“NOTHING BUT GOOD NEWS”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Nov. 23, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the enemy of stupidity, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the millions of believers of ‘free stuff.’ Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter, bringing you on-the-spot interviews of what’s bugging our neighbors these days, here on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station. Every once in a while my boss cajoles me into responding to some of the many letters that we receive, so here goes:
Dear Roving,
My teacher reads your transcript in homeroom and then we discuss your hyperlinks. Where did you go to reporting school?
Roberta
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Great question, Roberta, and I’m glad you asked it. I had a job as a sports editor for a weekly newspaper in a small Mississippi town, where I was also the photographer developing 35 mm film, cropping the negative and enlarging the photos for print. Long hours for little pay, but what a unique opportunity to learn the newspaper trade.
“Okay, that’s over and done with, so what do you say we interview someone? Excuse me, Miss, care to be on live TV? Roving here for ‘Pulse.’”
“Oh, yes. Do you think I should powder my nose, maybe refresh my lipstick?”
“No, no, you look just fine to me. Let me ask you your name, what you do and what’s bugging you the most lately.”
“My name is Sandy and I used to watch you on television with my dog, Hercules, but we can’t get you anymore.”
“You and just about everyone else; sorry about that. What kind of dog is Hercules?”
“He’s a Jack Russell Terrier, my name is Sandy and I’m a sales clerk for one of the big department stores. My main peeve is that while Hong Kong protesters want freedom, the Democratic candidates want to abolish the Second Amendment. And even though we have the strictest gun laws of any city in the country, I carry a lightweight .357 Magnum on me; I mean, the crooks aren’t registered, so why should I be?”
“I totally agree. Okay, she just waved goodbye as the train pulled in. What do you say we take a break?”
“Hot Dog” (1:14)
“And we’re back with, what did you say your name is?”
“I didn’t.”
“Ah, okay; what is your name?”
“It’s Chad; Chad is my name and I’m a retired city worker.”
“Mind telling us what you did for the city?”
“Not much, and if I tell you any more you’ll just be bored to death, as I was, for 30 years. I worked at the sewage treatment plant where it really ran itself; really now, all the credit has to go to the little amoeba that break it all down.”
“Sounds like a pretty demanding and interesting occupation from someone who is as energetic as you. So, what’s your main bug of the day?”
“Was that some kind of joke about my amoeba, because if it was, it wasn’t very funny. Those amoeba are pretty darn important in the whole scheme of life, I’ll have you know.”
“Yes; yes, I’m sure they are. Nice amoeba. So, what’s bugging you the most these days?”
“Beside the impeachment nonsense, the sorry Democratic candidates, it’s got to be the fake news. Why can’t they just tell the truth, I ask you? Why do they have to spin it? I’ll tell you this: I’m watching Newsmax more and more. Hear that? Here comes my train to take me downtown to that museum so I can watch the toy trains. Bye.”
“See you around. Okay, one more break and we’ll do our last interview.”
“I Ain’t Her Cowboy Anymore” (4:47)
“Ah, look here, folks, it’s Bishop Dunkin, who we saw at his church on Hawthorn Street the other day. How do you do, Bishop?”
“Fine, just fine, Roving. I’ve just heard that I’ve been nominated for a promotion, which is a dream come true, which is why I’m here to share it with you.”
“Why, that’s really great. So, what’s up from a Bishop?”
“Rook is the next step up, Roving. I just may be Rook Dunkin if I’m lucky enough to get the votes.”
“Will you still have your church on Hawthorn?”
“No, I’m keeping my congregation, I’m happy to say. You know, don’t you, that ‘Pulse’s’ show, ‘The REAL Zombie Army,‘ was the most-watched yet? Your editor just told me.”
“Wow, nothing but good news. Hey, as long as you’re here, care sharing with us your pet peeve of the day?”
“Not at all. I think that we all know about the ineptitude of Congress; the underhandedness of the judiciary; but the immense power and corruption of the Pentagon is often overlooked.”
“Yes, we’ve had many Veterans on our show, and each of them has expressed a disdain for the Pentagon that is palpable. I know a Vietnam Vet who thought of the Pentagon as his number one enemy.”
“Yes, and he’s not the only one. Remember when Obama was president, when the Iranians captured those ten sailors? They punished the sailors but they should have gone after the Captains and Admirals who came up with such a hair-brained scheme in the first place.”
“Tell me about it. So, you’re about to be promoted to a Rook. I never heard of a Rook Clergy before.”
“And neither have I; I guess they’re pretty rare, I mean, you’d think we would’ve heard of one before now.”
“It’s a subject to ponder, for sure. Well, I see that our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, and just maybe a future Rook, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another great show. A Rook; imagine that. Burger time: my treat.”
“Flaming Star” (2:27)