From: Chris Cirino
Date: February 4, 2023 at 2:48:49 PM EST
Cc: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: The United States of CCP
Good morning, Joey Kahn esteemed executive editor of the tabloid, The New York Times. I hope today finds you well on this brisk New York day. I’m sure you are a busy beaver covering all the accomplishments of our warrior, installed leader Joey Robinette Biden. It is almost like this man (I think he identifies as a man), can do no wrong. I know that by all the unbiased, apolitical investigative reporting your fine tabloid provides—nary a critical word about our installed leader.
The Man can do no Wrong
I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of this political dynamo—the man in my eyes, as well as yours, seems to do no wrong. I understand they are already making plans to include him at Mount Rushmore. Details are being worked out: it seems planners are not sure if they will include his trademark waffle cone, and propeller hat, that he likes to wear, while riding his big wheel through the halls of the White House. Oh that Joey Robinette, such a scamp!
Well, it seems those lunatic right wingers are at it again—attacking Joey on all fronts. Why can’t they ever focus on all the great things he has accomplished, like…..well, ah, um, well, we can talk about those later Kahny.
Spy or Weather Balloon?
It seems that there is a balloon hovering over the United States, Montana specifically, that has been identified as property of Communist China. Conservatives are outraged as to why this spy/weather balloon was not identified as soon as it entered across our sovereign border? Perhaps officials in Portland or Seattle were busy holding the doors of jewelry and drug stores open, so criminals can more easily leave with their garbage bags of stolen property. Give them a break radical right wingers, what are you racist!
Well, back to the balloon. The CCP has said there is no cause for alarm, as this is a weather balloon. But, our Pentagon was not going to be bullied, no sir—they said this has all the earmarkings of a spy reconnaissance balloon. Ok, you militarily warriors, what do we do next? Well, the powers that be said let’s just monitor it. Wait a minute! Didn’t you just say the CCP was SPYING on us? What gives Kahny?
General Milley: Military Genius
Well, after Joey got up from his usual 1-4pm nap, he was all over this. He wanted to shoot it down (although, no one specifically heard him say this), there is the decisive installed leader we all know. Well, the military advised against this and decided to monitor the situation. Word is—General “I will give the enemy a heads up” Milley met with CCP officals and concurred that it is a weather balloon. When pressed for specifics, the “General” said, that CCP officials said, “I cross my heart and hope to die if we are lying,” and then they pinky sweared! Ole “keep the enemy in the loop” Milley, said that was good enough for him. Beijing Biden was briefed about this exchange after his 5-6pm pre-dinner nap. He had to run as his mac&cheese was getting cold. His press Secretary Karine Goebbels said, he has clearly stated that he is closely monitoring the situation……sort of like the southern border.
Alternative Points of View
Well Kahny, there has been a ton of speculation as to what is really going on, see if you think any of these are plausible:
-This is the new form of money drop for team Biden. After all, the big guy has to get his 10% somehow from the CCP.
-Joey likes balloons as much as ice cream and cartoons
-It is being used to monitor domestic terrorist parents, the ones that don’t want to have their kids indoctrinated with CRT, or gender ideology in KINDERGARTEN. Crazy Conservatives, right Joe Kahn?
-It is the new rallying cry of the oppressed BLM….Balloons Lives Matter.
-Heels Up Harris likes to look up at the pretty balloon and wave at it from her toney estate in Brentwood California. When asked to comment she said, “balloons are so beautiful, they reflect freedom, because freedom is beautiful like balloons, which in their own right are beautiful, which is much like our beautiful freedom.” I still can’t believe she only garnered 2% of the vote in the Democratic primary in 2020……I claim racism as the reason.
-It is being sent to Mar-a-lago, and will be protected 24/7 by F-16’s, on the orders of “General” Milley.
Well Kahny, it seems that conservatives I hear from are fed up. They have said that the corrupt puppet occupying the White House is at best woefully incompetent (as well as his equally incompetent administration), or at worst bordering on treasonous. They point out the United States, which has not protected our land borders, now is doing likewise in regards to our airspace. They want to know what the tipping point is? When foreign fighter jets fly over our sovereign nation, will the Vegetable-in-Chief be propped up with cue cards and teleprompters to say, “we are closely monitoring the situation.” If foreign troops land on our shore, will Beijing Biden say, “this is only a minor incursion,” sort of like him green lighting Russia before they invaded Ukraine. But if they start dropping bombs, they better watch out. Talibiden says that if this were to happen, he may consider cutting short his long weekend at his beach house, then come back to Washington and then……closely monitor the situation. So, we have that going for us.
What Gives Joe Kahn?
So, this country can put a man on the moon, but cannot figure out how to dismantle a balloon? What gives Kahny? Word from the pentagon was they didn’t want to endanger the 14 people who live in Montana. I can imagine all the evil despots around the world belly laughing at this entire clown show.
I did see that while this was on most front pages when the story broke, I found this story on page 18 in your Pravda, sorry The NY Times. We now know that the clown car administration knew this balloon was in our airspace for a week before releasing the information to the public. It seems that they wanted this tidbit hidden, so Secretary of State Blinken could go to China to take his usual tongue lashing from his masters, without this being exposed. Always the consummate professional you are Joe Kahn, this did not make it to print in your tabloid. You are a good servant to your masters. After all, wasn’t your publicity photo when you were installed over at Pravda—of you drinking coffee/herbal tea out of a CCP mug on your office floor in your stocking feet, while reading the latest edition of Pravda? Keep running cover for Bidenflation, nothing to see here.
This News Just Disappeared
Hey what happened to all the stories about the STOLEN documents taken by President Trump? Oh, that’s right, Botox Joe then MISPLACED documents from multiple places, when he was a Senator and VP, and NOT President—and miraculously the story disappeared. See the little play on key words there Kahny, I picked that up from you consummate “journalists” at Pravda.
Next time we talk Kahny, maybe we could analyze the total meltdown by squad members on removal of IIhan Omar’s removal from the House of Foreign Affairs Committee. She is best known for her disparaging antisemitic and anti-American remarks, such as her reference to 9/11, when she said, “some people did something.” I don’t know why they are all upset, this precedent was set by their leader—the effervescent, lovely, grandmotherly, stock trading guru, Chardonnay Pelosi.
Cries of racism, misogyny and tears, by the other members of the squad. AOC, was visibly upset, and ended her show with “no one has apologized to me yet, after my life was threatened.” Huh? I understand she was visibly upset behind the scenes also saying, “she is still upset Tommy asked Jenny to the prom instead of me, and that I should have been named class most attractive girl, and not Carol…..IT’S JUST NOT FAIR,” she screamed. We also found out that she was let go from her bartending gig, because she just couldn’t remember the ingredients to a gin&tonic. Poor, poor Sandy.
Well, I’ll let you get back to work Kahny. Remember the old Gray Lady’s mantra: printing all the propaganda that is fit to print. You’re a good servant indeed, Joe Kahn.
Chris Cirino is a retired New York City fireman who has taken to satire to address the problems he sees in politics and government. Perhaps in a glimpse of things to come, he was named “class wit” in his Catholic elementary graduating class of 1975. Prior to joining the NYFD, he worked for Local Union #25 IBEW.