“THE USUAL SUSPECTS”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Apr. 27, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the most enjoyable half-hour you can expect from the idiot box*. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter and we’re back at Reverend Dunkin’s church down here on Hawthorn Street. Well, Reverend Dunkin, what’s happening?”
“You can call me ‘Rev’ for short, Roving, since that’s my real name. You see, my daddy was a race car driver and when I was a little boy all I did was run around making engine sounds, so I got the name ‘Revving,’ as in an engine revving, and it was shortened to ‘Rev.’”
“So, what, you’re not a preacher man?”
“Oh, I’m a preacher man, alright, except I’ve been called ‘Rev’ all my life and the rest, as they say, is history.”
“Oh, I know what they say, and it ain’t ‘history’; it’s more like, well, since I can get away with saying ‘horse hockey’ I’ll say it: it all smells of horse hockey to me; con-man; being taken for a ride.”
“Roving, you’re just a funny guy; flawed, but funny. Look, the reason why I called you down here is to introduce you to our latest project: ‘Put Her in Jail,’ a play about, well, I suppose the title says it all.
“The cast of characters is made up of the more notable personalities you’ve had on your show over the years. Here, come on in and let’s go to the auditorium and meet some of them.”
“Hey, Big Chief, how you doin’?”
“Heap fine, Roving.”
“Careful, Roving; you’re lucky I don’t have my crystal ball handy or you’d be in the pond with him.”
“Just kidding. Hey, Vietnam Vet, where’s that Talking Dog?”
“She’s out back checking on the squirrels.”
“Okay, Rev, what gives?”
“Since the Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, hasn’t done his job and called a Grand Jury, I thought I’d do it myself, in the form of a play. I plan to finance the operation going from town to town and charge for expenses and spending money, and that’s it. Call it a shoestring operation. But where we think we’ll really make the money is that we’re going to film it, like a documentary, and then try and sell it to a television station or maybe a movie studio; who knows?
“Actually, Roving, we’ll be accompanying Madam Shylock as she follows the summer small-town carnival circuit she’s been associated with for the past ten years or so. We got a good deal on a used tent and chairs, plus an old moving van that’s been rebuilt; thanks to ‘Turtle Who Sits on Rock in Moonlight,‘ who just happens to be a jack-of-all-trades. He even installed a pond in the back of the van for Henry.”
“You’ve met Henry?”
“Where you been, Roving? Why, Henry has been the financial advisor for most of us here for years. He says, ‘Never pay retail; what are you, some kind of schmuck?’ And, ‘Used is good; what are you, some kind of Big Shot?’ And my favorite is, ‘Pay cash, and if you can’t afford it, wake up! Paying interest is like kissing your mother-in-law, for Heaven’s sake! What are you, some kind of nut?’ And Henry even advises us on which stocks to buy. Why, ever since Trump was elected half of us have retired, or could, if we wanted to, already. By the way, Roving, when did you retire?”
“My last paycheck was when I was 55.”
“My, oh, my; how’d you do that?”
“Simple: all I did was quit drinking and going to bars, kissed the marijuana goodbye and stopped smoking. Once I did that I was actually making money, believe it or not. Bought a Porsche with my drug money, as I call it. Tell us more about these cast of characters.”
“Actually, the cast of characters refers to the people that we indict in our play: you know, ‘the usual suspects’: Hillary; Obama; Eric Holder; Lois Lerner; Loretta Lynch and all the others; just about everyone in the DOJ and the FBI; and every representative and senator who’ve been in Washington for more than two terms.”
“Why, that’s just about everybody in Washington.”
“Just about. Look, I was talking about the tent and van; well, here’s the deal, and let me know what you think about it. So maybe I want to be an evangelical preacher and my tent would become a revival tent, and when the hat gets passed it’ll also get filled. We’ll do the Pledge of Allegiance and sing The Star-Spangled Banner; I think we’ll close the show with ‘Oh, Happy Day’ (5:55).”
“I think that’s a great idea. Maybe we could broadcast some of your shows. Well, it’s been awfully nice talking to you, Rev, and seeing all my friends and learning about the play but, on behalf of the crew, I’ll have to wish you all a goodnight since we’ve run out of time: Goodnight.
“Great show and what a great idea: traveling with the carnival. Hey, let’s go out back with the Talking Dog and grab some burgers: my treat.”
[*idiot box: colloquial name for a television set.]
“Old Time Religion” (1:36)
Sharon Rondeau has operated The Post & Email since April 2010, focusing on the Obama birth certificate investigation and other government corruption news. She has reported prolifically on constitutional violations within Tennessee’s prison and judicial systems.