by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Apr. 18, 2023) — “Samba Pa Ti Bass Cover” (4:33)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today’s featured guest is our very own fortune-teller, Madam Shylock, who is starting her Spring Adventure that follows the snow-melt to Alaska and back down to her home in Cassadaga, FL. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And so very glad to be back. A lot has happened since I was last on. By the way, you were off the air for a couple of weeks; what gives?”
“Eye problem that is now so-so. Getting better; so what’s the latest in your world?”
“The latest is that I’ve been forced to abandon previously-held stops because, let’s face it, only a fool would venture into a sanctuary city. For the last 30 years I’ve stopped in La Grange and Downers Grove, Illinois, but I say why chance it? Too close to Chicago for me; just a few minutes away from downtown on the Burlington. And forget Wisconsin and Minnesota, two of my favorite states, or used to be until they went ‘woke.’ No ‘woke’ for me; I’m a strict law- and-order and follow-the-Constitution type of voter.”
“So, you’re a Trumpster.”
“Ever since he rode that silver escalator with his wife. Best thing that ever happened to America, and for those who can’t see it, all I can say is go back to school starting at kindergarten and maybe they’ll learn to get along with others. Or maybe bring back the ‘poll tax’ with the question, ‘Name one good aspect of Totalitarianism.’”
“What’s your take on the Democrats having their convention in Chicago?”
“Great idea, showing off how the stupids govern themselves, like Minneapolis, for instance.”
“I see your point.”
“You do? That’s good because most people haven’t a clue.”
“Excuse us, please, while we take a short commercial break.”
“The Tide is High” (2:37)
“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky since Madam Shylock was suddenly called away for an emergency séance, who we didn’t know did seances. What about it, Professor Zorkophsky?”
“I understand that one of the people who was mowed down in Waukesha, Wisconsin in 2021 has somehow contacted their son, a dentist who, I’ve been told, receives messages from his dead mother via one of his fillings, right-rear molar, if I’m not mistaken.”
“Right molar?”
“From what I understand, but it might’ve been on the left, maybe a premolar.”
“And Madam Shylock was contacted – for what?”
“I believe to record the mother talking to her son, is what.”
“Madam Shylock is a recording engineer?”
“I guess.”
“What does she record?”
“So far, it’s the mother asking why her son doesn’t move to Beverly Hills, or Delray Beach, Florida. And the mother keeps reminding her son to increase the ‘plastic surgery’ aspect of his practice.”
“How do you know so much about Madam Shylock’s doings?”
“Because we’ve been seeing one another whenever our paths cross.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, I went to the VA hospital last week and it was a nightmare. First off, they had a mask requirement. Okay, we all know that masks don’t work so one would expect the place to know better. Wrong. They said as soon as Biden was sworn in they’ve been masked. Stupid people mindlessly following stupid orders.”
“Let’s break for a minute. Be right back.”
“Do You Wanna Dance” (3:18)
“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky who, pardon me — you’re bailing?”
“Sorry, but I have just received an emergency call from one of my previous students who is in deep distress, so much so that I have to help save a life.”
“A suicide?”
“No, the murder of the idea that being ‘woke’ is somehow good and beneficial to anyone, anywhere, at any time. It is, in fact, nothing other than a cry for help that the world is too complicated and please send me to some Funny Farm ASAP.”
“A cry for help in the wilderness?”
“Worse, caught in the whirlwind of despair with no possible way out unless…”
“Unless what?”
“They accept that the whole Russian Hoax was a lie fabricated and paid for by Hillary, that they made fools of themselves for being taken-in by the ‘puppy crying corals’ and ‘wailing parties for the gullibles.’”
“But they didn’t know they were gullible, a least not then.”
“And maybe not even now, but we did, and they should.”
“Even people on ‘The View?’”
“There’s exceptions for every rule.”
“And will you just look at the time? That’s it and so, on behalf of Zork, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a good night: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Love is Strange” (3:49)