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by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2021

(Mar. 26, 2021) — “Brahms Hungarian Dance No 5” (3:11)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. It’s not so easy to schedule someone – anyone – for a 3:00 a.m. television interview, but we managed to snare the head of security for one of our more prestigious centers of higher learning. Hello, and welcome to ‘Pulse.‘ Since you requested to keep your name anonymous, what should we call you?”

Tarzan; I’ve always wanted to be called that.”

“Very well; ‘Tarzan’ it shall be. Please tell us what extra steps you have taken to protect your students and faculty.”

”We follow the guidelines set forth by the DHS*, the Department of Homeland Security.”

“So, in other words, you haven’t done a darn thing.”

“Last week we wrote fifteen parking violations, a new record for the week, by the way.”

“Congratulations; that really is quite an accomplishment. Does that warrant a parade or at least a special mention on the calendars of the future?”

“Now that’s an interesting idea, about the parade, I mean. I’ll have to bring that up next time we have a get-together, or whatever they call those things.”

“You mean like a ‘meeting?’ Meanwhile, while you think up an answer, we’ll break for this commercial.”

Boogie Chillen” (1:15)


“We’re very busy.”

“I’m sure you are. Do you have any, like, foreigners attending your school?”

“Oh, yes, we have thousands. You know that we had to stop accepting some Americans to make room for others.”


“You know, ‘others’ like ‘guests’ and ‘migrants.’”

“Why don’t you just come out and say ‘illegals’ and ‘Muslims?’ Are you afraid?”

“No, I’m not afraid; after all, we want to be ‘politically correct,’ don’t we?”

“Not if it obscures the truth, we don’t. And we don’t anyway, so there. So you don’t vet anyone?”

“Oh, yes, we vet white males until next Tuesday.”

“Let me ask you this: say you’re going to bomb a known – in real time – terrorist organization somewhere in the Middle East. How would you go about doing it?”

“First we put an ad in the newspaper; you know, a public announcement like when a house goes into foreclosure. Next we pass out flyers or, in your case, drop warnings from the sky, like, at least a few days in advance. Now on the day of the attack we would sound sirens, and when all that is done we’ll drop a bomb on the target, but not too big a bomb because we wouldn’t want any collateral damage.”

“What do you mean by ‘collateral?’ Don’t you know they’re all in the same boat?”

“We are, Professor Zorkophsky, civilized.”

“Speak for yourself. The idea is to win, by whatever means because, there is no ‘second place,’ as if it’s some kind of game. It’s not a game: it’s life or death.”

“But we must not let ourselves sink to their level.”

“Why not, not if we want to win; isn’t that right?”

“But that would make us worse than them!”

“The name of the game is to win. Let me put it another way because you don’t seem to get what ‘Second Place’ is. Second place is forced labor; concentration camps; death camps; crematoriums; killing fields; Caterpillar D9 bulldozers pushing the dead bodies of ‘Second Place’ finishers into ditches. By the way, our DHS is doing everything it can to make sure we finish in second place.”

“Now how do you figure that?”

“See anyone deported? Look, you work at a school: ever hear complaints from American girls about certain people making them feel uncomfortable?”

“All the time. Matter of fact, a lot of the girls have either transferred to a Christian school or gone to work; that is, if they’ll hire someone who is not bilingual.”

“And more illegal immigrants arriving every day: either they walk across the southern border or through the jet-ways from the Middle East. The fact is this: every illegal and migrant that enters our country puts our women in a little more danger than before; get it? The chances of any of us becoming traumatized are increasing by the hour, thanks to the incompetency of Biden-Harris.”

“Well, say what you like, but we offer free tuition for DACA and everyone who doesn’t have ‘white privilege’; how about them apples?”

“Are you blind, or what? Don’t you know that Americans, real Americans and not you wackos who accept Biden as, well, anything but a thief, don’t particularly care to have pedophiles, rapists and murderers among us, or is that too big of leap for you? Pardon me?”

“It looks like another communiqué from the Little People, Zork.”

“Thank you, Molly. She’s our secretary and disc jockey. Okay, might as well read this, after we wish Tarzan here a goodnight. Good riddance. Okay:

To The Pulse of the Nation;

Our Lionel train has been making good time and we expect to be out of the valley by noon. We have converted our R/C cargo planes to accommodate passengers and expect to be airborne by the next morning and parachute into the drop zone at the appointed time. The Vietnam Vet will keep you informed.


The Mayor of the Little People

“Now wouldn’t it be something that the saviors of our Republic turn out to be the Little People from the far reaches of the Adirondacks? I think we need to practice what we preach, especially if we speak of a nation of laws.

“Well, I’d say that’s about as much excitement that we can take for one show and so, on behalf of Molly, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show and would’ve been a lot better if Tarzan ever got any common sense. Burger time: my treat.”

[*DHS: go to their website; it’s a real joke.]

[Note: I’m sorry, but these television commercials are getting to be way over the top, as in forcing the government mandates down our throats. I don’t like it one bit, so I record everything, and when I hit replay I just skip over the obnoxious commercials.]

Fever” (3:47)

Professor “Trash the masks” Zorkophsky

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