by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Jan. 27, 2025) — “Thanks a Lot” (2:45)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Zorkophsky’s recent book, ‘How to Stay One Step Ahead: A Marriage Primer’ has become the most popular ‘Non-fiction’ book of the month. We’ve also been hearing rumors that your book may become a movie; matter of fact, those rumors also say that production even may have already started. Is any of that true?”
“It’s all true. First of all, I want to thank you for having me back to hawk my soon-to-be ‘Best Non-fiction Book of the Month.’ Now as far as those rumors go, all I can say is that production is under way and the cast and crew smell awards in the future.”
“Why, that’s great. What kinds of awards do you mean?”
“Name them: from ‘Best Costume Design’ to ‘Best Original Screenplay’ – written by yours truly. I’m very excited about it and I didn’t realize how much I missed the movie business. It’s been quite a few years since my original blockbuster, ‘The Dandelion Wars.’”
“Why, that’s great. Care to give us a teaser?”
“Well, there’s this one scene where the ‘little lady’ overloads the washing machine, possibly subjecting the motor bearings to undue stress, and the husband doesn’t say a word. Oh, he sees it alright, bites on a pencil and taps his foot but keeps his mouth shut.”
“Wow, powerful scene. You do that in one take?”
“No way. Our leading man had a hard time keeping his mouth shut. Took multiple takes over five days before they got it right and that put us behind schedule and over budget, but with worldwide distribution we’re still going to make one heck of a profit.”
“I know my next question is off-topic, but what did you once say about judges?”
“I said judges are the weak link in our Republic. Go ahead and ask me about my part-time job at the university.”
“I understand that the university hired you to teach a course, part-time; what subject would that be?”
“Well, I am a licensed professional psychiatrist, you know, besides being a card-carrying marriage counselor. I’m going to teach a golf caddie class on how to read your mark.”
“’Mark?’”
“Golfer, the person who will, hopefully, tip generously.”
“No tax on tips.”
“Precisely. Maybe the caddie will suggest a few ‘mulligans’ here and there and mark the scorecard accordingly, or maybe, if the mark really messes up, the caddy will sniffle, maybe even cry outright. Maybe the golfer misses a two-foot putt; then the caddie may give an academy award-winning tantrum that would make a two-year-old proud. I teach the caddie to read the stress signs and act accordingly.”
“All for increased tips. Sounds really interesting. Well, I see our time has expired, and so this is your Roving Reporter, along with Zork, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Can’t wait to see the movie. Burger time: my treat.”