by OPOVV, ©2018

(Jun. 3, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the one show on the idiot box that purveys nothing but the truth, or a close proximity so to allow us to get away with, actually, quite a bit. For some reason my boss is gung-ho on answering letters over the air, so let’s get to it.

Dear Roving,

Long-time viewer here with but one question: are you for real? I mean, are Chief New Leaf and Madam Shylock real people or are you just a manifestation of your own warped imagination? And one more thing: remember those iridescent Armadillos? Was that for real?


Longtime viewers

Mr. Jack and Mrs. Gertrude Jackson


Dear Longtimes;

You want to have your fortune read, go to ‘Madam Shylock’s Fortune-Telling Emporium’ down in Cassadaga, FL, and while you’re there give my regards to Henry, the frog that lives across the street in the pond. Go around lunchtime; that’s the best chance to meet Henry.

Chief New Leaf is a real honest-to-goodness Cherokee Chief who drives his scrumptious million-dollar RV bus from tribe to tribe, gaining support for President Trump, honesty and the American Way.

And as far as the Armadillos go, the program was broadcast live, so you figure it out.




“Excuse us while we take a commercial break.”

Raindrops” (2:54)

“Alright. We’re back on our favorite corner, under the awning, across from the railroad depot about to interview, why, if it isn’t Reverend Dunkin. What you up to, slumming?”

“Haven’t seen you in church for a while, Roving. You know, church is a good thing for the soul. It’s that one time of the week when you can focus 100% on your problems without interruptions, a place and a time to ease your mind; to work out whatever’s bothering you.”

“Don’t forget the donations.”

“I don’t. We have a lunch wagon for the homeless and we help women who are in distress:  you know, women who get beaten and pushed around with no place to go. We find safe places for them and their children and we don’t get one thin dime from the government. I must go now. See you in church. Bye.”

“Bye. Sorry, I didn’t know about the charity work. Now I feel like a complete jerk. Let’s break for another commercial.”

In the Midnight Hour” (2:37)

“And we’re back to interview this young lady. Mind telling us your name and what you’re up to today?”

“Not at all, Roving and crew: my name is Bernadette but people call me Bunny and I’m off to the art museum.”

“So what’s your impression on the language and the antics of the Left these days?”

“It’s all caused by lack of direction. Their presidential platform had no relation whatsoever on what the American people expected of them. Americans don’t want to be gunned down while walking in the park or maimed by a drunk running a red light. They don’t want their property taxes soaring to the moon paying for illegals in their schools; they don’t want their kids coming home with whooping cough, diphtheria or TB. But Hillary never even mentioned those concerns: Trump did. Oh, sure, not all illegal immigrants* are bad people, but try telling that to an Angel Mom or a mother of a child who was gang-raped by animals. And here’s my train. Bye.”

“Thanks for talking to us. Excuse me, sir, I’m Mr. Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the immensely popular info-news show. So, what’s your name and where are you off to today?”

“My name is Roy and I’m off to attend a fundraiser.”

“Fundraiser? What for?”

“Why, the Democratic Party, what else?”

“Indeed. So maybe you think Trump is a racist, is that about right?”

“Plus the Russians.”

“Tell me, please, of one instance where Trump was a racist.”

“Oh, so you’re one of those, is that it?”

“Just tell me one instance that proves that Trump is a racist, and then point out one fact that Trump and the Russians were in cahoots.”

“I can’t recall.”

“You can’t because there isn’t any. Well, Roy, I hate to be the one that has to tell you, but you’re a complete idiot. Why don’t you learn to think for yourself, or is that asking too much? No, don’t answer, just be on your way; people like you is how Germany got the concentration camps. Good riddance.”

“You can’t talk to me that way.”

“I just did. Your mind is nothing but pure hatred because you believed in a lie and you just can’t face it, can you? Obama was a lie and so was Hillary. I bet you blame Benghazi on some video. Don’t you realize that Obama was a Muslim, or why otherwise would the US Navy give full Muslim honors when they buried Osama bin Laden at sea? Why didn’t they leave his body for the rats? You and your kind are behind the times and I don’t think Socialism and gas chambers is the way to go.  That’s why I support our president, and the sooner you get on board the better the whole world will be. Excuse me, sir, care to be interviewed on ‘Pulse?’”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Name’s Tim and I’m a security guard at one of the department stores downtown.”

“So what’s your take on Congress these days?”

“What I want to know is why they haven’t put McCain out to pasture by now. Talk about a bump on a log, he’s it. You know what? He acts, I mean he votes just as he always voted, doesn’t he? Maybe he’s had a tumor all of his life, you know?”

“You mean like he was born with a tumor?”

“Wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”

“And either would we. Is that your train pulling in? Let’s pardon LTC Terry Lakin, while we’re at it, okay? And one more thing: don’t interfere with a baseball player’s ability to catch the ball; that’s a fair warning, by the way; only get one. Sad to say that our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show except for the idiot. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Illegal immigrant: lawbreakers, as in breaking the laws of our land. Deport them ALL, and none of this anchor baby and DACA nonsense. And as far as renegotiation of NAFTA, allow us to execute rapists, murders and child molesters, no matter where they’re from.]

Just A Little” (2:20)



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