by Roving Reporter, ©2024
(Sep. 21, 2024) — “Sprach Zarathustra” (1:47)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Back by popular demand and a successful book-signing tour, Professor Wert will be our featured guest to discuss his latest book, ‘The Dawn of Language,’ a serious book for the amateur as well as the professional anthropologist. Professor Wert has been a longstanding guest and always has something quite remarkable to report, and we expect this visit will be no exception. Welcome back to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. So, you wrote another book; why is this one so special?”
“Hello, Roving, and thank you for having me back on your program so soon. About the book, well, I worked the longest on it than any book I’ve ever written. Really, it’s taken me 40 years to complete all my notes and references, speaking of which, the bibliography alone is 78 pages, which should give you some indication of the breadth and scope of this most accurate description of human writings and language, plus there’s a whole separate volume of photographs of ancient stone carvings, some as old as 15,000 years. Matter of fact, the book is so up-to-date as to have references as new as the Göbekli Tepe dig in Turkey.”
“That is quite fascinating. You said ‘volumes,’ didn’t you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. 17 volumes including the one with the photographs.”
‘Now that is impressive. Can you tell us a little about the subject? I mean, could you care to be more specific in your description?”
“By all means. You see, I’ve discovered back in the days of ‘Lucy,’ the oldest human remains found so far, evidence, as far as I could tell, of a ‘Typewriter Cult,’ believe it or not. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes, but the evidence kept popping up, from the pyramids at Teotihuacan, Mexico, to the Great Pyramid of Giza, or Khufu’s Pyramid. Hieroglyphs, yes, but ancient manuscripts as well, all written by typewriters.”
“No way.”
“Afraid so, and the proof is all there in my book. Undisputed Proof, I must add. I show undisputed evidence of correspondence from different groups of people to different parts of the world and, here’s the kicker: mistakes in typing changed the universal language to the hundreds of languages we end up with, what we have today.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“Gladly. Maybe someone ends some correspondence with the word, ‘Goodnight’ but misspells it to read, ‘Hoodnight,’ forever changing the scope of history and creating the ‘hoodie’ thieves in today’s modern jungles, commonly known as ‘sanctuary cities.’”
“Interesting.”
“Indeed. But here’s the really interesting part.”
“This ought to be good.”
“Trust me, it is. These writings also predict the future; for instance, there are old sayings such as, ‘Open borders result in the destruction of a country.’”
“Now that one is close to home.”
“The next one directly follows the open borders: human trafficking or, more specifically, child trafficking. In the very near future, ‘MADE IN THE USA’ will mean made by little kids chained to the assembly line; thank you, Miss Border Czar Kamala Hyena Harris.”
“My word, and the Dems support Kamala knowing there is child trafficking. Amazing.”
“Isn’t it, though? I have no patience whatsoever for a Dem, a voter for the Hyena; none at all.”
“Nor should you or anyone else. Now, about these typewriters.”
“An amazing invention, without a doubt. I’ve even found evidence that they predicted that the ‘stupid shall worship a lie and turn their backs on the truth.’ I like that one.”
“Right, the ones that will vote against their better interests. Voting for rape trees, Fentanyl, and human trafficking doesn’t make a lick of sense, does it?”
“Hardly, and with that we’ll call it a night. This is your Roving Reporter, along with our featured guest, Professor Wert, wishing each of you a goodnight: Hoodnight. Ooops! I mean to say, ‘Goodnight.’”
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Goodbye, Stuart Varney of Fox News. You had the chance to stand tall, but you caved. Shameful. Disgusting. Makes me ashamed to have ever watched you many years ago.]
“Fighter” (2:56)
Roving Reporter