by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2021

St. Peter, painting by Francesco del Cossa,
1453, public domain

(Mar. 21, 2021) — “Bueller?” (1:15)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. It has occurred to me that our country is a more dangerous place than, say, last year or last decade or even last century. One would think that we would strive to make our world, at least our country, safer in which to live but, if we thought that, or really believed it, we’d be idiots. With us today to help explain why we’re in worse shape today than we were yesterday, and why we’ll be in even more worse shape tomorrow, is Dr. Roving, the discoverer of why tornadoes target trailer parks. Welcome to the show, Doctor.”

“Thank you, Professor Zorkophsky, but please call me ‘Roving’; I feel it will make for a more relaxing atmosphere.”

“Only if you call me ‘Zork,’ Roving, for the same reason.”

“Consider it done, Zork.”

“Thanks; just in time for a commercial.”

Cattle Call” (2:49)

“So what can you tell us about life?”

“Well, now, if you thought life was cheap back in the days of the Civil War, you haven’t been paying attention. Generals back in the days of Gettysburg would march their men directly into the fray, right into the mouth of the cannon, and whoever was left standing won. These days it doesn’t seem much different, does it? And I’ve brought Rook Dunkin along to prove my point. Take it away, Rook Dunkin.”

“Thank you, Roving, and how do you do, Zork?”

“I am doing fine. What do you have for us?”

“Believe it or not, I have a direct line to St. Peter, the keeper of the gate, so let’s ask him what’s going on. Let me put on my mitre hat.”

Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0

“Excuse me, Rook, but isn’t saying ‘mitre hat’ redundant?”

“Were you as insufferable as a kid?”

“Just go on contacting St. Peter, will you?”

“St. Peter, Rook here; got a question for you. Why are we worse off today than we were yesterday, at least here in the USA? He says because our politicians don’t give a hoot, that’s why.”

“I didn’t hear anything.”

“He speaks to me directly. He says that, back in 2012, there was a presidential candidate who could’ve set us on the road to recovery rather than on the road to total destruction. His platform included deporting all illegal immigrants, anchor babies and Muslims. He also said that he’d execute pedophiles, rapists and murderers no matter where they came from. You know we signed a treaty that we can’t touch Spanish-speaking people no matter what they do, even to our kids.”

“Ask him about Kayla Cuevas and Nisa Mickens.”

“You mean those two teenagers from Brentwood, New York? Wasn’t one of them a day away from celebrating her 16th birthday, back in 2016?”

“That’s right. Ask the Saint how are they doing; you know, how are they doing up there?”

“He says they’re fine: they miss their parents and are really ticked at everything being exactly the same as it was the day they were tortured and murdered. They ask, with good cause, mind you, why the United States isn’t any safer than the day they were killed. I told St. Pete that we’re being run into the ground by the Pelosis of the world: selfish know-nothings with big mouths and small dreams.”

“Excuse me, Rook, but we have to throw in a quick message from our sponsors.”

Hotel California Solo” (2:13)

“So, Rook, how about asking the Saint if he has any suggestions?”

“The Saint says if we can’t figure it out we’re not worth saving; says if we’re really as blind as he thinks we are, forget it; and it’s only going to get worse and then go down from there.”

“Ask him if was ever in the Navy as a deck-ape.”

“I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t want to offend him. I’m due back at my little church down on Hawthorn Street, so see you all later, Roving and Zork.”

“And there he goes, the man with the connections. So, what have we learned, Roving?”

“We learned some truth: that our country is in worse shape than it ever was; that there’s more rapists and murderers than ever; and that there’s no hope of anything being done about it. on the contrary, the Biden-Harris tag-team ticket is, by design, on purpose, making America a lot more dangerous for the women tomorrow than today. It is a sad fact that we know the cure but aren’t willing to do what must be done. We can’t ever be better today if we don’t accept the mistakes of yesterday. We must learn from our mistakes and not sweep our failures under the rug.”

“How about an example or two?”

”The determination to follow the laws that are on the books, is what. No voter ID, you’re out; no proof of citizenship, you’re out; don’t believe in the Constitution, you’re out. Look, the bottom line is that our country is less safe; that’s all there is to it, and we’re less safe because a lot of our politicians are good-for-nothings, and that’s the bottom line.”

“You got that part right. Biden-Harris: incompetence coupled with a low greed threshold and just look at the mess we’re in, will you? That just about does it for us, doesn’t it? And so it’s time for us to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

The Cowboy Rides Away” (3:34)

Professor “Trash the masks” Zorkophsky

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