“COMPLETELY BONKERS”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Jan. 6, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exclusive interview with the eminent bestseller of textbooks who address the nuts among us, Professor Zorkophsky. Welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the information show that is losing viewers as fast as we’re gaining readers. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and what we do is broadcast our show on a local TV station, but since we’ve lost our contract with a satellite provider, it’s been a rough road getting sponsors. Oh, let me explain something: the viewers will see a TV commercial but we can’t transcribe it. Molly, our secretary, replaces the time slot with a piece of music she picks out. What do you say we take a commercial break now?
“Sweet Dreams” (2:37)
“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky in his rather unique office.”
“Excuse me, Roving, but as long as we’re in my, as you say, ‘unique office,’ please address me as ‘Zork’ to promote a relaxing atmosphere. Now I know why you’re here – to discuss the word ‘derangement’ – but let me point out that my latest book just coincidentally has the same title: ‘Professor Zorkophsky Defines “Derangement.”‘”
“No way. Why, the chances of that ever happening must be a billion-to-one.”
“A googolplex-to-one, Roving. Now let’s start hawking my new book.”
“And that reminds me to ask you this question: how do you find the time to write so many bestsellers?”
“Truth is I take the dissertation papers of my students and put my name to them. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I pay them for their troubles, even to the point of paying off some of their student debt. They make money, I make money and the public gets another bestseller. And sometimes I actually write the book myself; if you’ll remember, I co-wrote the screenplay for the ‘Dandelion War‘ with the General. Now let me ask you something.”
“Alright.”
“It has been suggested that ‘OPOVV’ is actually a consortium of writers and some have even hinted that your editor has taken part in the — I don’t want to say ‘deception’ — but what gives?”
“Look, we’re not splitting the atom here, okay? Just enjoy the show and don’t try and second-guess everything, if you would, please.”
“Well, what about your secretary?”
“Molly? Well, she’s real. Matter of fact I was going to ask her to marry me once upon a time.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“I’ll tell you why: I was still having my Vietnam nightmares, is why. Plus I was doing drugs, drinking and smoking, so maybe I wasn’t in the best of shape for anybody. Let’s get to your book, or your definition of the word ‘derangement,’ after this quick message.”
“Once in a While” (2:25)
“And we’re back with Zork, who’ll define the word ‘derangement’ for us.”
“I’ll do my best, Roving, but first let me show you my newest addition: a printing press. See, here’s the first run of ‘Professor Zorkophsky Defines ‘Derangement.’ Let me give you one after you give me $2.00 to cover the cost of the printing. It’ll be on the shelves for $19.95 starting next week.”
“Maybe later, but first could you define the word for us?”
“I could, but that would give the book away, like telling you ‘the butler did it,’ understand? Look, here on page 193 I list examples of where you can find ‘derangement’ on Youtube. See, we have speeches and comments by Elizabeth Warren (1:37), Joe Biden (2:24), Hillary Clinton (1:16), Bernie Sanders (1:14), and others.”
“My word; how long is that list?”
“I limited it to 365, but there’s a few repeats.”
“Who has the most repeats of ‘derangement’ examples?”
“Hillary, but only because she’s been at it longer.”
“At ‘derangement’ longer?”
“Yes, starting with ‘Whitewater.’”
“So you went back to square one? What about Bernie?”
“Square one.”
“Warren; Biden?”
“Square one; square one.”
“You know what? Here’s $2.00; I do want to read you book after all. And will you look at the time? I’m afraid we have to sign off and so, on behalf of the crew and Zork, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Follow that Dream” (1:36)
[Editor’s Note: ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ is a real and dangerous mental illness that is, in fact, not a joke. Editorials, such as this one, are to bring attention to that fact. It is understood that celebrities have a sway on public opinion, even though the celebrity may be completely bonkers.]