by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(May 17, 2022) — “In the Middle of a Heartache” (2:25)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We’re on our way to Miss Bernard’s grade school classroom — oh, excuse me while I take this call. Hello. You say you’re a government whistleblower and have some breaking news for us? Sure, we’d like to hear it. What’s your name? Undecided? Okay, what’ve you got?”
“Just want to tell you that a new government department was secretly created and thought you should know.”
“Golly, what a great news-breaking story. Thanks for calling, and I’d appreciate it if you would lose my number.”
“But I called to tell you about some breaking news.”
“Then why don’t you tell us rather than wait for me to pull your teeth? You called; I answered and so far you haven’t said one word that anybody cares about. I must say that, as far as whistleblowers go, you’re at the bottom of the list. There’ll be no movie about you, this I can guarantee you. We’re pulling into the school’s parking lot so make it quick.”
“The government’s new department is called the ‘Department of Handlers’ and was created as soon as VP Mike Pence certified the fraudulent votes that created the disasters that we see worldwide today. And it’s not only for those old people who ramble incoherently, you know, like Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi, but also for the younger crowd. Matter of fact, every politician within the Beltway has handlers.”
“Excuse me, but did you say ‘handlers,’ as in more than one?”
“Oh, yes, more than one. Lindsey Graham has 3, Pelosi 33. Last time I counted, Biden has a battalion of handlers. Some write his speeches; some give him the answers to questions and some direct him where to walk. Why, there must be 20 handlers who tell him where to stand.”
“No way; you’re making this up.”
“I wish I were; I’m a taxpayer, too, you know. Just thought you’d like to know, that’s all.”
“But the politicians still keep saying really dumb stuff.”
“That’s because the kinks haven’t been ironed out yet. Give it time. But look at it this way: the politicians believe they’re being lucid; they really think people not only know what they’re talking about but agreeing with them as well.”
“Just the opposite of the truth.”
“Which is why they have the ‘Ministry of Truth,’ to disguise the unending lies, such as blaming Putin for the price of a gallon of gas having more than doubled what it was under Trump. Why, the first thing Biden did was to stop the Keystone Pipeline.”
“Okay, thanks for the info, Undecided. Let’s pause for this commercial and then go and see Miss Bernard.”
“Stardust” (3:00)
“Hello, kids and Miss Bernard, thank you for the invite. What’s cooking?”
“We’re on our way to the auditorium where we’ll conduct a school-wide survey of the people the kids admire the most. Please follow me. Let’s go, kids, single file, orderly and quiet; let’s show Mr. Roving how polite we are. Bobby, no pulling Sally’s braids.”
“Miss Bernard, you are in section ‘C.’”
“Thank you, Principal Rybinski. Have you met Roving?”
“Welcome, Roving. Big fan of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot; isn’t that what you say? Okay, students, I guess you all know about Mr. Roving here with his camera crew and the sound-boom girl holding that squirrel-looking thing above my head.”
(Sounds of laughter)
“Hi, kids. Glad to be here with Miss Bernard’s class.”
“You mean you’re glad to be here with Miss Bernard.”
(Even louder sounds of laughter)
“That’ll be enough catcalls, Bobby. Now we’re going to conduct a survey to determine how aware our school is of current events. There are no right or wrong answers; just answer the way you truthfully think. Now, raise your hand if you think that sanctuary cities are a good idea. Anybody? Not one? Will our 6th grade teacher please ask the next question.”
“If you had a daughter, raise your hand if you would prefer she turn out to be like Melania Trump or Michelle Obama, aka Mrs. Barry Soetoro? For Melania Trump, please raise your hand. Everyone? Miss Bernard, you’re next.”
“Students, if you had a son would you like him to be more like Trump than Biden? Looks unanimous, once again. Would any of you point to Biden as one with honesty, integrity and reliability? No one, not even one? Guess what, neither would I.
“And I’ll ask the last question: how many of you believe that the election was stolen? How many believe that Biden should walk away and let Trump be our duly-elected legal president? Again, another unanimous decision by our young Americans. Thank you.”
“And thank you, Miss Bernard. It seems as if our students are more up on current events than the viewers of CNN, MSNBC and The View combined. Thank you all for being so well-behaved, and now you can return to your classrooms.”
“And that’ll do it for us, too, but I’d like to know where these so-called ‘handlers’ come from.”
“Oh, I can answer that; they all come from the same pool that the CIA recruits from.”
“You mean the ‘Ivy League’ schools?”
“Precisely.”
“Well, I guess that makes sense. Anyway, we’re out of time; it’s been a real pleasure visiting Miss Bernard’s class and seeing how aware her students are. This is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of Miss Bernard, wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Great show. It’s burger time, join me: my treat.”
“White Silver Sands” (2:41)
Roving Reporter