by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Oct. 15, 2024) — “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (2:28)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Professor Zorkophsky is our featured guest who will explain what Benjamin Franklin wrote in the 1700s. Well, Professor, go ahead and try to explain to our low- information voters why, even if they don’t vote, they voted.”
“Will do, Roving, but please address me as ‘Zork’ because I feel it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere. Okay, let me say this: even if a person is not a registered voter, whoever wins they voted for.”
“Say what?”
“That’s right, amazing as it may sound, they actually voted for whomever won because they could have voted the other way.”
“But they didn’t, so how could you say they voted?”
“Here’s how it works: Let’s say you’re invited to go boating and, as you step aboard, you’re offered a life vest. You decline and the ship sinks and you’re treading water, getting tired and about to go under when you spot a little kid with a life vest on. Pretty hard to come up with a complaint, articulating a reason to murder the kid. Just like voting, you can’t complain about something you didn’t do.”
“Got it.”
“You may understand, but most low-information voters don’t believe you. Here’s how it works: maybe you’re registered, maybe you’re not registered but, no matter what, your potential real vote counts whoever wins.”
“You’re saying even if I don’t vote I voted for whoever wins?”
“That’s right, because you could’ve voted for whoever lost. What happens is that if you don’t vote, you can never complain about who won.”
“Never?”
“Never, and if you do, that makes you an automatic liar. And liars don’t go to heaven.”
“I’ve heard that.”
“And nobody likes a liar. Here’s the thing: just register and vote for Trump. End of story.”
“And that’s the end of the show. Thank you all for watching. This is your Roving Reporter, along with Zork, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”