by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2023
(Mar. 14, 2023) — The house lights dim as the curtain rises to the tune of ‘Hair’ (3:29) to a stage set as a old-time pool hall. There are five tables, regulation size, with the fifth table center stage, the only one lit. The hall is crowded; the backdrop is of a bar the width of the stage. Every stool is occupied by spectators who are casually dressed except for the two players who are in tuxedos, one black, the other blue.
Black Tux: “Nine ball, two-rail, side pocket and if I make it, you shave your head, right?”
Blue Tux: ”And, if you miss, what then?”
Black Tux: “I miss; it happens.”
Blue Tux: “If you miss, you shave yours.”
Black Tux: “No way am I goin’ to shave my head. I’ll be losing my hair soon enough naturally without speeding up the process.”
Blue Tux: “You’ll be speeding it up if you miss, you mean. Besides, you’re going to miss anyway; there’s no way you can two-rail that shot. You know, you’ll look just like a Chinaman with a shaved head, like that cue ball.”
Black Tux: “Have you noticed all the commercials about shaving, and shaving all parts of your body? Creepy if you ask me.”
Black Tux: “Hair is nature’s early warning system, kind-of like that radar line in Canada before satellites. If you had a wood tick crawling on you, you’d feel it in a heartbeat, but without any hair, the only time you’ll feel it is when it bites you and then maybe it’ll be too late. You just got infected with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and, without the proper antibiotics, you die.”
Blue Tux: “So let’s change the bet to an even $100.”
Black Tux: “And if I miss?”
Blue Tux: “You know what I think? I think the Deep State is goading people to run against Trump, is what I think, and before you say anything, the people who jump on the political bandwagon against Trump may be so out of touch that they go with it. Look at Nikki Haley, not a chance; why, Henry has a better chance than she does. Besides, Henry is qualified and she’s not.”
Blue Tux: “That is so true, natural born and all of that. What about DeSantis?”
Black Tux: “Nothing but a Romney substitute. Let’s get real: Biden has done more harm to the world – forget the country – that only Trump has a snowball’s chance of putting all the wrongs right. Henry for sure but, truthfully, I don’t think people would want a talking frog sitting across the table from the two snakes-in-the-grass, Putin and Xi Jinping. I mean, I believe in Henry but maybe those two don’t.”
Blue Tux: “The Chinese are, on the whole, a somewhat hairless people, aren’t they?”
Black Tux: “That’s right, and they want everyone hairless and wearing black pajamas. No sexual identity, the ‘woke philosophy of nothingness.’”
Black Tux: “That’s pretty good, hairless being a Chinese thing, to put it over the hairy American barbarians, the deplorables and the election deniers. Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll make the shot, side pocket, two rails, and you treat me to a burger. Now, if I miss, I’ll buy you a burger. Deal?”
Blue Tux: “Shoot.”
Black Tux: “Getting back to the GOP candidates for president, I think if any of them really cared about the future of our country, the future of the Constitution, they should back Trump all the way from the get-go; don’t you?”
Blue Tux: “Of course; it’s a no-brainer. Look, these people — I mean besides Henry who isn’t really a ‘people,’ right? — they are either RINOs, really stupid or getting financed by the Deep State. If any of them really wanted to save our country they wouldn’t be throwing a wrench in the gears, if you catch my meaning. It’s Trump all the way and none of this ‘Nikki Haley for VP’ nonsense, either.”
Black Tux: “I wholeheartedly agree. Henry would have all the Muslims and the illegals out of our country within a year, two at the most. First is to put Schumer and McConnell away, far away in some Funny Farm in the middle of nowhere. I think I’m about to shoot now. No more interruptions.”
Blue Tux: “For a burger, right?”
Black Tux: “A regular cheeseburger with fries and a malt.”
Blue Tux: “What about a soda?”
Black Tux: “Okay, with a soda or a shake.”
Blue Tux: “Maybe a malt.”
Black Tux: “I’m shooting now so don’t say another word. Two-rails, side pocket.”
Blue Tux: “Not another word.”
House lights brighten as the curtain lowers to the tune of “Beauty School Dropout” (4:02).
FINI