by Roving Reporter, ©2022

Then-incumbent President Donald J. Trump and Democrat presidential nominee Joe Biden debate in Cleveland, OH, Sept. 29, 2020 (Screenshot: The Wall Street Journal)

(Jul. 1, 2022) — “Laramie Theme Song” (2:23)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. The Supreme Court recently announced that the most drastic form of birth control – murder by abortion – will no longer be available for the ignorant and those who ‘game the system’ to the bitter end. We gave them an inch – abortion the first trimester – but when they extended the time to the moment of birth (and even after), that was the last straw. Now that we got that out of the way, l am very honored to introduce our featured guest, Professor Zorkophsky, the author of numerous bestsellers, mostly for the amateur armchair psychologist, and the producer of Dandelion War,’ one of the most popular family films specializing in the anti-insecticide-pesticide message. Welcome aboard.”

“So glad to be on-board, Roving. Thank you for such an informative and comprehensive introduction. Now, what do you say we get down to the basics and start hawking my latest nominee for the bestseller list: ‘How to Fix the World’s Problems in 10 EASY Steps’? I’d really like that.”

“Very well, but first can you give us a clue what some of the ‘easy’ steps are?”

“Well, I’ll tell you one of them.”

“Okay; tell.”

“Revert back to all of Trump’s policies; that’s one. Open up the oil and coal industry but put an immediate stop to strip mining. My gosh, do you know that we’re sitting on top of a vast reservoir of natural gas? Drilling and fracking, forget solar and wind. That’s step #1.”

“That sounds rather reasonable. What about any other step?”

“Well, that would be the same as the first one.”

“You mean to say that all ten steps are the same?”

“Unless anybody else can do better, that’s right; that’s about it.”

“So it’s a short book with a low price?”

“Oh, no, on the contrary: it is a full 398 pages and sells for $19.95 wherever books are sold.”

“But why should anyone buy the book when you just — just now — let the cat out of the bag?”

“Search me.”

“I must say, Professor Zorkophsky, this has been a most disappointing interview. I hope our audience understands that this is not the norm for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Maybe we’ll have you back when you’re feeling better. Why don’t you go over there and sit for a while? I must say, though, that Boris Johnson, the prime minister of England, sure missed the boat when he said it was Putin when it is clearly Trump who is required to accomplish the monumental task to put the world back on track. We’ll take a short break; be right back.”

Theme from a Summer Place” (2:28)

“And we’re back with Max Masters, an undercover something or other, isn’t that right?”

“It is. I was working undercover as a ‘Ballot Specialist’ in the Boston area but then moved to Georgia where working undercover was a real joke. I mean, why bother?”

“That bad? I mean, these people are the dumbest on the planet. How dumb are they?”

“They think that the Republicans are responsible for the Jim Crow laws and the KKK. Heck, anybody who knows how to read knows it was the Democrats who are keeping them in slavery, even to this day. Welfare; Affirmative Action; it never ends, from generation to generation. When will they ever learn?”

“Excuse us, please, while we take a short break.”

Where Have All the Flowers Gone” (3:02)

“We’re back.”

“Now, where were we? Oh, when will they ever learn?”

“Apparently never.”

“Now isn’t that the truth? Ballots in boxes hidden under tables, and all caught on camera. Not even lifting a finger to hide the crime of the century. They have neither the brains nor the foresight to comprehend the repercussions of their naivete.”

“So much for patriotism in Georgia.”

“They aren’t the smartest, although some are. Government education biting us in the foot, again. And when you think about it, why is there even one vote for any Dem at any time? Like why would anybody want $5 gas? You tell me, but I’m telling you not to believe any poll that is favorable for the destruction, or replacement, of the Constitution.”

“Open borders?”

“Think bacteria and viruses, and then think the unthinkable where the whole human race is in danger of extinction, all thanks to the stolen election. China, Russia, Muslims running rampant in Africa, as usual, all coming completely unglued. And speaking of Putin, why bother with Ukraine in the first place? He already has Europe in a stranglehold. If Putin expects any other army to fear his army’s ability to throw a howitzer’s shell into an undefended apartment building, all he has shown us so far is a failed tactical advantage and wasted ammo. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to work I must go. Thank you for letting me share some truth with your audience. One last statement: forget New York; I mean, they chose Lee Zeldin over Giuliani; that’s like saying they want the carjackings and murders to continue, keep sanctuary cities intact, and let the Republican Party continue to call the shots. What a bunch of dummies. Bye.”

“And off Max goes. What do you say we take a break?”

She’s in Love with the Boy” (4:11)

“Okay, we’ve a little time left and since Professor Zorkophsky is still in the studio, let’s have him back, shall we? He is the author of ‘How to Diagnosis Your Spouse for Mental Illness Issues.

“Thank you, Roving, glad to help out. ‘How’ is my latest book, $19.95, wherever popular books are sold. I believe this book is the most detailed survey of the human brain, as far as magnetism goes. You see, what we are, what we really are, is an electrical generator that has a propulsion system. This propulsion system is made up of arms and legs and is guided by sensors that register light, temperature, humidity, sound, vibrations and untold combinations of the aforementioned, and even some that have not been mentioned, such as ESP.”

“Wow, seems like you really bit off a mouthful this time.”

“An accumulation of a lifetime of research, truth be told. Chapter One is about love and the concept of the soulmate,’ for which I fall back on personal experience.”

“But aren’t you a divorced individual?”

“I thought I had it right, but she cheated, so I guess I was wrong. But there are some out there who get it right, and God bless them.”

“I’m looking through the book now. Chapter 5 is titled ‘Day Camp’; what’s that about?”

“I ask the question: You have a precocious 12-year-old girl, and there are two day camps from which to choose. One is run by Joe Biden, the other by Donald Trump. Make your choice.”

“Any more like that?”

“Well, in Chapter 7 I ask the question: ‘You are required to open a savings account, one managed by Joe Biden, the other by Donald Trump. Make your choice.’”

“I like that one. Any more?”

“Chapter 10 is titled, ‘Zoning and survey issues: how to solve them,’ where I give the reader the choice between the ‘Biden Way’ vs. ‘The Trump Way.’ Make your choice.”

“One more.”

“Alright. I call Chapter 12 ‘Moving Out: instructions for the movers.’ Do you want the movers to leave everything behind, as Joe Biden did when he left Afghanistan, or the ‘Trump Way,’ where not even a nail is left behind? Your choice.”

“I like it, and this is one book I’d really like to read. Anything else?”

“Just to say that I’ve really messed up most of my life, making wrong decisions after wrong decisions. The best thing I ever did was marry the best thing that ever happened to me while the worst thing was divorcing her. Go figure. But…at least I was never married to anybody as totally despicable as Lois LernerChristine Blasey Ford, or Cassidy Hutchinson*. Amen.”

“That makes two of us. Amen. And our time is up and so, on behalf of Professor Zorkophsky…”

“Wait! Excuse me, but would you please call me ‘Zork’ since I feel it makes for a more relaxing atmosphere.”

“And our time is up and so, on behalf of Zork, this is Roving wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Learner, Ford, Hutchinson: I cannot imagine being married to a woman like any of them.]

[Little People report: Stay tuned.]

[A shoutout to Mike Lindell for being an ALPHA MALE PATRIOT. Thank you from everyone here at ‘Pulse,’ starting with OPOVV.]

[If you were to choose one Easter Sunday sunrise service, I would like to suggest the Grand Canyon one.]

[Thomas Jefferson, of Barbary Pirate fame, would be turning in his grave knowing that we have Muslims in Congress.]

[Almost last thought: Any parent who had their 17-year-old or younger child so-called ‘vaccinated’ needs to be charged with child abuse and, furthermore, any adult who took the ‘Clot Shot’ should be removed from the eligible voter rolls for being one step beyond stupid. I’m sorry, but if you drank the government’s Kool-Aid, you just gotta suck it up and pay the price.]

[Last thought: Why is it that, to be the Secretary of Defense, you must be just plain stupid? There has not been one in the last 20 years that was worth his weight in salt, not one. Same with the Joint Chiefs of Staff; I always thought that the cream rose to the top, not scum. Outlaw the ‘Clot Shot’ and trash the masks, once and for all. Bring back the Draft before it’s too late to even have an outside chance to save our Republic. Always be armed. Me? I carry a round in the chamber, just as when I stood guard when I served in the US military. Without, mind you, exception.]

[Very last thought: A special ‘THANK YOU’ is hereby bestowed upon Sharon Rondeau for her dedication to post the transcripts of ’Pulse. Thank you, Sharon.]

Don’t Bring Me Down” (6:13)

Roving Reporter

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