by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2020
(Dec. 9, 2020) — “Moose Poem” (2:16)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. The other day I called Roving [Roving Reporter (RR)] and told him that I would like the opportunity to hawk my latest bestseller: ‘How Long has This been Going on?’ He said it’s all yours so here I am, broadcasting from the General’s den, surrounded by museum-quality weaponry from the Middle Ages. There’s a mace and a Longbow on the wall to my right and a lance above the fireplace. In researching my book I went to the epicenter of crookedness: Cook County, Illinois, home of Chicago. Excuse me, but do I hear a phone ringing? Here it is. Hello?”
“No, Roving isn’t here. I’m Professor Zorkophsky, filling in for Roving, hawking my latest bestseller. I’m on the air now, if you don’t mind.”
“What’s the book about? By the way, I really enjoyed your movie, ‘Dandelion War.’ I really liked the scene where the neighbors carrying torches attack the house in the dead of night; reminded me of the townsfolk attacking Frankenstein’s castle.”
“Oh, that was my favorite scene, too. I wrote that, did you know that?”
“The special effects were mind-blowing.”
“There were no special effects in that scene.”
“You mean you really burned the house down?”
“You could say the fire got out of control. And when the surrounding houses caught fire and the hook & ladder arrived, we just kept on filming. And then when the embers set aflame the church steeple, that’s when we really got the best shots of the movie: how were we to know the pastor’s son and his girlfriend were up there?”
“I really liked it when the hook & ladder arrived with the flashing lights and sirens and saved those two kids, and wasn’t it exciting when the ladder broke and the kids fell into the swimming pool? And you say it just happened that way?”
“Like I said, none of it was in the script. Let me tell you, the saving grace was that the movie was a blockbuster so we could afford to pay for damages and avoid any lawsuits: that’s where all of our profit went. In the end, we didn’t make a dime. Let me get back to hawking my book, shall we?”
“Sure, go ahead; don’t let me stop you.”
“Thanks for being a fan. Let’s take a break.”
“Swing Down Sweet Chariot” (2:32)
“Okay, let’s get back to where we were. I think we were about to talk about my new book and why people should buy it. Did I say it makes a great stocking stuffer?
“In Chapter One I wrote that the money trail is the key to exposing the Dems’ weakness. I say that the Dems are trading our liberties for money, which is the definition of a traitor.
“Chapter Two…excuse me, but there’s that phone again. Hello; oh, it’s you again. Do you think they’ll be interested in that part? Okay, will do. That was the previous caller requesting that I discus the pamphlet that’s inserted in the back flap, titled ‘Prison Etiquette: The Bible of how to survive in the real concrete jungle.’
“Actually, since there’s a possibility that one heck of a lot of State and County employees will be going to the Big House for this voting fraud, I had many requests to write a little something about what not to do when going away for not less than five years or more than twenty.
“Rule number one is to have some member of the family contact the warden’s wife, sister, brother and give them a nice new crisp $100 bill along with a note saying that they’re a concerned taxpayer and would like to donate to their well-being on behalf of whoever is going away. Cards are the best medium: Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day and ‘Thinking of You’ are all good.
“If you smoke, you just quit; if you drink or do drugs, you just quit. Don’t take anything with you, like rings, watches and attitude: you tried giving the United States to China and you got caught, which means you’re living on borrowed time. You sold the USA down the river, at whatever cost: honesty, integrity, a handshake and word of mouth. If I had my way, well, just keep your mouth shut and never look anyone in the eye. If you read and your prison has a library, read comic books or law books; they’re about the same anyway and the same type of people read both.
“Never, but never give your opinion on anything but agree with everything. I’d like to share one last thought: these governors who think that they’re strutting their stuff by denying people the truth, like Kemp of Georgia, you better get with the program or you might as well send that first $100 to the warden’s wife right this minute; on second thought, you better make it an even grand.
“Thank you for tuning in and don’t forget to buy my book. And now is the time when I’m supposed to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Great show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Chain Gang” (2:41)