by OPOVV, ©2018

Photo credit: S.M.A. at Shutterstock

(Dec. 3, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the rest stop for the mind: ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, I’m Roving and I’ll be your host, and it all happens right here, under the awning across the street from the railroad depot, where we ask our neighbors what’s bugging them the most. Excuse me, sir, care to be interviewed on ‘Pulse’, the…”

“…greatest show on television. Hey, Roving, name is Terry and the wife and I used to see you on television, but nowadays we read you in The P&E. Our dog, Spike, used to bark whenever he saw the Talking Dog and, strange as it seems – and it seems pretty doggone strange – when I read the transcript out loud, when it comes to the Talking Dog parts, he barks.”

“Now that is strange. What make of dog is Spike?”

“He’s a Chihuahua.”

“Okay, since you’ve watched the show, what’s your main bug these days?”

“Without a doubt it’s that RINO Paul Ryan. What got me to thinking, since he’s leaving pretty soon — actually, he never should’ve been there in the first place – to what they’ve would’ve done to him in around the 1800’s: they would’ve tarred and feathered him, the backstabber.”

“Did you apply for a patent? Was that difficult?”

“Piece of cake. Actually, all I had to do was to renew the old one.”

“You mean there actually was a tar and feather patent?”

“Well, yes; you see, there’s all kinds of different feathers you can use, but I prefer the down-easy-to-procure feathers at the big retail stores.”

“The sell feathers?”

“Well, sure, and they’re packed in pillows.”

“So you’re a funny guy. So what’s the score?”

“What score?”

“The Deep State vs. The People Who Get It.”

“Oh, that one. I’d have to say we’re outclassed.”

“How so?”

“We have the right and they have the might. It’s the old ‘Right vs. Might ‘story vs. ‘the pen is mightier than the sword ‘ story vs. ‘the ends justify the means’ story.”

“Look, I hate to bring it up, but, had you a choice, would you rather drop the bomb or have the bomb drop on you?”

“So much for philosophical hogwash.”


“Think about it: we know that a heck of a lot of people broke the law and how many are in jail, starting with Obama being a fraud*; Hillary stealing and having people killed**; and Lois Lerner*** collecting a pension? And here’s my train. See you around.”

“Thanks for talking with us. Let’s break for a commercial.”

What Have They Done To My Song, Ma” (4:09)

“Oh, I remember you; you were that veteran who was moving to Japan; how’d that work out?”

“Hey, Roving, just came by to tell you that’s its working out better than expected. Let me tell you something that you’re not hearing on the news: Japan is behind Trump 110%. They agree with fair trade and everything else that’s on the Trump Agenda. And they really appreciate the absence of rockets going over their heads, and that’s a guarantee.”

“So what brings you back?”

“’Tis the season. They don’t celebrate the birth of Christ but I do, so here I am. I kept my old condo so it’s not like I’m living out of a suitcase. Besides, where else can you buy roasted chestnuts? And that’s my train; going to the museum to watch the trains.”

“Thanks for stopping by. Let’s take a commercial break.”

Malcolm in the Middle” (2:55)

“And we’re back. We’ve time for one more on-the-street interview with this lady wearing some kind of costume.”

“How rude are you anyway? This is no costume; it’s what I wear every day.”

“But, forgive me, you look like a big lizard.”

“I am not a lizard, young man. I am Dinosaur Woman. I relate to the past, ergo: Dinosaur Woman.”

“Yes, yes, you said that. But why; why are you Dinosaur Woman?”

“Because I relate to the past. What you got, wax in your ears? My name is, well, here, here’s my driver’s license. Now you tell me: what’s my name?”

“You’re right: Dinosaur Woman. And three guesses from which State? You got it: California. Okay, so does Dinosaur Woman have a pet peeve?”

“Besides people like you, yes. My peeve is our carbon imprint. My friends and family have turned to liquid and you’re putting us in your gas tanks, that’s what.”

“But think of it: we’re driving you to work, schools, and ball games.”

“That’s not as funny as the pillow feather joke.”

“By the way, what kind of dinosaur are you supposed to be?”

“Not supposed to be: am. I’m a Sarahsaurus, an herbivore, by the way.”

“Not surprising, and I suppose the name on your birth certificate is ‘Sarah.’ Okay, so tell us, what do you do for a living, wearing that outfit?”

“I’m a marriage counselor, and before you ask, I do very well, thank you.”

“Any advice?”

“Eons. First rule, the wife is in charge, and for those who think otherwise, you’re in for a hard time. Second, marry within the same social-economic strata of society. Third, marry for love and not convenience. Fourth, the man is impulsive, so you women out there give him a little space. And last, but the most important, never, but never, cheat on your spouse. Lying has never been beneficial for anybody and if you keep Jesus in the equation, you can’t go wrong.”

“You sound like a good friend of ours, Madam Shylock.

“Yes, I know her: we belong to the same union. And if you’ll excuse me, this is my train. Bye.”

“And there goes the Sarahsaurus, the first one we’ve ever had, thankfully. How strange can it get? And now, Molly, our microphone-holder, is making motions for me, on behalf of the crew, to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, don’t you think? And it all comes back to the Golden Rule, doesn’t it? Burger time: my treat.”


[Hillary: Benghazi.]

[***Lois Lerner: Takes the Fifth.]

The Electric Slide” (4:02)


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