“OUR NUTTY ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES”
by OPOVV, ©2017
“Sorry about that; they do that to me every once in a while: surprise me. I’m Roving Reporter and will be your host for this episode of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’
“As you can see, we’re pulling into the parking lot of our university to respond to an email we received from the head of the Psychiatry Department last night. It seems a major announcement, followed by a news conference, is about to take place. And now we’re out of the van hustling to the…where are we going? Auditorium? And here we are. Let’s listen in.”
“I see that the TV crew just arrived and they’ll be set up in a jiff; and now a thumbs-up from the camera man. Now we can start these proceedings:
“Hello, and glad you could join us for this momentous occasion. I’m Dr. Weiss, the dean of the Psychiatry Department, and it does the department and the university proud to announce that one of our own, Professor Zorkophsky, has been named the ‘Honorary Psychiatrist of the Congress of the United States.’ Congratulations, Professor.”
“Thank you, Dr. Weiss. It is indeed an honor to be named the head nut doctor for our nutty elected representatives. Thank you.”
“And now we open up these proceedings to the press.”
“Professor Zorkophsky, what about the senator from Arizona, Jon McCain? He conducted his campaign on the ‘repeal Obamacare’ wagon and he caved the other day. What gives?”
“He’s brain-dead, that’s why he did what he did.”
“That’s not in the medical report, which says he’s suffering from brain cancer.”
“No, I reviewed his whole medical report: he’s a ‘flatliner’; has been all of his life.”
“No, he’s not ‘brain-dead,’ as you say: he’s suffering from brain cancer.”
“Not according to his medical history, which goes all the way back to the 1950s. Trust me, he’s brain-dead; he’s the walking dead, as are Lamar Alexander, Shelley Capito, Dean Heller, Lisa Murkowski, and Rob Portman, although they aren’t flat-lined as much, just your everyday RINO. Once in a while they even show a spike, so there you are.
“Here, I even brought a copy of McCain’s medical report with me and made copies, which we’re handing out for all to see, for real. If you would flip to Section 8, page 278, third paragraph: ‘McCain has had illusions of grandeur,’ and it goes on to give the reasons, the main one being that, deep down, he’s substituting the whole State of Arizona for the Alamo, but – get this – he imagines himself as Santa Anna who eventually becomes president of both Mexico and the United States. Poor fellow. No, let’s forget the brain cancer: it has no bearing on his level of – and, forgive me, but here I’m forced to use a medical term – ‘out of it.’”
“Are you telling us that McCain is, what did you say, ‘out of it?’ Is that a real psychiatric medical term, by the way?”
“It is, indeed, which, I think, makes us professionals in the NUT ENTERPRISE that much more difficult because the layman isn’t familiar with all of the profession’s esoteric terminology, I’m sorry to say. No disrespect, mind you: it’s just the nature of our business: to make people well. But, as you can see from McCain’s history right there in your hands, his is a hopeless case: let the facts speak for themselves. However, I sure would’ve liked the chance to have a go at him, maybe 30 years ago, I mean to say, when there was a smidgen of light – maybe a 15-watter – at the end of the tunnel. Next question?”
“So, what are you saying? That the other RINOs are not brain-dead? What are they, then?”
“Serving out their last term. I’m sorry, Roving is waving that our time is up. Thank you for showing up; I appreciate it. And now I’m turning the show over to Roving.”
“Thank you, Zork, and, on behalf of the crew, let me wish a hearty congratulations to you for your immensely important position. I’m sure you’ll do very well and I, for one, am looking forward to interviewing you in our nation’s capital.
“And so we’ve come to the end of the show. I’d like to thank you all for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Wow, Professor Zork being named the Head Shrink of Congress. And let’s say that Americans don’t want reform; rather, we demand repeal of Obamacare, which is just another way of saying: the Gateway to Socialism. Let’s ask Zork if he cares to join us for burgers: my treat.”