by Roving Reporter, ©2022
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(Jan. 5, 2022) —“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Zorkophsky just published his long-awaited play, ‘History Repeating Itself, Again,’ that we’ll see forthwith, but first let’s chat with the author. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And thank you for having me, Roving. This is indeed a momentous occasion, showing a first-run play, but thanks to the loony governor of New York*, the ‘off-Broadway’ venues are off-limits. And please call me ‘Zork’ since I feel it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere.”
“In that case, break a leg, Zork.”
Introductory music.
“Victory at Sea” (0:57)
ACT I
As the music ends, the house lights dim while the curtain rises to the bridge of a US Navy frigate. The crew is in khakis and dungarees.
“Aye-aye, Captain, steering 2-7-0″ – pregnant pause – “steering 2-7-0, Sir.”
“Very well (turns and addresses the woman on his left). XO, I was thinking about making life on-board a little bit more difficult.”
“Yes, Sir, but may I ask why?”
“Well, I’ll tell you. Floating out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, going around in circles, reminds me of Godzilla and what a great inspiration he has been to me.”
“Godzilla, the giant lizard? Are you feeling all right, Sir?”
“Do you know that I’ve made inquiries about adopting a lizard, a talking one like the one in the GEICO commercials? I believe there’s enough space in my stateroom where we’d both be comfortable; I mean, how much space does a lizard take? You got the con.”
Captain exits stage right.
“XO, Helmsman Smith here, steady on course 2-7-0. Is the Captain feeling alright?”
“Sure is, actually; brilliant, I’d say, because it’s a darn good idea to have a lizard companion. I think I’ll look into the possibility myself. Steady on course 2-7-0, sailor.”
“Aye-aye; steady on course 2-7-0.”
Curtain lowers and then rises to “Anchors Aweigh” (0:37) where the stage is set as the mess deck. The bridge crew is at a table, center, with a smattering of mess cooks swabbing and wiping tables dressed in grubby whites.
ACT II.
“I’m telling you, they’re certified, both of them.”
“They could sink us.”
“They will sink us unless we take the bull by the horns.”
“So they order a couple of talking lizards: so what?”
“Look, crazy is crazy, you got that? If they’re crazy in one part they’re crazy all over. You don’t believe me, here comes Dave; he’ll tell you. Hey, Dave, tell them what you told me, about the Monopoly money, and by the way, lizards don’t talk English.”
“He’s right; they’re going to pay us in play money and keep the real money.”
“What are we going to do about it?”
“Talk it to death?”
“Look, truth be told, the Captain and the XO are candidates for the loony bin. First, we were energy-independent when our reactor was on line and what did they do? They threw it overboard and replaced it with a diesel engine; second they picked up a bunch of wharf rats with who knows what kind of diseases and intent, and to top it off, they have allowed a terrorist organization, CAIR, to set up shop in the anchor locker; then they want to take our money and replace it with doubly make-believe Monopoly money; and, lastly to top it off, they want us to partake in some sort of medical experiment that will alter our DNA and, once jabbed, can never be non-jabbed. They made us dependent, broke, sitting ducks and want to either kill us or make us sick as dogs, and I say we have to put a stop to it.”
“The Italians had a solution: they hung Mussolini and his fellow traveler.”
“What do you say we sleep on it.”
“And what, wake up jabbed by the Gestapo? I don’t think so. My gosh, man, look what they’ve done to us: made us question our own sanity and motivation.”
“I agree, but it’ll only work if we round up ALL the bilge rats, and I think one of them is named McConnell.”
Curtain lowers to the music of “Navy Blue” (2:31), pause, then rises to the 03 deck, just aft of the stacks. We see the Captain and the XO with ropes around their necks as they are about to be hung by the yardarm. The Chief Boatswain Mate is conducting the ceremonies.
ACT III
“What we need is some music; anybody got any?”
“We could have a sing-a-long, maybe sing ‘Michael‘ (2:44).”
“We could, we certainly could do that, or we could just string them like the dirty rats that they truly are.”
As the curtain lowers, “See You Later, Alligator” (3:01) is played.
FINI
“That was entertaining, Zork.”
“I’m glad you liked it, Roving. What’s on your plate these days?”
“Trying to save our Republic, just as you’re doing. A lot of stupid people out there.”
“Tell me about it.”
“And that’ll do it for this segment of ‘Pulse’, the most-watched information show in its time slot, and so, on behalf of Zork, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. That’s right; they hung them, didn’t they? Burger time: my treat.”
[*loony governor of New York: Kathy Hochul.]
[Little People report: ‘We know who you are,’ the battle cry of the paratroopers. Just sayin’, as a public service heads-up, if anybody refers to the Jan. 6 protest as an ‘insurrection’ they better be prepared to back it up with facts, real facts, and not with any hogwash from the FBI or Pelosi, or any of the rest of the swamp creatures who inhabit the discarded bullying governments who have fallen by the wayside for the past 2 millennia. You are either with us or are our die-hard enemy; you either support the Constitution with your life or you will be forever regulated to the wrong side of history, and I just can’t make it any plainer than that.]
“Tom Dooley” (3:09)