by Major Roving, ©2021
(Mar. 17, 2021) — “Pennsylvania Polka” (2:18)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We are in a most serious crisis, a crisis so serious that it cannot be overstated. We have, right now, thousands of our fellow citizens who are armed, not only with weapons, but also with subpoenas and badges who are operating outside their purview of legal operations. Today’s guest is our favorite General who will put everything in perspective, isn’t that correct, sir?”
“I’m very appreciative being offered a soapbox from which to spread the word, and I thank you for the opportunity. It’s pleasing to be on TV but it’s doubly so to also have my words transcribed by Molly, your secretary, and sent to Sharon at The P&E to be read at anyone’s leisure.”
“Well, thank you for the compliment, General. Now, as far as getting a company of die-hard patriots together…”
“Should be pretty easy. Now let’s look to the Left: what percentage of them ever served in the military, have Honorable Discharges and been in combat?”
“I would venture to answer very few, if any, sir.”
“And you’d be 100% correctamundo, Major.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“The problem we face is that we, who are patriots, have the same hurdles as the Venezuelans did. Are you aware of the similarities, Major?”
“Yes I am, sir.”
“Good, then I don’t have to explain every little nuance. I’ll start from the beginning: we will win or we will lose; we will oust the criminals or we will not; we will leave our grandchildren and their progeny a nation where everyone is equal in the eyes of the law, where the Constitution is the law of the land or it is not. There will not, there cannot be any areas of grey: it is right vs. wrong; it is life or death. It is a question of free speech vs. censorship; of being armed or being a victim.”
“Very well put, so much so that there’s nothing to add, so let’s say we take this commercial break?”
“You’ve Made Me So Very Happy” (4:18)
“Tell the audience what’s the most important subject in America today, if that’s possible.”
“Yes, it is possible and it’s a rather easy answer: sleight-of-hand. First of all, this country has been taken over by some pretty bad people who have only destruction and hardship in store for us, okay? At least we all ought to understand that much; I mean, the gas prices rising is directly proportional to the grocery bill rising, which is directly proportional to the percentage of how much money you can save every month.”
“That seems straightforward enough.”
“Yes, so while Pelosi is in the spotlight the Republic is ending; how’s that for just rewards? Look, I attended Sunday service at the church down on Hawthorn Street and no one was wearing a stupid mask, okay? Now what does that tell you?”
“I guess flu season comes and goes and if you don’t feel well, well then, stay home.”
“Exactly. It’s like this: if you’re a Dem, you wear the mask; if you’re pro-Chinese, you wear the mask; and if you suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome and Fauci Belief Syndrome, you wear the mask.”
“Generals don’t wear masks.”
“The Joint Chiefs of Staff* do.”
“I rest my case.”
“Understood, General. Masks are the Deep State’s method of control: those who wear the mask are controllable; those who do not wear masks are able to distinguish between drinking the Kool-Aid or flat-out refusing to believe anything that the government is pushing today.”
“And didn’t the Deep State use the mask excuse for mail-in ballots?”
“You are, as always, correct, General.”
“What else is on your plate, Major?”
“You ever wondered why tornadoes attack trailer parks, General?”
“Matter of fact I have, Major Roving. Don’t tell me you’ve unlocked the centuries-old secret?”
“Matter of fact I have, General, and it was staring us right in the face, it was so obvious. First, trailers are, as a rule, placed on blocks, rocks or railroad ties above-ground; second, since we don’t live in the space between the trailer and the ground, animals take advantage of that space and use it to croak.”
“Explain ‘croak,’ Major.”
“To go on to the Great Beyond; to pass on; expire; to die and rot and smell-up the place so that carrion birds circle above creating an airflow similar to a tornado’s, so when a tornado is ever in the area, they go where the low pressure is already ground-out for them by the birds and, Presto! A tornado in a trailer park.”
“Absolutely brilliant, Major. No doubt some weather university will award you a doctorate.”
“Already done, General: I’m now Dr. Major Roving, sir. I think at this time I’ll issue my first order: all you patriots out there, be prepared. And with that, let’s wish our viewers a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, General. Burger time, sir: my treat.”
[*Joint Chiefs of Staff: I do not kid; check out their website.]
“Let’s Live for Today” (3:00)