“HOPPING MAD”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Jul. 8, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. I’m standing on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad depot about to conduct person-to-person impromptu interviews to garner some insight on what our neighbors are thinking. There’s some sort of commotion going on over yonder; I wonder what’s up. What do you say we meander on over to see? Excuse me, please, but what’s going on?”
“See that man in the Army uniform, next to the chalkboard? He’s handing out bumper stickers; here, look, I got one: ‘HOMPY RIGHT NOW.’”
“I’m sorry, but could you please read the small print on the bottom for me?”
“Oh, sure. It says, ‘HOpping Mad PartY is a registered trademark of the HNC, Hopping Mad National Committee.’”
“Excuse me, mister, but are you the end of the line?”
“Yes, I think I am. This line sure moves fast. There’s a sign up ahead that reads, ‘One per person, please.’ And here comes a train and we’re already at the front.”
“Do you believe it?”
“Believe what, General?”
“We’re all sold out, I mean, we gave them all away already.”
“I’m speechless. I mean, the announcement was just yesterday about the ‘Hopping Mad Political Party.’”
“Here’s an old saying from an old cavalry officer, Roving: ‘Moss does not grow under a moving horse’s hoof.’ Remember that.”
“I surely will. Would you have an update on that saying?”
“That would be, ‘Would you have an update on that saying, General, Sir?’ Matter of fact, I do: ‘Any engine sitting too long will have condensation in the oil pan.’ Remember that one, too.”
“I surely will, Sir. So, where are you in the hierarchy of the Hopping Mad’ organization, Sir?”
“I’m the ‘Master at Arms’ and I have a M1911 Colt .45 on my hip to prove it, to enforce the ‘One per person, please’ rule.”
“Yes, but where did the ‘please’ come from, Sir?”
“Ever hear the saying, ‘You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’? Henry said that as I was setting up this booth here.”
“Henry is here?”
“No, they just dropped off the bumper stickers and left; going down south where Superman lived.”
“Just missed them; darn. So as an official officer of the ‘Hopping Mad Party,’ can you answer some questions about what your party stands for, Sir?”
“For sure by writing the words ‘white and black’ on my board here and then erasing them.”
“Isn’t the phrase ‘black and white’ instead of ‘white and black’?”
“I just said that to emphasis how utterly ridiculous and childish, petty and picayune, ignorant and stupid people are. My son is a construction superintendent, and he never judges the results by the hue of a person’s skin. The work must be to code and a tad above to satisfy him. You want to see someone go on the warpath, just mention ‘Affirmative Action’ to the Chief.”
“Which reminds me, did you happen to see his RV?”
“It’s the only way to travel.”
“So, General, Sir, what would you say the underlying theme of ‘Hopping Mad’ is?”
“One word: reason. If it sounds far-fetched, it probably is; if it strikes you as a scam, most likely you’re right; and if it hits you over the head and slaps you in the face, go with your initial gut feeling. We don’t recognize, cater or subscribe to something as self-defeating and lowdown as racism. Simply put, attempting to reverse the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ — the Golden Rule — applies to everybody everywhere at every time: therefore we do not accept racism as a talking point.”
“But what if, for instance, Louis Farrakhan brings it up?”
“Then he can go out in some field and have his discussion with the field mice; maybe they care about his childish rants, because we sure as heck don’t.”
“So there’s no use having a discussion about ‘Black Lives Matter?’”
“No way, no-how because, by accepting the premise that originally, law enforcement targets a specific minority, is preposterous. The statistics don’t lie: 80% of the prison population is black because they do 80% of the crime. I have heard, on your program, that the way to get rid of the police is to not commit any crime in the first place. Men shouldn’t get drunk and beat their wives and girlfriends; they shouldn’t take out their failures on others; their world would be a real utopia here on earth, a real honest-to-goodness Shangri-La if they would just have a little work ethic and a lot of Jesus in their life.”
“Yes, we have often said if you don’t want the cops around, don’t break the law. They say they want Socialism, don’t they?”
“I see where you’re going with this conversation, Roving: and what a good test it would – could – be: between now and the election if there would be absolutely zero crime. If a man wants to have a drink, have a drink, that is, as long as they don’t become a mean drunk. Think of it, a reasonable reason to defund the police: no crime requires no police, as simple a solution as could be.”
“But it’ll never happen, will it, Sir? Excuse me but we have to break for this commercial.”
“Here, There and Everywhere” (2:24)
“It’ll have the same chance of Socialism ever succeeding, human nature being what it is.”
“So what’s the solution?”
“Get people back in church; teach the kids how to read and think for themselves; and not to blame others for their failures.”
“That’s it? That’s all there is to it?”
“In a nutshell.”
“Well, good luck with the ‘Hopping Mad’ political party agenda. By the way, are you guys holding a convention and, if so, where will it be?”
“Top of the list, as of this morning, is West Palm Beach, Florida, but that’s not written in concrete so keep checking in.”
“Do you have a date set yet?”
“Not yet. Look, I’d like to diagram the ‘Battle of the Bulge’ and how General Patten saved the day, that is, if you have the time.”
“I’m sorry, General, we just ran out of it and so, on behalf of the crew I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Nice to see you again, General, Sir.”
“You, too, soldier. Proper uniform next time; that’s an order.”
“I’ll take that under advisement, Sir. Burger time: my treat.”
“Blue Moon” (2:45)