Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan Announces CHAZ Part of Major Improvement To Trump’s Pathetic “Opportunity Zones” Program      

“NO INVESTMENT NEEDED”

by Linda Jordan, ©2020

(Jun. 17, 2020) — [Editor’s Note:  The following is strictly satire.]

“We call it the ‘Whoppertunity Zones Program,’” said Durkan at a press conference yesterday where she announced the city of Seattle would be turning over two city blocks of what used to be valuable real estate, now known as CHAZ, to BLM et al Inc.

“Democrats, and my fellow socialists, communists on the City Council, wanted to show President Trump a better way to support African-American people of color,” Durkan explained.

Mayor Durkan was referring to President Trump’s program to encourage investment in poorer, predominantly black neighborhoods and cities.  “With Opportunity Zones,” the President had said, “we are drawing investment into neglected and under-served communities of America so that all Americans, regardless of zip code, have access to the American Dream.”

In Mayor Durkan’s plan there is no investment needed from evil capitalist corporations; she encouraged those corporations to give money directly to BLM et al Inc. “If you are black and maybe brown, but mostly black, if you are a black activist group and come to this city and organize others to your cause, really put the effort in, like riot, destroy businesses, loot, set things on fire, engage in acts of violence against our police officers, block our freeways and city streets, we will give you prime real estate, just give it to you. We will even erect a border wall around your new ‘Whoppertunity Zone.’”

“BLM et al Inc. has shown that they were willing to do the work, to break the law night and day for over two weeks, no matter what it took. They deserve this. They deserve a Summer of Love,” Durkan said.

When asked if the city was going to give BLM et al Inc. the East Precinct which she ordered police officers to abandon during the riots, Durkan replied, “We are working out the details for that. But I want to assure residents in this area that the Seattle Police Department will continue to serve this community. However, they will be limited to life or death situations and response times will be longer.”

“Police are a trigger for many of our citizens on Capitol Hill: our Marxist blacks, our fascist WBDBs, our white, woke, upper-class, our confused youths. We want to create a safe space for them.  So basically this area will be a no-go zone for cops, except for life-or-death emergencies, but robbery, theft, burglary, assault, and minor traffic accidents will be allowed to freely flow.”

The Mayor estimates this ‘Whoppertunity Zone’ will create thousands of  “more naturally-occurring jobs that don’t feed corporate greed.” When asked for examples she replied, “Robbery, drug sales, art,  prostitution, crafts, extortion, t-shirt sales, chalk & spray-paint manufacturing.”

Contact for Press and Angry Seattle Citizens: 206-684-4000

Seattle Office of the Mayor @seattlemayorsoffice

WBDB’s = White Boys Dressed in Black