by Chief New Leaf, ©2020

(Jul. 6, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a special birthday edition of ‘The Pulse of the Nation’ on this celebratory weekend of the birth of our nation. Hello, I’m Chief New Leaf and I’ll be your host for this episode where we’ll welcome the beloved contributors of this program. First up, via Skype, is Madam Shylock from her home in Cassadaga, Florida. Hello, and I see you have Henry with you. Hello, Henry.”

“Excuse me, Chief, but I must confirm payment before I will be allowed to answer any questions, per union rules, you understand.”

“A cashier’s check was mailed yesterday, Madam Shylock. Hello, Henry, mind if I ask you a few questions? I mean, you’re hard to catch with all of your hopping around. One day it’s giving a speech at a college out in California and the next you’re a guest speaker at a Moose Lodge in Maine.”

Commercial break: “If I were a Blackbird” (3:05)

“No, not at all. I know it’s been awhile — what, a couple of years since you came by in your RV?”

“At least. Let me ask you this: as an impartial observer, what’s your take on what’s happening in our country?”

“Easy: you were hoodwinked and now you’re playing catch-up. You don’t know it, but it’s the last of the ninth and you need a couple of runs just to tie it. At this point I would interject a football comparison – like it being the fourth quarter, no time-outs, and you need eight to stay in the game – but I don’t watch the NFL anymore – haven’t for years – and as long as they allow patriotic diminished mouthpieces to spout off about someone’s ‘right to kneel,’ well, I don’t miss it one bit.”

“I didn’t know you watched football.”

“No more NFL; just college ball. As I was saying, you’re playing catch-up. You allow people to come into your country that hate you. If they’re from Mexico and beyond, they want to succeed and make the Southwest just like the Third World cesspool that they came from.”

“But they’re not all bad, are they?”

“No, of course not, but the Muslims are. Here’s the deal: Muslims want what they call Sharia Law, which is what the Quran prescribes and that would unequivocally cancel the Constitution.  Simply put, there are no half-measures with Islam, understand? One is either a Muslim or one is not a Muslim. And yet you allow them into your country; what gives?”

“They don’t listen to me, sad to say. But you’re right, of course. I’ve mentioned that what the Turks did to the Armenians is exactly what they want to do to the rest of us but it all falls on deaf ears.”

“It’s your educational system* that is your weak link, you understand. You don’t even teach about the horrors of the chemical weapons used during the First World War. Come to think of it, your high school graduates are a pretty stupid bunch, as are your college grads, at least in the subjects of past and current events, specifically pertaining to history**.”

“History in what respect?”

“Well, first is that every people, at one time or other, were slaves of someone else and, two, every people, at one time or other, were slave owners; it’s just a fact of life.”

“So this ‘Black Lives Matter’; what’s that all about?”

“It’s from Jesse Jackson’s ‘The Art of the Shakedown’. And while we’re on the subject, here’s a bit of advice: do not click-on the BLM site that was designed by the Chinese cyber division of the People’s Liberation Army (PLA); a word to the wise.”

“Okay, I’ll take that advice. So what’s happening now is that the inept mayors and governors (who let buildings burn and their citizens are terrified) are going around with their hands out begging for money to fix their mistakes.”

“I heard about that. What do you think?”

“I would assess the damage and charge every registered Democrat of the damaged city to pay, and a smaller percentage to every registered Democrat of the state to pay, maybe through property taxes; who knows? Since Republicans would have had no problem shooting the arsonists and murderers. they need not be held monetarily accountable.”

“What about the police?”

“Fire them all and hire Veterans only on the chance of them not following illegal orders.”

“Please clarify that for us, Henry.”

“For sure: every policeman took an oath to uphold the law, to protect property and, most important, people. Following an order that would countermand their oath is unlawful and therefore should have been ignored.”

“So you’re saying that there shouldn’t have been any rioting, looting and burning in the first place?”

“Not one loot or one match struck: there is absolutely no substitute for the sound of a shotgun shell being chambered, believe me.”

“We believe you, Henry. Anything to add?”

“Replace the statues and the flags and maybe some of the stupids will get a hint that we’re serious about saving America. Now let me say this: even though I’m an impartial observer, I can’t help taking the side of reason over insanity. And don’t be thinking about changing any Indian names to make stupid white people feel good about themselves. Truth of the matter is that the most dangerous people in the world are your so-called ‘do-gooders’; remember that.”

“So BLM supporters are insane?”

“And stupid. All lives matter and to break it down that only 13% of the population of the United States matters more than you, an American Indian, or anyone else, is utterly preposterous.”

“Well, Henry, we’ve just run out of time and so, on behalf of the crew, this is Chief New Leaf wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show; I’ll have to remember to ask Madam Shylock for a refund. And what do you say we replace the statues? Burger time: my treat.”

[*Educational system: read Teacher’s Union.]

[**History: the continued “Failures of Socialism” is glossed over so all that remains are slogans that have no basis in reality, such as “free anything.”]

Mr. Lonely” (2:43)

Chief New Leaf

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