“ALWAYS A NOTHING”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(May 9, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that’s entertaining, provocative and educational; at least we like to think so. Hello, my name is Roving and we’re at Miss Bernard’s grade-school class in sunny Ormond Beach, FL, where Madam Shylock is going to explain ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome.’ First-off, I’d like to thank Miss Bernard and the Volusia County School Board for allowing Madam Shylock to demonstrate what exactly a deranged condition is, and without further ado, I’ll turn the proceedings over to Madam Shylock.”
“Thank you, Roving, and thank you, Miss Bernard, for allowing me to show the world what being nuts is really like. But first let me just say that this wasn’t my idea; it was Professor Zorkophsky’s, but he said if anyone could pull it off it would be me, so let’s get started.
“Good morning, boys and girls. Today we’re going to do a math test – sounds of groans – but it’ll be a fun math test – more groans with an additional ‘We don’t believe you!’ here and there – so let’s get started. We’ve been taught that 2 + 2 is equal to 4: this is what we believe. We also believe that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west and that Santa lives at the North Pole.
“While Roving hands out the test, you’ll see that it’s just a simple set of numbers that need to be added, subtracted and divided, all the while being subject to what you’ve been taught, that ‘2′ is really ‘2.’ Okay, you can pick up your pencils and get started.
“All finished? See, that wasn’t so bad. Let’s see how you all did. Oh, my, you all missed the first question: you all put down the answer ‘4’ to the question, ‘What is ‘2 + 2?’ You see, without your knowing it, the rules of math were changed so that all the 2s became something else. What the 2s became we were never told; me, Roving and even your teacher, Miss Bernard were never told that the ‘2s’ were masquerading as something else. We were all fooled.
“And the very same thing just happened to a lot of the grownups in Ormond Beach, Florida and in your whole country: the grownups were told that the president colluded with the Russians, but it was all a lie: it just wasn’t true: the ‘2s’ were changed to some other value.
“But now we know what happened: it was all a lie.”
“Yes, Billy?”
“So our answer to the first question was really the correct answer?”
“Yes, Billy: the ‘2’ was really a ‘2’ and the president never colluded with the Russians.”
“Yes, Billy.”
“So how can anyone be liable for a crime if there was no crime? I mean, come on, now. How can there be any obstruction of a crime if there was no crime, and if there was no crime, ergo, there was no obstruction, right?”
“I must congratulate you, Miss Bernard, on your articulate students. Yes, Billy, you can’t have obstruction for something that was always a nothing; do you understand?”
“Yes, Madam Shylock, I understand, but how come the idiots in Congress don’t?”
“Well, when this show is broadcast and the transcript read, maybe they will.”
“And thank you, kids, for being such good sports. Thank you, Miss Bernard, for allowing us to use your classroom as a teaching tool, and thank you, Madam Shylock, for making it clear to even the most stupid of us that a lie exposed continues to be a lie. And now, on behalf of the crew, Miss Bernard, Madam Shylock, and all the kids, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight, but first we’ve got to throw-in a few commercials in a row: sorry about that.”
“String Along” (2:17)
“Not Too Long Ago” (2:20)
“Darling” (2:06)
“Goodnight.
“Good show. Hey, Miss Bernard, join us for burgers: my treat.”
“Please Don’t Tell Me How the Story Ends” (2:45)