by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2020

(Dec. 17, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. With us today is the world-renowned intrepid explorer, Professor Wert, who is about to reveal to us what is perhaps his greatest discovery to date: an ancient tablet found in Uganda that chronicles the adventures of a sailor of the First Dynasty.”

“So glad to be here with you on your new radio show, Professor Zorkophsky.”

“And we’re so glad that you’ve taken the time to be with us; after all, you must be in high demand with the documentary and the book release last week. Oh, by the way, please call me ‘Zork’ since it tends to make for a more relaxing atmosphere; and what should I call you?”

“Why, ‘Professor’; what else? Wait, I didn’t mean to sound rude.  Actually, that’s what my parents named me: ‘Professor,’ so I became one. They wanted a Professor and now they got two (family joke).”

“So your name is Professor Professor Wert, for real?”

“For real. I received my professorship from FAU in ‘Relaxing Studies,’ a curriculum that allowed me to read whatever I wanted and party every night. After school I hitched a ride on a freighter and started to write about the out-of-the-way ports I got off on.”

“How did you end up at the birthplace of the Nile?”

“A sightseeing cruise had an empty cabin and offered it for a good review, so that’s how I ended up in the Uganda Museum at Kampala. I asked to interview the director of the museum and as I was entering his office, I inadvertently kicked his doorstop, which looked like an interesting rock in the shape of a rectangle with a rounded end. Anyway, it fell and split open.”


“You ever hunt fossils? Easy to do with all the strip-mining in our country: where there’s coal there are fern fossils to be found, they say. Anyway, this ‘rock’ doorstop split open to reveal hieroglyphs that are now known as the “Fireman and Deck Ape’s Bible’; I kid you not.”

“What did it reveal?”

“In a nutshell, ‘if you think things are bad now, just give it a minute,’ and then there are examples of misfortunes morphing into catastrophic events, a whole slew of them.”

“Must’ve been pretty small writing.”

“It was: the translators needed a magnifying glass to read them.”

“General, we’re on the air. We’re broadcasting from the General’s den using his shortwave set, and the General just wheeled in his chalkboard on wheels.”

“Sorry to interrupt, Zork, how do you do, Professor — long time no-see – but some important information just became available that I think your audience needs to hear.”

“That’s okay, Zork, I was about done anyway.”

“Okay, General, what do you have?”

“I came across a Chinese handbook, in English, explaining the ‘New China Way,’ co-authored by Jane Fonda and Hunter Biden. It explains the benefits of ‘Re-education Camps’ as to be found in Vietnam and North Korea. Chapter One explains the benefits and the perks.”

“Perks? What possible ‘perks?’”

“It says here, ‘free room and board are just a few of the many exciting perks.’”

“What does Chapter Two say?”

“I quote: ‘Islam is a peaceful religion.’”

“Now isn’t that nice: Joe Biden is the CCP’s puppet. How much time do we have? Not enough? All right, so we’ll wish everyone a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Professor Zorkophsky  

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