by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Feb. 20, 2023) — “Cry Like a Baby” (2:32)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it first. Years ago we used to interview Professor Zorkophsky at his office at the university but we’ve never been to his house, where we find ourselves now. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most- watched information show in its time slot. What do you call this room, Professor Zorkophsky?”
“I call it ‘the den.’”
“I don’t see a fireplace.”
“A figure of speech. You see, ‘fireside chat’ connotes familiarity, as in a relaxing atmosphere. And please call me ‘Zork’ since I believe it makes for an additional relaxing condition, not so formal.”
“Yes, certainly, Zork; we can do that.”
“Very well. I asked for this interview because I want to hawk my latest book, plus I think I’ll become a hermit-like creature since the world is becoming more dangerous by the day, each additional day Biden grinds our country into the ground by allowing our borders to be wide open, an invitation for every country in the world to dump its undesirables: rapists, pedophiles, and murderers. Oh, and Biden welcomes terrorists, and not just Muslims. Why, I bet there’s more than a million Chinese PLA soldiers all over the USA just waiting to be ordered to zap our energy grid and paralyze us while they take over. Wouldn’t doubt it in the least. Remember what George Washington said: ‘In time of peace, prepare for war.’ We think our country has been untouched by foreign invasion, but that’s not true; not now.”
“You seem to have a pretty dark world view.”
“Born of necessity, my friend. This is what I’ve learned: the world is a very dangerous place, and your only hope of refuge is to have a lifelong partner who you can trust implicitly. That’s it: anything less and you’re on your own. But let’s talk about my new book, the book about we’ve blown ourselves up in the past, but before we get into that I’d like to make a comment on the railroad disaster in Ohio, if I may.”
“Most certainly.”
“Thank you. I have a suggestion: on every railroad crossing, display a hotline 800 number to get in touch with the railroad to be notified of any problems. Maybe four-inch reflective numbers would be all you’d need. Wouldn’t cost much, but I think it’s an idea that would work.”
“Why not just call 9-1-1?”
“Because a railroad emergency is not a kidnapping emergency; is not a break-in rape; it’s not a stalking situation. A call to the railroad hotline goes directly to the railroad where they can contact the dispatcher who in turn can contact the conductor: use the public to provide early warning.”
“I like that idea. It’s cheap, doable and it’s just good common sense. Let’s take a quick commercial break.”
“Butterfly” (2:35)
“And we’re back with Zork, the well-known author of textbooks for the amateur psychiatrist. Zork went to a war, returned with PTSD, got his PhD in “Certified Doctor of Nuts,” was employed by the VA but was subsequently discharged for refusing to treat his patients with pills that made them 1) dependent and 2) didn’t cure them. Zork then became a professor and treated PTSD patients with what he called ‘Nut Groups’ that relied on friendship and communication. To this day he has not lost one patient to suicide and, as a bonus, none of his patients has taken the ‘Clot Shot,’ So, you wrote a book about humans going to Mars and discovering that, a million or so years ago, a previous generation of humans beat us to it; is that about the gist of it?”
“Yes, but I’m pulling the book because I’ve decided to rewrite it as a screenplay and produce the movie. I think I’ll make a larger profit and, after the release of the movie, I’ll publish the book. I think it’s the best I can do to maximize a return on my hard work.”
“What hard work? Construction is hard work while writing a book doesn’t seem to be a backbreaking task in the least.”
“That shows how much you know. What about the annoying interruptions? What about the ‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’ and ‘Are you coming to lunch?’ And whenever the dog barks you have to laboriously get up, leave the room, go to the front door, open the front door and go out onto the front porch to see what the commotion was. And I haven’t even started on the uncomfortable chair, the temperature not quite right, the noise of airplanes and ambulances to boot.”
“But you live in the boondocks; there’s no planes or sirens out this far.”
“But there could be, someday, and then I’m able to remember the sound of jet engines and sirens, so I guess that about covers it.”
“But I thought you wanted to hawk your new book.”
“Wrong; I just want people to pay top dollar to see the movie and then buy the book.”
“Oh. But there’s got to be more; I mean you didn’t give us much.”
“How’s this, then: always check the pockets before you put the pants in the washing machine; WD-40 removes the glue residue from pulled tape; a scarf is a good trick to keep warm?”
“Hold it. Let’s say we regroup while we pause for this short commercial?”
“How Blue” (2:42)
“And we’re back with Professor Zorkophsky who, I hope, will be a little more professional.”
“How so?”
“This is no book review; this is nothing more than an advertisement for your movie.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, even though it’s the truth. How ‘bout we talk about what’s really important; would that be better?”
“It might.”
“Very well. They talk about honest and fair elections, so what? I’d rather hear them talk abut deporting the bad guys, okay? I’m talking about sending our Special Forces into Africa and wiping out the Muslim terrorists who raid villages and kidnap young girls. I’m talking about doing some good in the world and not just listening to politicians wasting our time.”
“So what about Trump? Is he wasting our time?”
“I hope not, but to be truthful, do you think Trump will deport Omar and all the rest of her gang, a gang that wants to kill all of us nonbelievers? No, you don’t, and neither does anyone else. Muslims 1; Americans 0.”
“That’s a little hard on Trump, don’t you think?”
“That’s like asking someone on their way to the showers in Germany during WWII, ‘Now do you believe them?’ Be a little late, don’t you think?”
“But then who else, if not for Trump?”
“Well, Henry for one, but truthfully, I don’t think anyone would actually cast their ballot for a frog, talking or not.”
“Yes, I see your point.”
“Nikki Haley opted out when she caved into the ignoramuses and lowered her state flag for the last time. I want to say if we don’t go after all the statue-topplers, we’re worthless citizens, just talk and no action. We have an invasion going on right this minute on the border of Texas, right? So, this is what is happening in the USA today: we are desecrating the memories of those who fought and died for the Constitution. We yell, ‘Remember the Alamo!’ but to what end? Tell me, did Davy Crockett and all the others die in vain, because that’s just how it’s lookin’. And it’s a shame, a national travesty when you turn your back on honor and patriots who gave it their all.”
“Well, we have to agree with you on that point.”
“I’m serious about the statue-topplers; we should go after them vigorously. I think a few years in prison ought to make them see the light. Outlaw landmines everywhere, including in the DMZ between North and South Korea. One more thing: our Constitution is, basically, legalese mumbo-jumbo of the Golden Rule, and if you don’t subscribe to the Constitution, fair warning to the Jan. 6 guards and judges. Enough said about that.”
“We got it, and I’m afraid that’s all the time we have and so, on behalf of Zork, this is your Roving Reporter wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, except for the book review that never happened. Burger time: my treat.”
[Note: Davy Crockett was executed by General Santa Anna’s officers after Crockett was captured at the Alamo in 1836.]
[The United States’ reckless exhibition that is Ukraine is but a symptom of the cancer of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, let alone the kooks in Congress and the ‘K’ Street representative of the arms manufacturers of the world.]
[We can thank LBJ for giving us Welfare, Affirmative Action, ‘woke’ teachers who don’t teach, and the Democratic cities that have become major danger zones.]
[The ‘knockout game’ is back. Solution? Carry a weapon; let me suggest a .38.]