“MAKES US ALL LOOK LIKE LAUGHINGSTOCKS”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Nov. 15, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ your sure source for the truth. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be conducting random interviews of people about to catch the commuter train to the big city. Excuse me, Sir, Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ the popular news show.”
“Don’t you remember me? Why, you just interviewed me a month or so ago. I’m the playwright and I gave you some free tickets to a play of mine.”
“Oh, okay, I mean, after a while all the interviews kind-of roll into one. So, what’s your latest play about?”
“Well, this one’s about a young man fighting his way out of a very bad situation back in 1965, in Vietnam. Here, let me read it for your viewers: it’s a rough draft of ACT I, Scene I. May I?”
“Go for it.”
“Okay, here goes:
Rough Draft
Curtain rises as “I’d Love to Change the World” (3:46) is played as background music as the actors speak their lines. Scenery is a crashed twin-prop plane and 12 or so actors dressed in Navy dungarees with no sign of rate or rank in a jungle clearing in the Western hills of Vietnam, circa 1965.
“What now?”
“What now, ‘Sir,’ soldier.”
“Beggin’ your pardon sir, I’m Navy. So, what now, sir?”
“We’ll have to surrender, that’s all. There’s nothing else we can do. They outnumber us 3:1, maybe more. And we’re not a top priority so we won’t be missed.”
“No, I don’t suppose we will be missed. This isn’t some ‘humanitarian mission’ delivering medical supplies, is it? No, I didn’t think so because all those boxes that we loaded were full of guns and ammo, half of which were busted open when we crash-landed. So how do you figure they started shooting as soon as we touched down?”
First song ends, immediately followed by “Locomotive Breath” (4:26)
“Trigger-happy, or they didn’t want us to use the radio; any number of a thousand and one reasons.”
“So it’s all coincidence, sir?”
“They did say that war isn’t an exact science, but then you didn’t go to The Point, now, did you?”
“Not that I remember, sir.”
“Consider yourself on report, soldier.”
“Sailor.”
“Soldier, sailor, what’s the difference? I’m in charge here. Someone tie a white rag or shirt to the end of one of those rifles and wave it around.”
“Hold on for just a minute. Hate to say it, but you’re delusional. You got hit; took a round in your side and lost a lot of blood, so you’re just not thinking right. Anybody agree with me?”
“Hey, who put you in charge?”
Second song ends as “Sunshine of Your Love” (4:05) is played again as background music.
“I did, that’s who, so pay attention. Look, this is the way I see it. There’s no way we’re getting out of this alive. We’re a million miles from nowhere, so they’re not going to waste food and water on us. No, they’ll have their fun torturing us to death.”
“That makes sense. So how do you suppose we get out of this mess? The radio’s out, pilot dead and even if he weren’t, this plane is never going to fly again. It sure gets dark quick in this part of the world, doesn’t it?”
“That it does. So I figure they’ll attack at first light, but I got a better idea.”
Scene ends as the song “High Noon” (2:32) is played.
“That sounds intriguing; so what happens?”
“Oh, well, the sailor leads the group to ambush the bad guys, which is entirely successful, and after a whole day of waiting for rescue they make it back to the world.”
“That’s nice. So what’s the moral?”
“Here’s this sailor putting his life on the line so people can falsify election results? Or be here illegally? Somehow I don’t think so. Anyway, that’s the rough draft of the first scene. And this here is my train. Bye.”
“I like it; wish you luck. Bye. What do you say we throw in a commercial?”
“Having a Party” (2:28)
“And we’re back. By the way, did any of you see the pictures of illegal immigrants climbing over one of those fences at the border? You know what that reminded me of? Those shooting arcades: you know, the ones at those little fairs that go from town to town. That’s how we met Madam Shylock, by the way. She had her tent set up just off the midway. Now who is next in line? You there, care to be on television? Roving here for ‘Pulse.’”
“Oh, hello, Mr. Roving; I’d love to. My cat and I watch your show whenever you’re on. The cat really likes the Talking Dog. I think it’s a telepathy thing, you know.”
“I’m sure it is. Let me ask you your name and what bugs you the most these days?”
“I’m Mary Jo; how do you do? And what bugs me is don’t those people know that the news in the United States goes worldwide? People in Italy don’t know Broward County from Nevada, but they do know it’s about the USA, that’s what.”
“So when the election officials make a mockery of our elections, people overseas just think that’s the way it is all over?”
“You got it, Mr. Roving. Makes us all look like laughingstocks, and I don’t like being made a fool of. Oh, I’m sorry; that’s my train. Bye.”
“Bye. Let’s have a commercial.”
“Lovers Who Wander” (2:35)
“Okay, we’ve time for one more interview. And look what the cat dragged in; it’s none other than the Vietnam Vet and the Talking Dog. We were just talking about you two.”
“The dog asks if that’s a fact.”
“It surely is. So, you guys slumming or what?”
“No, just on our way to the dog park. Just came by to see you and the crew hard at work; it seems to make retirement that much more enjoyable, seeing people rush off to the salt mine, just as we did for 30 years.”
“You got time for a quick question?”
“Sure; ask away.”
“What about the Democrats winning a bunch of House seats?”
“Let me see: the voters had a choice to pay higher taxes or not, and they chose higher. Really? And in Florida, don’t they know if Andrew Gillum is elected the first thing they’ll see is a State Income Tax? I wonder if the voters are as dumb as they think they are.”
“Yes, I’m afraid they are. Well, guys, our time has just expired for this segment of ‘Pulse’ and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Have fun at the park. Burger time: my treat.”
“Try Me” (2:29)