“I FEEL PRETTY SAFE”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Feb. 28, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Tonight we’re going to broadcast a previously-recorded interview with Chief New Leaf at his forest retreat somewhere in a flyover state. Let’s get this commercial out of the way so I don’t have to interrupt the program.”
“Crying in the Chapel” (2:28)
“And we’re back. Pretty nice setup you got here, Chief.”
“All the comforts of home in the middle of the forest. The road in is an abandoned logging road so I just drive my RV in, push the automatic level button and I’m all set for a couple of weeks. Solar; satellite; washer/dryer; freezer, and all paid for: cash on the barrelhead.”
“So retirement has been good to you?”
“I take home more money a month than I did when I was working full-time, mainly because I don’t have any of the taxes. Yes, my couple a dollars a week for thirty years for my retirement has paid off in fantastic dividends, more than expected. But let me tell you about living in the middle of nowhere.”
“How far is the nearest gas station?”
“Six miles, but half of those miles are downhill. And before you ask, I’m well-protected with a foolproof security system.”
“Now what security system is foolproof?”
“I’m sorry; I misspoke. I don’t, for instance, have a radar for incoming ICBM’s, if you’ve noticed, or Patriot Missiles. I don’t have a SWAT team standing by, but I do have a dog and I carry, so I feel pretty safe.”
“What kind of guns do you have?”
“I’d like to own a tank, but I don’t have one: I’d order the flame-thrower option. I have the usual guns, but not for hunting*: I don’t hunt. Personally, I think the only fair way to hunt is with a knife: anything other than that is the murder of another species.”
“What attracts you to the forest?”
“I enjoy the abundance of activity, and I’ll include the sky in that statement. Birds are quite entertaining. I have a bird feeder next to the booth window and I really enjoy the interactions.”
“Do you and the dog walk and explore the forest?”
“Twice a day. I’ve learned a lot about the wind, that the wind isn’t constant; it twists and turns through the trees, and not like a wall of air, but as if it’s a snake-of-a-breeze, meandering through the forest, sometimes rustling the leaves on the top of the distant trees, and by the time it gets to me and the dog it may be on the ground, and always a good ten degrees cooler than the ambient air.”
“No way.”
“Ever see a cartoon where there’s a campfire and the smoke, instead of rising and getting blown away, leaves the fire as if it’s a jack-in-the-box and goes off through the forest, sideways? I had a fire like that last night. Really neat.”
“I bet. So have you kept in tune with the rest of the world?”
“Well, for sure, Roving: I have TV and the Internet.”
“So you said. So what’s your take of the Democratic nominees?”
“None of them are worth a hoot; I mean, open borders? These illegal immigrants are bringing in diphtheria and whooping cough; tuberculosis and drunk driving, as if that isn’t enough. And then there’s the abortion thing. I say make the voters, who are about to cast a ballot for a Democrat, watch a video of a full-term baby executed. No, the Party is anti-American so I wouldn’t give them a snowball’s chance.”
“So what, then? Isn’t there anybody?”
“No, not as long as the Democratic Party is anti-American. You have Bernie Sanders posing with Ilhan Omar for pity’s sake. Sanders is as much of a Jew as Pocahontas is a Cherokee, and to accept Omar is the same as trashing the Constitution and accepting Sharia Law.”
“But Sanders is a Jew. What about Biden?”
“Sorry, Roving, Sanders doesn’t walk the walk. And Biden is almost as crooked as Hillary. No, the Party is dead; it died the day JFK died. JFK lowered the taxes to stimulate the economy while today’s Democrats are ant-capitalists and not one of them understands business, only kickbacks and payoffs at the expense of the American people.”
“What about the Deep State?”
“We have way too many judges who have no business sitting on the bench, and until the day judges rule by the law instead of politics, we’ll continue in our downhill slide. The thing is, our country isn’t in the best shape. We have queers and women on Navy ships, and if that isn’t just plain irresponsible, I don’t know what is.”
“What’s wrong with women on Navy ships?”
“I’m sorry, but if I have to explain the answer to you, I’d be wasting your and my time.”
“No, I mean can you answer the question for the viewers?”
“Same rules apply, Roving. Ask me a question about what we Indians think about Elizabeth Warren.”
“Okay, Chief, what do the Indians think about Elizabeth Warren?”
“Not a heck of a lot and Harvard a lot less. Here, give me a hand with the fire and we’ll cook up some burgers: my treat.”
“And that’s how it went, in the woods with the Chief: Goodnight.”
[*guns not for hunting: that’s right. The guns are for defense from goons and from the government if they ever abolish the Second Amendment that’s when you’ll really need to be armed: to protect yourself from an overzealous government, and for proof look no further than today’s Venezuela.]
“The Master’s Call” (3:31)