by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Mar. 9, 2025) — “Dastardly and Muttley Theme Song” (1:12)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We are honored to have Archbishop Dunkin choosing ‘Pulse’ as his first public interview. As you know, ‘Pulse’ is the most popular information show in its time slot. Welcome to our show, Archbishop Dunkin.”
“Thank you, Mr. Roving. I just wish I had some good news to share but, unfortunately, reality takes center stage.”
“Bad news?”
“Let’s just say ‘reality’ and let it go at that. As you know, the Hawthorn Street flock has been raising money to buy weapons to send to Christian communities in Africa, and weren’t we surprised that the Muslims in Syria have decided to wipe out their Christian neighbors who they’ve lived with peace and harmony for the past 1,600 years.”
“Yes, there’s been some horrible footage on the Internet of the Syrian Muslims committing atrocities that they record and immediately put on the Internet for all to see, like they are immensely proud and gleefully happy for inflicting pain and suffering on the helpless and sharing their newfound celebrity status with the rest of the worldwide Muslim community.”
“I preach that it’s a sin to view such footage. We don’t encourage stupidity and evil, which gives me an idea for the subject of my next sermon: ‘The Golden Rule.’”
“Good subject.”
“It is that. And that’s it, isn’t it? The difference between them and us, between Muslims and the rest of the world. We care; they don’t; it’s that simple. The demarcation between the two couldn’t possibly more obvious. Bottom line? They don’t care how they treat others, and if others would treat them as they treat or think about others, maybe their world will change but it won’t, so they won’t.”
“Such a waste.”
“I’ll tell you something I had no idea about, I mean, about being promoted. Here’s the thing: maybe God doesn’t talk to me any clearer than before, but I believe I’m listening clearer than ever before and I’m hearing that it’s not the difference between evil and good but between how civilized people live.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“Glad to. If you’re a Christian living in a Muslim country, you’re living your day nervously. If you’re a daughter of a Muslim father living in Dearborn, Michigan and going to a public school with boys, you’re living each day in trepidation. If you’re a Muslim wife, each day is one filled with fear. Now, if you’re a Christian living in a Christian country you live each day with the expectation of good tidings, that each hour goes by without dread or even the expectation of dread, heaven forbid.”
“No Golden Rule.”
“When I was stationed in Japan and among the Shintos and Buddhists, I walked the streets without any concern for my safety. When I was in Marseille, France, however, I made sure I stayed far away from any Muslim sector. There is no other group of people anywhere in our whole world that thinks the way Muslims do, to treat others NOT as they would wish to be treated, not by a long shot. Not even close. Not even in the same ballpark, state or country.”
“That’s rather sad, wouldn’t you say, Archbishop Dunkin?”
“For sure. According to them, we should stab them, rape their women, make them live in fear each day. But we don’t because that’s not the way we wish to be treated ourselves. People in India don’t go around with knives, but Muslims in New York City do. People in Japan don’t go around with Samurai swords and behead people, but Muslims everywhere do.”
“What’s the solution?”
“I’d like to say treat them as they wish to treat us, but God wouldn’t like that.”
“What would God like?”
“For us to deport them to their sand dunes and let them kill each other, because that’s exactly what they finally do, with us or without us.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Remember ‘reality?’ Well, now, we either do what’s in our best interest to survive and reach for the stars or sit around and wait for the Grim Reaper making us wish we had some people in charge who would take charge.”
“Do we hear an Amen to that?”
“Amen, brother.”
“And that’ll wrap up this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. This is your Roving Reporter, along with our newly-ordained Archbishop, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“What’d I Say” (4:45)
Roving Reporter