“RABID”

by OPOVV, ©2018

(Aug. 16, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the one show that strives to maintain your blood pressure at comfortable levels. Just kidding, of course, because if it’s one thing we don’t want to do, it’s to put you to sleep. When that guy with the Brillo hairdo had his painting show on PBS, I used to watch it to ‘reach a level of serenity’ that Madam Shylock calls a nap. Anyway, as you can see, we’re back in Professor Zorkophsky’s office here at the university, and with us today is none other than the Vietnam Vet and the Talking Dog. How you guys doin’?”

“The dog says we’re doing fine, thank you for asking, she says.”

“Please, Roving, call me ‘Zork’; there’s no need to be so formal.”

“Will do. Okay, let’s just jump into the subject at hand: Conjugating the word DOG. Let’s start with you, Zork.”

“Very well, if you insist.”

“I’m just pretending I’m polite, for the viewers’ sake.”

“Of course. You know, don’t you, you’re one case study? I could write volumes about you, every one a best-seller. Maybe do a TV series; syndicate it and make it like winning the lottery. I mean, look: a Vietnam Veteran and his dog, and the Vet says the dog communicates through telepathy, but only through him.”

“But of course, ‘cause he’s the only one who understands dog language. What, you think the dog telepathies in English? Get real, Zork. And you, a Nut/Wacko professor, should understand at least that much. Now, getting back to the subject at hand: the other day President Trump called a dog a ‘dog.’

“Excuse me please, but the Talking Dog says that our beloved president didn’t mean that she is a dog, like in a real dog, but that she was ‘dog-like.’”

’Dog-like?’ Now what in the heck does that mean?”

“Simple: it means she hasn’t been trained.”

“You mean trained as in house-broken?”

“Yes, Zork? No need to raise your hand.”

“What the Talking Dog means is that she isn’t civilized, which is to say that she belongs in a kennel.”

“The Talking Dog says Zork took away her punchline.”

“Hold it, everyone, and let’s calm down. Let me ask the Vietnam Vet something: can the dog telepathy yelling? I mean, you just raised your voice.”

“It wasn’t my voice: the dog does the talking; I’m just the mouthpiece.”

“I could make millions.”

“But don’t you have any control?”

“Look, and this is me talking, okay? I’m just an interrupter, okay? And let’s not make a big deal out of it, okay?”

“Was that you or the dog talking?”

“Both”

“Millions.”

“Okay, I’m afraid this interview is out of control. I wanted to learn more about what Trump meant when he called her a ‘dog.’”

Talking Dog says she is one.”

“Ditto.”

“Well, I see that the dog and the professor are in agreement and so, I think it would be a good time to call it a night.”

“Not so fast, Roving. I haven’t answered the question in correct psychiatric parlance. The girl is delusional. She’s living in her own made-up fantasy world and my suggestion is to send her down to Madam Shylock for a psychiatric evaluation.”

“Can she do that; I mean, is she qualified?”

“Anyone who has made a living at dealing with the delusional and easily-impressed for over 20 years is qualified, Roving.”

“What kind of dog do you think she is?”

Photo Credit:  Content Providers(s): CDC, Wikipedia, public domain

“The Talking Dog has but one word to describe her: rabid.”

“Okay, and I thank you both, the dog and the professor, for being on our show and so, without further ado, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Whew! I’m glad with got through that; turned out pretty good, if I don’t say so myself. Hey, what do you say we run over to Pastor Dunkin’s church; he’s having a cookout out back; burgers on the grill: my treat.”

Mutley Laugh” (0:27)

OPOVV

 

 

 

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