“TALKING SENSE”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Aug. 17, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ one of the few places where the truth is laid bare for all to see. Hello, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host for this evening’s program. We’ve just received a communiqué from Madam Shylock that the bookies in Las Vegas want her to set the odds that Hillary will never spend a day in jail. Sounds like an offer she can’t refuse, so it’ll be interesting what kind of odds she sets. The bookies have to make a living but if nobody lays a bet down it’s no good. I guess she’ll be doing charitable work for people in need, is one way of looking at it, which is why she’s writing the trip off as a business expense and as a volunteer to help keep people off of Welfare and Food Stamps. We wish her a safe journey and congratulate her on her Public Service.
“Next up is the subject of government clearances, who gets them and who keeps them, and to explain it all is our very own expert, a man who used to work in the Swamp, none other than Professor Zorkophsky.”
“Please, Roving, call me ‘Zork’; no need to be so formal.”
“Very well, ‘Zork’ it is. So explain these clearances, please.”
“I drove all the way over here to answer that? It’s so simple that even the third-graders in any public school could answer that. The answer is: the need to know.”
“So if a person leaves his job, he also leaves the need to know?”
“That’s the ticket.”
“So all of this whining is, what?”
“Whining for nothing.”
“Well now, Zork, thank you for such an insightful and well-thought-out answer; we really appreciate your expertise. Thanks again; bye. So this John Brennan is really a work of art, I’d say. Making his rounds to the fake news stations whining his way through the day. And the dummies go along with the script, word by word. Excuse us while we break for a commercial.”
“(T’ill)l I Kissed You” (2:37)
“Okay, let’s interview someone. Excuse me, sir; care to be interviewed on live TV? I’m Roving and the show is called ‘Pulse,’ the ever popular…”
“…TV show. Sure thing; watch your show whenever you’re on, but you’re not so reliable, are you? I mean, sometimes you’re on every day and then, poof! You disappear for days, if not weeks, maybe even months, at a time. And nobody else has the Talking Dog, you ever notice that?”
“Look, what’s your name, what do you do and what’s bugging you these days?”
“Name is Hank and I’m a forklift operator at the post office. I’d have to say my biggest hangup is the price of gas, traffic and the idiots who don’t use their turn signals. Look, I know all the cars today have turn signals, right? A little lever that all they have to do is move up or down to let the people behind them know of their intentions of maneuvering a machine that weighs somewhere around two tons, 4,000 pounds. All they have to do is move it just a little bit, but no, it’s too hard for them, or maybe it’s just too complicated for them, or maybe they don’t know where the heck they’re going, you think?”
“Oh, yes, but even worse than the no-signalers are the tailgaters, you agree?”
“You bet and here’s my train.”
‘And off he goes. Time for another commercial.”
“One Summer Night” (2:13)
“My producer has just reminded me, though my earpiece, that I forgot to say my introduction. I thought I said we’re the ‘Pulse,’ but maybe I forgot to say we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station waylaying people on their way to work, or wherever. Oh, good, here comes another one. Excuse me, Miss, Roving for ‘Pulse.’”
“I know who you are; we all do. You’ve been hanging out on this corner for, what, five years? Longer? Okay, what’s the question of the day? Oh, sorry; name is Jean and I’m a receptionist for a stockbroker.”
“Nice to meet you, Jean. The question of the day is: are you better off today than you were, say, two years ago?”
“Yes, and that’s my train. Sorry to have to run. Bye.”
“Goodbye. Okay, one last commercial until the last one.”
“Not Too Long Ago” (2:20)
“You know, she’s right: we’re ALL better off, thanks to Trump. Even each and every Democrat is better off in every which way than they were two years ago. Oh, will you look at that? It’s Chief New Leaf in his sumptuous RV, and he stops in a ‘NO PARKING’ spot. Let’s climb aboard and see what he’s up to.”
“Hey, Roving and crew, welcome aboard. Have a seat and let’s go for a spin.”
“Hey, Chief, in town for long?”
“Just passing through. I’m on my way up to the next casino to try and talk some sense into the young people. They want Affirmative Action and every other flawed government freebie, and I’m going to tell them to stand on their own two moccasins and try and act like this is our land just as much as the Constitution is our law of our land.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Thank you. You know, the white people took whatever was good from the American Indian and twisted it to where you just have to wonder where it came from. Like visiting the Spirit World. Used to be the Shaman was your guide; to show you the right way, the Indian Way. Now they just buy a cheap bottle of wine and visit the Spirit World but, without guidance, all they do is get drunk and make fools out of themselves.”
“So what else is new?”
“The stock market has been very good to many American Indian tribes, but there are still some who were on the edge even before the white man came, and those are the people who cause the most problem for all of us. Those are the ones protesting and blockading this and that and they know not what they do, except make it hard for us Indians who are striving to make our reservations the envy of every American community. Our recent high school graduates are either going to trade school, college or joining the military, I’m proud to say.”
“What’s your secret?”
“No secret. First, and maybe most important, all tribal police must have served in combat for the US Military in some capacity. Second, all of our teachers are veterans, as are all the employees of the schools. But our school board is also made up of veterans who serve in a part-time capacity. The only full-time employee of our school board is the secretary who is, by the way, you guessed it, a veteran. And we have a very hands-on drug and alcohol abuse program. Our girls who graduate from high school are not single moms and are not pregnant, knock on wood.”
“That’s it?”
“Church, staring with Sunday school, just like what made The Greatest Generation, right?”
“Right-on, Chief. You know Chief, I do believe you’re holding a winning hand. And with that, it’s that time, on behalf of the crew and the Chief here, to be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Hey, Chief, what say we swing on over to Hawthorn Street and see if Pastor Dunkin has any burgers on the grill for us: my treat.”
“Cherokee Morning Song” (4:35)