by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Jul. 7, 2022) — “Bye Bye Love” (2:23)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We’re broadcasting from Rocks State Park, Maryland, where we are to meet with the Little People Paratrooper Division in a few minutes. Well, as long as we’re waiting, we might as well waylay someone to interview. Excuse me, sir, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most- watched information show in its time slot. Got a minute?”
“You see this hanging around my neck? It’s a number that proves I’m in a race to see who can finish this nature trail the fastest. Look over there; you see the water coolers and all those cups on those card tables, under the awnings? What about that big sign that says, ‘START-FINISH’? What about these stanchions with the ropes between them?”
“So? What’s your point? I’m working here and you’re not. I’m trying to save the world while you’re just stroking your ego by running a race that no one cares about; I mean, I don’t see a Formula One car and we’re not at Monte Carlo.”
“I know you; you’re that guy who has all those strange characters on. I used to watch you when you were on satellite; now my wife reads your stuff at breakfast whenever The P&E prints it.”
“That’s right. You wouldn’t, by any chance, be one of those ‘strange characters,’ would you?”
“Not me; I’m in a race.”
“That’s good; I like that. Tell me what is going on with your life these days?”
“Well, I guess you heard about how the NAZIs are cracking down on those protesters in the Netherlands, right? I mean, you being in the news business and all.”
“Yes, we’re aware of the tractors blocking the roads.”
“Well, I feel left out; I mean, I would want to protest with them, but big-like.”
“I’m sorry, but could you elaborate a bit?”
“Okay, this may sound a little bit crazy, but if I had a lot of money I’d buy me a tractor, the biggest one made, and join their blockade. I’d like to see the cops try and stop me then.”
“What about thinking a wee bit bigger?”
“Well, I could use a D9 Caterpillar. That’ll do it for sure. I bet they put me up on the front row. And I’d be sure to have one big huge humungous American flag waving in the breeze. But that would cost a heck of a lot of money so maybe not.”
“Not if you asked Santa.”
“I must say, Roving, at first I didn’t like you so much, but I must say I’ve changed my mind. What if Santa made an exception, you know, like an ‘emergency’ gift in the middle of the year?”
“Maybe because it’s not December?”
“So what? My philosophy is that rules are made to be broken, so I’ll write Santa a letter, maybe have him deliver a D9 over there and all I have to do is fly over and drive it.”
“And don’t forget the first-class round-trip ticket”
“Look, I don’t want to seem rude, but the heck with this stupid race; I’m going home and write Santa a letter. Bye, and thanks.”
“And off he goes and off we go to take a short commercial break.”
“Roughest Neck Around” (3:18)
“And we’re back with our featured guest, the Little People‘s General of the Paratroopers. Welcome aboard, General.”
“And glad to be here, Roving. I listened to your last guest, and I must say that if I were a General of a division in Europe that had tanks, I would order my tanks to join the tractor protest. I’m just as sick of this ‘New World Order’ baloney as everyone else.”
“Look, we’ve been following you all around, from New York to Georgia and back up to Virginia, and our audience would like to know what you have planned. At least give us some idea; could you do that?”
“I’ll say this: Trump will get back in but, by then, the Deep State will be more entrenched than ever. Secondly, Trump won’t name the people we need to clean up the mess that the government is in, not by a long shot. He’ll probably name some more ‘Yes’ people to be his administration, have a Secretary of Defense that’ll make our military as weak as it can be. I’m sorry: you asked, so I answered. Now, here’s the kicker: I may be wrong, and I hope I am. I hope that when Trump gets in, he cleans house. Fire everyone hired during the Obama and Biden years; fire every police officer in the USA who isn’t a Veteran and hire only gun-carrying Vets to be teachers, and that’s just for starters. Bring back the Draft, for real. Make Boot Camp the exact replica of WWII camps.”
“Is that how the Little People run their government?”
“Yes, and we have no BLM and ANTIFA make-believers to deal with, thanks to our lucky stars.”
‘So, I’ve asked this question to our guests who have firsthand knowledge of how our political system works: what is the weak link of our Republic?”
“That’s an easy one: most judges; most DA’s, especially the ones who withhold exculpatory evidence; most politicians who stay around for more than a couple of terms; and any employee of the Fake News, starting with PBS.”
“I visited your beautiful town hidden in the Adirondacks a few years ago, and I was amazed at the friendliness of your citizens. There didn’t seem to be any vestiges of crime, including lying or adultery. How so?”
“Easy, but you’re not going to believe it.”
“Try me.”
“About ten years ago, Professor Zorkophsky wrote a great work of science fiction, not as good as ‘A Canticle for Leibowitz,’ but he had an idea for a time machine which our ‘Department of War*’ built. What we do with any of our lawbreakers, the serious ones, is to send them back in time to a Comanche tribe (5:42), somewhere around 1800, with a note instructing the women of the tribe to administer the appropriate punishment. Some come back, which is okay, as a deterrent for others not to commit a crime or, really, now, not to even think of committing a crime, any crime at any time, ever. And it has worked wonders; trust me. We don’t have any child-molesters or rapists, not a one.”
“Wow, I must say, that is pretty impressive. And will you look at the time? I’m sorry to cut this interview short; we’ll have to have you back real soon. And that’s it for this installment of ‘Pulse’; hope you enjoyed the show. This is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of the General here, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*Department of War: If I were the Secretary of Defense, my first act would be to change the name from the ‘Department of Defense’ to the ‘Department of War.’ Then I would make our military one heck of a cohesive fighting machine; trust me. And I’d do it for free. I wouldn’t even think of taking a paycheck for any job that would be so meaningful for our country and so rewarding. And if any of today’s Joint Chiefs of Staff (I wish some PFC would tell them that masks don’t work) are still in the building, I’d send them back in time to the Comanches.]
[American Indian proverb: Only when the last tree has been cut down, the last fish been caught and the last stream poisoned will we realize that we cannot eat money.]
“Running Bear Little White Dove” (2:37)