by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Aug. 1, 2023) — “Try That in a Small Town” (3:00)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. We have an exciting show for you so let’s get right to it. Our first guest is a retired ‘spotter’ who worked on the geriatric cruise ships that specialized in traversing the Panama Canal. That sounds rather interesting. How many times did you go through the locks?”
“Over a thousand times and never got tired of it. It is truly a fascinating journey.”
“So, if it was so wonderful, why did you retire? I mean, you’re what, in your 40s?”
“Forty-nine and, yes, I would’ve stayed as long as I could do my job, but it got way too dangerous after Biden got in. We couldn’t debark the passengers for the sightseeing tours of Panama after some were kidnapped; some were raped; some were murdered. And that’s too bad because that jungle is absolutely beautiful, or was; now it’s as filthy as a landfill.”
“But I thought that was the case only on our southern border.”
“No, I’m afraid not. From South America, through Central America and far into the United States, it’s a trail of filth, including human bodies strewn along the way, mostly of girls from the ages of 8-18.”
“Have your personally seen any bodies?”
“No, I haven’t, but I’ve seen bones and what are called ‘rape trees’ trees hung with girls’ undergarments who have been raped. So, getting back to your question, my 20 years just happened when it all went downhill.”
“What’s your assessment of the situation?”
“I believe in ‘cause and effect’: The existence of ‘rape trees’ is the direct result of Biden’s open border policy; you can’t get around it. You can’t talk it to death, you can’t ignore it and you can’t wish the rape trees away. The rape trees are real, from South America to Oklahoma and Wyoming. If you are a Dem, you are supporting the rapes and deaths of young ladies, and that’s the bottom line. If you support Biden, you support murder, and if you don’t like the truth, well, you just heard it, so there.”
“That’s clear enough.”
“I hope so. Like inflation, it’s not complicated: as the price of a barrel of oil goes up, the value of the dollar goes down, something that is easily understood, and we don’t need any Harvard-educated professor telling us what we already know. And speaking of Harvard, how much respect can anyone muster for an institution that doesn’t fire liars such as Elizabeth Warren and which discriminates against Asians because they score higher than others? Not much, and in my book, Harvard is at the bottom of the barrel, where all the other slime live. I got news for Harvard attendees: every book found in the Harvard library can be found elsewhere: the fallacy of the Harvard library has been debunked for over a century.”
“Well, that’s certainly clear enough, maybe even for a Harvard man to understand. Thank you for sharing that. And now a commercial break. Don’t go anywhere.”
“Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes” (2:49)
“And we’re back with Anita who runs a card shop. So, you sell cards.”
“Cards for all occasions.”
“Have any for ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome?’ You know, like a ‘Get over the bug’ or something along those lines.”
“Yes. I have the ‘Sorry to hear that it costs you more for everything’ card which, when you open it, Mozart’s ‘Requiem’ (2:46) is played. That’s what I would call a ‘bipartisan card.’”
“Do you have any funny cards, something that would make people laugh?”
“Back in 2020 I sold a lot of ‘Biden Dementia’ [‘They’re Coming to Take Me Away’ (2:10)] cards but after a few months they didn’t sell. I had funny ‘Elder Abuse’ ones, but they only sold for a few months as well.”
“What about 2021; what were your big sellers then?”
“Oh, we had a run on how crooked the FBI is. We had the ‘In Sympathy: Who do you call when you see a terrorist?’ card. The punchline was ‘Bring it up at your next school board meeting,’ which was the bestseller for seven months. I sold a lot of ‘Thinking of You, have a Gay Military’ and ‘Heard you got a promotion: Got Your Clot Shot?’ cards.”
“What’s your bestseller?”
“Oh, my, that’s got to be a tie between ‘Merry Christmas: Send Obama to GITMO’ and ‘Happy Easter: Judas Pence, May He Kiss the Devil,’ hands down. Matter of fact, those two cards outsell my ‘Wish You MAGA Well’ cards two to one. ‘Congratulations: Let’s go Brandon!’ [’81 Million Votes, My A**’ (3:13)] is also a steady seller.”
“Really, now? Well, thank you for being on the show. A quick commercial break and then to our last guest.”
“Boogie Chillen” (3:10)
“With us in our studio is our favorite General, the General. Welcome back to ‘Pulse,’ the most- watched information show in its time slot. Where’s the chalkboard on wheels?”
“Out in the hallway. You’re out of uniform, soldier.”
“No, sir, I beg to differ. My attire is 100% pure civilian.”
“But you look like a slob, soldier, and I won’t have it.”
“That may be, sir, but I like it that way. I’m comfortable.”
“Don’t you have any pride, son?”
“Of course I do; I’m a civilian. Why, to be in the Army [‘The Army Song’ (1:05)] nowadays you have to be vaxxed, and I’m not taking any myocarditis-inducing drug, no, siree, and maybe say you believe in CRT.”
“Well, you got me there. When all our military men and women start keeling over by the hundreds, you can bet your bottom dollar all those Chinese young military-age men already in our country will take over while we sleep. And the woke cops will stand around and follow the mayor’s orders, which will be to ‘stand around.’”
“You don’t have a lot of faith, do you?”
“I have plenty of faith, which is why I wish I had a ship to sail up the Potomac to pay a visit to Congress. Look, Congress has been at it for 2½ years and what have they done for the country? Open borders and kissing China, that’s what, while Biden reels in money from all over, selling us down the river, or sold us out; what’s the difference?”
“I guess none, then or now. Anything of importance you want to say?”
“How rude. Every utterance of mine is important; you should know that by now. I say vote Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy O-U-T and do it, for crying out loud. I want to see people in jail, people like Governor Gretchen Witmer letting China build batteries in her state, and let’s find her China money in Panama or maybe in her cabin.”
“You think she’s being paid off?”
“She’s either taking money or she’s stupid plus a traitor, your choice. I vote for REALLY STUPID. And speaking of China, our government – meaning our military, Joint Chiefs of Staff and all that – has been working together with the CCP, certainly since Obama and maybe before. So my question is this: what did Biden give the Chinese for those millions? Was it the cavitation signatures of our subs, maybe all our ships; who knows? But what we do know is that Biden gave the CCP something. And as far as who is subservient, our military defers to China’s. I wonder if your previous guest has a Whitmer ‘Stupid Card?’”
“I’m sure she does. Matter of fact, I bet she has ‘stupid cards’ for John Brennan and his kind.”
“Governors of California and Arizona?”
“Gavin Newsom and Katie Hobbs? No doubt about it. Both stooges of China, either wittingly or not; same result.”
“So being stupid is bad.”
“Being stupid is being ‘Biden-like’ and being ‘Biden-like’ is what a Dem is: a supporter of open borders, ‘rape trees,’ and the CCP.”
“Oh, good, you tied it all in. I was just thinking that a ‘rape tree’ is symbolic of what’s happening to our country. Crazy, isn’t it? Sure, the Dems are hurting everyone else but at the same time they’re hurting themselves. Go figure. And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse.’ Thank you for your input, General, and that’ll do it for us. Goodnight, one and all.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Reminder: We here at ‘Pulse’ support capital punishment for those who have committed voter fraud. We also endorse Henry as the next Secretary of Defense.]
[Fact: With our open border policy, if I were in the military today, I would not put my life in danger nor would I order anyone else to put their lives in danger. That’s just the way it is.]
[Will General Charles Q. Brown Jr. be the last nail in the military’s coffin?]
“Gimme All Your Lovin’” (4:39)
Roving Reporter