by Roving Reporter, ©2021
(Nov. 17, 2021) — “Can’t Get Used to Losing You” (2:24)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re in the Big Apple to do some street interviews to see what our neighbors think. Excuse me, Miss, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Never heard of you. What is that? Is he supposed to be your cameraman and that phone the camera? Are you a joke or what? You know, there must be 50 witnesses.”
“Calm down, lady. We’re a legitimate TV station that has the shows trans-printed in The P&E, a well-respected political blog.”
“I still got witnesses.”
“That’s nice, so here’s the question: if you were president, what would you do?”
“You mean if I were president right now, today?”
“Yes, right now.”
“The first thing I’d do is tell the Department of Statues to make one of the stupid VP, Kamala Harris, with a big sign saying, ‘DUMBEST VP IN HISTORY.’ Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta run.”
“And off she goes and we’ll follow with a commercial break.”
“Ku U I Po” (2:13)
“And we’re back with Mr. Streak. Is that your real name?”
“Is ‘Roving’ yours?”
“Touché. So, if you were president for a day, what would be the first thing you’d do?”
“I’d give Trump a call and tell him to get his (bleep) back in the White House and close the border, to start; then I’d abolish the FBI, along with the Joint Chiefs of Staff*; and then…”
“Hold on; you answered the question. Thank you, Mr. Streak.”
“It’s just ‘Streak’; I ain’t no ‘Mister.’”
“Right. Next in line, please, did you hear the question?”
“What I would do if I were president? Truthfully? I’d call Trump and let him fix the mess that ‘Let’s go Brandon’ got us in. Heck, with Trump I’d be driving to work; now I’ve got to take the bus. And speaking of the bus, right on time. Bye.”
“Here’s another commercial; be right back.”
“His Latest Flame” (4:02)
“Another ‘Trump’ answer; not so surprising after all, is it? Excuse me, please, Roving for ‘Pulse.’ Care to be on TV?”
“Hi, mom.”
“You’re not supposed to say that.”
“Oh, sorry, what you going to do, bleep it out? What are you, Fake News?”
“No, no, nothing like that. If you were president, what would be the first thing you’d do?”
“Really? I’d get rid of that incompetent Attorney General, is what I’d do. He puts handcuffs on Steve Bannon and lets the rioters burn and loot; now where’s the sense of that?”
“There isn’t any.”
“Right, and that’s my point.”
“Mind if I ask what you do for a living?”
“Not at all: I used to be a fireman but now I spend my days in the library catching up on all the books that I was meaning to read.”
“Well, might as well make something out of a bad situation, right?”
“Right. Look, I’ll give you a bit of advice: if you stand out here too long you’re going to get mugged. Me? I’d go to another city — no, strike that. I’d go to a small town where they still have firemen and cops on the job. Bye.”
“Thanks for talking with us. If the cops were doing their job up in Wisconsin, none of us would have heard of Rittenhouse. You want to stop a riot? One bullet would do it, or at least a few warning shots; that would get their attention, for sure. I think we’ll take that man’s advice and move on out of here. This is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Let’s skedaddle. Burger time: my treat.”
[*Joint Chiefs of Staff: Look, you want the truth, the true definition of stupidity? Professor “Trash the masks” Zorkophsky says that masks don’t work, like trying to stop a mosquito or a gnat with a chain-link fence. Really, now, masks are only worn to give concession to the Chinese, so why are our top military brass kowtowing to the Chinese? Zork says to “Trash the masks”; do it.]
[Little People update: can’t say.]
[Fact of Life: No border, no country.]
[Last thought: To those who approve of (or make) the current TV commercials, give it a rest. And you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’re sick of them, pushing it down our throats. Stop it. And for those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, you need to make an appointment with Zork, or perhaps some other psychiatrist, ASAP; no kidding.]
“Nobody But Me” (2:13)
Roving Reporter