by Roving Reporter, ©2021
(Jun. 18, 2021) — “Little Things” (2:25)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Back with us is Professor Zorkophsky, the well-known author of numerous bestsellers and popular guest speaker anyplace that will pay his fee. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most popular show in its time slot.”
“Please call me ‘Zork,’ but I must take offense to the ‘pay-my-fee’ part. Allow me to set the record straight: I don’t charge to give a speech as long as I’m allowed to set up tables in the lobbies to sell my books and the movies that I have a financial interest in. Now, ask away, Roving, but first I’d like to say that ‘Zork’s Seeder’ has been selling like hotcakes from farm equipment stores and will soon be available to suburbia.”
“’Seeder?’”
“That’s right; here’s a photo of one.”
“Why, it looks like a lawnmower.”
“That’s because it is a lawnmower without the blade, and it’s self-propelled. See these three bins? The middle one, or the big one, places the seeds between the wheels and these two smaller ones on each side drop the seeds where the wheels go.”
“What’s the point?”
“The point in that I developed two seeds of the same variety of grass, except one is a little darker green than the other; that way, no matter how high the grass grows, it looks like it was just mowed because the lawn will have ‘always-mower-wheel-lines’ (that’s pretty clever marketing, wouldn’t you say?)”
“So no matter how long the grass gets it always looks like it was just mowed because it looks like it was just run-over by a lawnmower?”
“And you never hear, ‘When you going to mow the lawn, Dear?’”
“I like it. I want one; where do I buy it?”
“Any hardware or home improvement store. Here’s a coupon for 10% off.”
“Gee, thanks, Zork.”
“Don’t mention it; glad to be of help. Now, ask away.”
“We will after this short break.”
“Diggin Up Bones” (3:03)
“And we’re back with Zork, the well-known nut psychiatrist. Let me ask you this: what kind of mother would want her child exposed to deadly diseases?”
“I’d have to say ‘none’; why do you ask?”
“Because for some inexplicable reason our southern border is wide-open, that’s why, and the people who are crossing are carriers of multiple deadly pathogens that are extremely contagious, such as tuberculosis, or just TB, that’s why.”
“It’ll be the death of us.”
“Roving, that’s the worse pun in the whole pun history; I think you better retract it.”
“No way; anyway, since this is a live broadcast, it’s already out there and by this time next week the Martians will hear it. Let’s take one more commercial break, shall we?”
“By all means.”
“Ukrainian Love Song” (2:37)
“We’ve noticed that you always sign off as ‘Professor “Trash-the-masks” Zorkophsky’; care to explain?”
“I don’t know about you or, for that matter, anyone else; all I know is about myself and I will not be silenced. I will be heard, one way or another, which is why I don’t like censorship, and masks are nothing if not muzzles. That’s right, I said ‘muzzles’ since they don’t do a darn thing about health or as a defense against the flu virus, okay? But they do a lot about stifling communication: sound is only half of how we communicate, with facial expressions being the other prime tool we use to convey whatever we’re talking about. Am I making myself clear?”
“’Muzzles,’ like you put on a dog?”
“Figuratively speaking, since we have the ability to remove masks to, for example, work a fork or any other table-tool. By the way, the next step would be to have masks with a ‘built-in straw’ so all our meals could be liquid. Of course the elites – the ruling class – will be exempt from ‘straw masks.’”
“I must say, Zork, you never let us down with your outlandish ideas.”
“Not so much and not so fast, Roving. I want you and all of the listeners to think ‘muzzle’ rather than mask. Can we do that? Think of the muzzle as a tool to shut you up, as in denying your right of free speech to offer constructive criticism, for example. No more yelling, ‘I love you, Mr. Trump!’ at a rally.”
“Okay, that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse’ so I want to thank you for watching (or reading) and at this time we’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
[Little People update: right now the paratroopers are bivouacking on the shores of Cascade Lake, Maryland. Spirits are high.]
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Poor Little Fool” (2:30)
Roving Reporter