’re back with Mary Beth. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Okay, what do you do for a living and why do you want to be on the show?”
“I’m a small business owner – I own a travel agency – and, ever since the last election in Alaska where the Dem got more than one vote, I refuse to book any trips to anyplace where there are just too many stupid people to contend with.”
“No more inland passage cruises to Alaska, no more grizzly-watching and no more salmon fishing. If Arizona elects Kari Lake for governor, I’ll book to the Grand Canyon. Nothing to California. Florida is a yes but no Disney.”
“Ever been to Alaska?”
“Yes, and it was full of some wonderful people, but just one look at Lisa Murkowski (who voted to impeach Trump the second time) kind-of turns my stomach, and that’s all there is to it. And, I might add, I’m not alone in the way I think.”
“Not at all. I agree with you. Anything else you want to say?”
“Close the darn border, or can’t the Dems figure out at least that much?”
“Apparently not.”
“Right. Anyway, thanks for being on the show. Let’s take a quick break; be right back.”
“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” (3:01)
“And we’re back, but no guest. Our editor told me to answer some of our mail that, really, now, I’m supposed to do at the end of each show but, well, here goes:
Dear Mr. Roving,
What major news programs do you watch?
Curious,
Beauty Pageant Queen
Dear Queen:
Everything on ’Real America’s Voice.’ And I’d like to make an endorsement, my first, by the way. If you could only watch one half-hour news program, I recommend Jack Posobiec; hour-long would be Steve Bannon.
__________
Dear Mr. Roving,
You don’t seem to have any opposing views; what gives?
Concerned
Dear Pretending to be Concerned:
Sorry, just don’t have the time for stupidity.
“Okay, I’ve just a few minutes left so I’ll hop on my soapbox and speak my two cents’-worth.
“Obama, aka Barry Soetoro, used the NAZI playbook, Chapter One, but the other night Biden used the whole ball of wax: visuals by Albert Speer; speech by Joseph Goebbels; acting coach by Adolf Hitler.
“Biden went over the top by threatening us with fighter jets, saying that our guns aren’t enough. I don’t know who whispers lies in Biden’s ear, but our guns are enough, make no mistake about it, which is why all the armed IRS ‘agents willing to kill’ are being hired. These so-called ‘agents’ will attempt to confiscate our guns by declaring the Second Amendment null and void without a Constitutional Amendment.
“A Declaration of War now exists between those who support the Constitution and those who hate America. Closing the Keystone pipeline was the trigger for the increased price for a barrel of oil which directly caused our runaway inflation, empty shelves, and lost jobs.
“The NAZI playbook dictates inventing a catastrophe and blaming it on others; creating mayhem and blaming it on guns that must be confiscated AT ALL COSTS; allows for civil liberties to be circumvented for ‘the good of the country.’
“And that’s all we have time for, so I’ll thank you for watching and remind you to suggest the title of Zork’s new book in the comment section. Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Reminder: MAGA does not mean to make Trump great again; MAGA means to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.]
“Am I Blue” (3:08)