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by OPOVV, ©2015

“Closed for Lunch?”

(Jul. 16, 2015) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, we’re down at the docks welcoming the freighter ‘James Jones,’ where we’re going to board and have an exclusive interview with the intrepid explorer, Professor Wert. Some of you may recall the unbelievable claims that the Professor…what? He’s not a professor? ‘Professor’ is his name? So he’s a Mr. Professor Wert? You mean like Joseph Heller’s Major Major?

“Well, anyway, it doesn’t diminish the fact that, eh, Mr. Wert has had an impeccable record of discovering stuff. Hey, what’s in a name? The crane just lowered the gangplank and we’ll be boarding soon.

“Mr. Wert’s cabin? How about Professor Wert’s cabin number? Thank you.

“Here we are and the door’s open. Professor? Hi. Roving here for the interview. Come on in, guys, and set up over here. How was your trip?”

“Hello. Care for some liberation? Water? Just give your order to the steward as he takes my bags out. Lunch is on me. Okay, ask away.”

“Interesting name your parents gave you.”

“Yes, they were from the ‘Old Country’ and didn’t have any formal education, so it made them feel good to have a ‘professor’ in the family. Funny thing, I did go to school and actually became a professor of Anthropology on the G.I. Bill. I was in the Navy, which is why I travel on these freighters. It’s cheap and gives me time to write.”

“A couple of months ago you sent our news department a story of a discovery of an unbelievable place. Are you going to divulge any more information about it to us now?”

“Yes. It is safe to do so since I’m out of their reach. I have a tape recorder that I wish to play for you. It took great stealth to smuggle this device out of the country that I was in, and had I been caught I would’ve bee imprisoned.

“Here, let’s listen: ‘I really shouldn’t be telling you this, an outsider, but I will because you paid me so much money, but it’s true: all of our government offices are opened 24-7. That’s every government office, including little town libraries and licensing departments; planning and zoning; EPA; motor vehicle; welfare; Social Security; Department of Weights and Measures. Sundays; holidays. Open for business. Nothing delayed or postponed, ever! Full service, just as you would on a Tuesday morning at 10:20, say. Look, I’ve said enough, too much! I’m out of here. You never saw me, promise?’

“I couldn’t get her to say any more. I even offered her more money but she ran off into the night, and I was afraid to ask anyone else for fear of being turned in, arrested, jailed.

“I was wondering that, too. Government employees work for the people, right? The people pay the paychecks and the people decided that they wanted what they were paying for. So they were paying for a bunch of lazy good-for-nothings to have 22+ paid holidays a year, full medical, including dental, paid vacations and an iron-clad union so they could get a full pension. So the people decided, as long as they were paying for it, why not get it?

“Either show up on time and do the work or you’re fired, is what the people told the government employees. None of these Post Offices ‘CLOSED FOR LUNCH’ between the hours of noon and one. No office ever closed unless due to weather.

“So I brought back a tape to show my fellow citizens that we are the employers of ALL the government employees, including the person who resides in Public Housing Unit #1, that would be the White House. And that’s my discovery.”

“Wow! And I didn’t think it was possible, the citizens having control of their very own government. I bet they don’t have anything like Obamacare or make any self-destructive treaties with their sworn enemies, like we just did with the nuke deal with Iran. And Obama and Kerry gave up four Americans, and for what? If anyone ever wondered which side Obama is on, wonder no longer. Four Americans left out in the cold.

“Anyway, to get back on topic, wow again. This is news! I can’t thank you enough, Professor, for letting us know of a place where the citizens actually have a say in their government. Hot dog! So it can be done. Hear that, viewers? What we’ve always wanted is an actual possibility, I mean, if those people could do it, why can’t we?

“Well, I hope you enjoyed our show as much as we enjoyed doing it. Hot dog: a government of the people, by the people, for the people. You all have a good evening and thanks for watching. This is your Roving Reporter saying goodnight. Goodnight.”

Semper Fi


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