by OPOVV, ©2019

By US Government – Office of Congressman Beto O’Rourke, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=24550456

(Mar. 16, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the home of the malted and our interpretation of the truth, for example: Beta* O’Rourke and How-Utterly-Stupid-Can-A-Human-Being-Be Cortez. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be your host for this gala-first-ever ‘The Wert Report.’ And here to explain it all is the intrepid explorer himself, Professor Wert.”

“Hello, Roving, and everyone out there in audience land. Recently I was approached to find a Democratic candidate who would allow an Angel Mom a place on the stage, so I got my Private Detective License and this is my report:

“Tuesday: followed suspect into the ‘The Corner Bar’ which was, maybe not surprisingly, in the middle of the block. Sat next to suspect and ordered a draft schooner.”

“Hey, how you doin’?”

“Hey, how you doin’?”

“Aren’t you one of those candidates?”

“That’s right. Been on TV a lot; don’t have to spend money on campaign ads. I tell you, this campaign racket is a piece of cake. You just wouldn’t believe how dumb people are.”

“Maybe not, but how about giving me a ‘for-instance?’”

“I say ‘Free College’ and they applaud; then I say, ‘Free medical’ and they applaud again, and not one of them mentions Venezuela. Can you believe it?”

“I believe you. What about Sanctuary Cities and Angel Moms?”

“What about them?”

“Well, I mean, who wants illegal immigrants around, for one, and if it weren’t for the illegal immigrants there wouldn’t be any Angel Moms.”

“What are you, a Trumpster?”

“No, just a regular American who likes the Constitution.”

“Oh, one of those. I bet you’re one of those Birthers**, too.”

“How come there’s no Angel Moms at any of your campaign rallies?”

“Okay, smart guy, I’ll tell you why: it’s because the Democrats don’t stand for anything, that’s why. Look, every policy they embrace has failed, starting with illegal immigration, which leads to human trafficking and even more drugs. And people want to have a good time at a campaign rally, okay? They don’t want to be reminded of failed policies, like, okay, the inner-city kids can’t read or write: who cares? The inner-city schools have had a failing grade for the past 30 years, so what? Like I said, people don’t want to hear the truth; people embrace the lies because it makes them feel good, and if it’s one thing the Democratic Party is, it’s the ‘Feel-Good Party.’ Forget facts; just feel good, alright?”

“And with that the subject got up and moved to a booth while I finished my burger and returned to the office to write up this report.”

“One heck of a job, Private Investigator Wert, one heck of a comprehensive and -depth report. Congratulations. Let’s break for a commercial, if you don’t mind.”

Dandelion” (3:33)

“Are we to expect more breath-taking and suspenseful reporting in your next installment of The Wert Report’?”

“For sure. My next assignment is to discover who it is that sends the money to these idiots in Washington who don’t give a hoot about the rule of law – the Constitution – or the American people.”

“Who do you think?  I mean, where do you start?”

“To adhere to the age-old axiom: follow the money.”


“You hit the nail on the head. After oil comes the Chamber of Commerce, the sleazes who want cheap labor, which means illegal immigrants taking the jobs from Americans or, as is said at the Small Dog Park, jobs that Americans don’t want, can’t do, too dangerous or an excuse to keep people as wards of the state through the welfare-gaming system.”

“So where do you start with that case?”

“I’ll be traveling to Washington, DC, for that one.”

“What was your first case?”

“Foe some reason, the United States Post Office mistakenly dropped off a letter sent to the North Pole.”

“No way; you, the North Pole?”

“Hey, mistakes happen.”

“Did you open it? What did it say?”

“Yes, I opened it; I mean, if you’re a PI then you’re a believer in Fate. Anyway, it said, ‘Dear Santa, What’s the difference between a man and a woman? Signed Mrs. Miller’s 6th Grade Class.”

“Did you answer it? What did you say?”

“Yes, I answered it. I wrote: ‘Dear 6th Graders; The difference between a man and a woman is that a man WILL NOT overload a washing machine whereas a woman, who, as a rule, has had less hands-on experience with motors and engines and, generally speaking, things mechanical and will, therefore, not take into consideration the load capacity of the bearings involved. And I signed it: Professor Wert, PI.”

“That’s pretty good. Anything to add; I mean, did you get a thank-you card or something?”

“That ‘something’ was the job I just told you about at the beginning of the show. I’ll tell you this:  if you’re competent and honest – meaning don’t be padding the books – there’s some darn good money to be made.”

“And that leads us to the end of the show. I want to thank our guest, Professor Wert, for being so gracious in sharing your precious time from doing your PI work. I want to say one more thing before we sign off about this voting-age question. I suggest the voting age be 21 except for those in the military, and they’ll be of legal age at 18. Okay, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing all of you watchers and readers a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Another great show. You guys know what time it is? Burger time: my treat.”

[*Beta: as in Jesse Lee Peterson’s Beta Male” definition.]

[**Birther: Hey, Obama, “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?”]

Eve of Destruction” (3:35)



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