by Chief New Leaf, ©2021
(Dec. 11, 2021) — “Emotions” (2:49)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Roving Reporter (RR) is taking some time off and he’ll be back next week, but if not we have plenty of seasoned interviewers who are able and willing to fill in. Our first guest today is a member of the ANTIFA group…”
“Movement.”
“…movement, who has been in the thick of it for the last two years. First, would you please state your name and what you do for a living?”
“My name is Secret and I’m a professional rioter.”
“Oh, very well; we won’t use your name.”
“But that is my name: Secret. You see, when my mother had me out of wedlock, when the nurse asked her the baby’s name, my mother said ‘We want to keep it a secret,’ and there you have it.”
“I can understand why Roving had to take a break. Let me ask you this, Secret, did you get any professional training to be a professional rioter?”
“Well, yes, I did. I went to university for a number of years; matter of fact, we all did. I mean, in order to be in ANTIFA you have to be exposed to the Socialist way of thinking, and the best way to do that is to attend university, I mean, any university in California and Illinois will do, and then there’s New York, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania.”
“Did you graduate?”
“Well, I did, but you don’t have to.”
“How did you get hired?”
“They ran ads in newspapers; just show up with your transcript and you’re hired on the spot. Oh, they don’t take Veterans or the handicapped but, in lieu of any transcript, a statement from the Welfare office proving you’ve been gaming the system for three or more years will also get you hired.”
“Interesting. Who pays you?”
“Well, that’s a secret, a real one, but we’re encouraged to loot stuff that we can sell on the Internet, quick and cheap — well, maybe not too cheap or else the cops might get suspicious.”
“But that isn’t likely to happen, is it?”
“Are you kidding? For standing around and looking the other way, the cops skim off 10% so, no, they don’t care. Remember in Chicago when that Rolex store was looted? And did you see the cops, standing across the street watching them?”
“Yes, matter of fact I did, we all did. I thought they were only following Mayor Lightfoot’s orders.”
“Well, they were, but they were also looking out for themselves; get it?”
“I’m afraid we do. What about the FBI and the DOJ? They arrest peaceful Jan. 6 election fraud protesters but let all those rioters in Seattle and Portland walk around free.”
“Right on; ain’t it great? They arrest the innocent and let the bad guys go free. Go figure. But we make out pretty good. Listen: the average ANTIFA lawbreaker makes 100 grand a year, tax-free.”
“I’m in the wrong line of work.”
“Sorry, all filled up; there’s even an on-call waiting list.”
“So you smash plate-glass windows; isn’t that dangerous?”
“Oh, no, not with the good training we get. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but there’s a ‘Boot Camp for Rioters.’”
“No way.”
“Yes way: we’re taught the basic tactic of ‘throwing the smoke bomb back’ and the proper method of ‘avoiding tear gas.’”
“What about arson?”
“Not for me, but they take the real crazed ones for that class: dangerous, for sure, because when you mix gas, or how Maxine Waters would say, ‘gasoline,’ with crazy over-the-top fanatics, anything can happen.”
“What about the assaults and the murders?”
“Not supposed to happen but, come on now, look who you’re dealing with.”
“But you seem to be a cut above the normal ANTIFA rioter.”
“I’m in it for the easy money.”
“I see, but don’t you care about theft and arson? I mean, insurance doesn’t pay on looting and fires set deliberately.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“You mean they don’t teach you that in Boot Camp?”
“I’m sorry, but I just remembered I have to be somewhere else.”
“And off he goes. What do you say we take a quick break for a commercial?”
“More Than I Can Say” (2:31)
“And we’re back with Mary Jane, a Cosmonaut.”
“No, you read that wrong. I’m a cosmetologist.”
“Cosmologist?”
“No, I do women’s hair: that makes me a hairdresser. I’m on the show because I used to work undercover by sending pictures of ANTIFA nitwits rioting when their masks slipped, then I would shake down the parents for money and give them the negatives, or, nowadays, ‘proof of delete by BleachBit’ in return.”
“So you were a blackmailer? For real?”
“Don’t knock it. Imagine you’re a parent sending your kid to school; maybe it’s a four-year university that costs an arm and a leg, only to find he ended up brainwashed by a bunch of flaming Communists: what then? Wouldn’t you pay to keep it a secret?”
“Yes, of course I would. How do you do a fee scale on something like that?”
“Easy: property taxes times twenty. Simple, cheap at half the price, and fair.”
“Fair? How do you figure that?”
“One: they take their kid out of university and transfer him to a private school, some out-of- the-way college in Podunk Land where they raise Old Glory at 8:00 in the morning and play Taps at night, and, two: they are required to attend summer school, which kills any chance of rioting.”
“You mean there’s a ‘riot season?’”
“But of course, from late March to early October. Bye; gotta run.”
“And off she goes, back into the rat race of life. I heard on the news this morning that some are afraid that our Olympians may be kidnapped in China, as if our government would give a hoot; after all, they sure as heck didn’t give much of a hoot for all those they abandoned in Afghanistan when we ran away in disgrace, leaving 18 billion dollars’-worth of goodies for the Taliban, to boot. Oh, will you just look at the clock; how time flies, which we are going to do after I wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[Little People report: continued communications blackout.]
“O Tannenbaum” (4:18)
Chief New Leaf