by OPOVV, ©2016
(Oct. 18, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the most-watched show in its time slot. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter and, as you can plainly see, we’re down at the docks, having been summoned by Professor Professor Wert. No, I didn’t read my notes incorrectly. Wert’s parents always wanted a professor in the family so they named their boy Professor and it just turned out that he became one, hence the double-word name.
“Here, let me read his text message that we received earlier today: ‘Just completed deciphering Dead Flood scrolls that were recently discovered in eastern Turkey. Breaking news. Meet me at dock when ship parks.’
“They’ve just lowered the gangplank so aboard we go. Hello, are you the parking attendant?”
“I’m the Captain.”
“Oh, good. Could you please direct us to Professor Professor Wert’s cabin?”
“Same one as before, Roving. You know the way. I’ll instruct the steward to deliver our delicious burgers to the cabin. How many will there be, four?”
“Oh, why, thank you, Captain. That’s very kind of you. Yes, four is it.”
“Not at all; anything to be of assistance to the good professor. He was a delightful entertainment to the crew during our passage. Why, the stories he told of going through the Panama Canal, and when he found out that he was being coo-cooed by his ex-wife in California was truly hilarious.”
“Yes, he is truly an intrepid explorer. And off we go.”
“Ah, there you are! Welcome to my cabin, and do I ever have earth-shattering news for you. Yes, yes, set up over there. See, I have them all displayed on this table here. Good lighting, if I do say so myself.”
“Everything looks peachy. The Captain ordered us burgers. Nice man.”
“Right on. Now, about these scrolls: what gives?”
“What they gave us is the key to this ‘same-sex marriage nonsense,’ is what. Here, let me show you. Here is scroll ‘The First.’ It says, ‘Behold, Reader! Hearken unto you and yours! For you have rounded up all the animal pairs, married in Mine eyes. The Moose were married and are now Mister and Mrs. Moose. The Lion are also married in Mine eyes and are now Mister Lion and Mrs. Lioness. And so forth on down the list I have given you to fulfill. A ‘couple’ is composed of a man and a woman; a boy and a girl; a male and a female. Period.”
“And what’s all these others say?”
“Same thing, but in a different way. Here, take this one, for instance. It reads, ‘Hearken, Reader! For you have gathered pairs of male and females of different looks together to ride out the Great Flood! You have your male Field Mouse and your female Field Mouse; male and female Kangaroo; male and female Elephant.’”
“Hold on! Kangaroo? There’s no Kangaroos in Turkey.”
“Maybe it’s a misprint. All I know is what it says, and if it says ‘Kangaroo,’ I read ‘Kangaroo.’”
“Maybe it’s an interpretation error?”
“Maybe, and then again, maybe not. My latest theory is that there were TWO Arks, so there.”
“’So there?’ Is that what you said? Is that acceptable archeology-speak?”
“Oh, yes. Many times when there is a possible disagreement due to conflicting facts we say, ‘Live with it.’ I see you’re becoming upset. Relax. Let’s get back on subject. You see, this discovery is the key for the argument that there cannot possibly be a marriage by same-sex life forms.
“Just as in ‘precedents’ in law, we have one in a book that didn’t make it into the Bible. Why it was left out who knows; most likely the floodwater had to recede, or something else. But anyway, marriage is between a male and female, and that’s what it says in these scrolls, so there.”
“’So there’? I must say, your terminology seems just a tad lackadaisical. I mean, aren’t you supposed to be really specific?”
“Oh, wow, so just because these scrolls weren’t carved in stone and just written on leather they’re not believable enough? Blah!”
“’Blah?’ That’s it? Okay, look, I’m on your side. What do you say we take these down to that church on Hawthorn Street and confer with the pastor there, okay?”
“Yes, and here are our burgers.”
“Well, folks, I think that Professor Professor Wert has put this whole ‘same-sex’ marriage nonsense to rest once and for all. I mean, if Noah was explicitly instructed by The LORD to pack the Ark with only males and females, then that kind of rests the case, wouldn’t you agree?
“I wish to thank you for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Let’s chow down.”
Sharon Rondeau has operated The Post & Email since April 2010, focusing on the Obama birth certificate investigation and other government corruption news. She has reported prolifically on constitutional violations within Tennessee’s prison and judicial systems.