“ON THE OFFENSIVE”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Jan. 15, 2020) — “Hey, everybody, we’re down at the docks to welcome Professor Professor Wert back from another one of his expeditions, this time in the Transylvania region of Romania. Oh, okay. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ where if you hear it here you don’t have to hear it anywhere else, okay? Maybe answer one of those annoying questions from a viewer, like the last one, ‘Are you for real?’ This job is hard enough without extras. Anyway, the gangplank was just lowered by the crane so we’ll climb aboard and proceed to Wert’s stateroom; watch your step. We’re to go up one deck and it’s to the left, second door. Hey, Professor Wert, welcome back. How was the voyage?”
“Hello, Roving and crew. Nice to be back, and the first thing I’ll do is get myself a thick slice of Texas steak. We stopped in Liverpool, having departed from Hamburg, and I had my sights set on a cut of cow but was I ever surprised when all I got was a thin slab of gristle and fat. If it was Kobe beef fat it would have been delicious, sweet as a spring breeze, but it wasn’t. And this was at a four-star restaurant, too. The only food that’s any good in the whole British Isles is Stilton cheese, if you ask me. No wonder the English were great explorers: they were looking for good food.”
“That’s so true. Now, did you find what you were looking for and what brings you back now?”
“Hold on, Roving, one question at a time and, yes, I did find out what I was looking for, but in a most curious way. Here, you all sit down while I spin my yarn; I’ll sit on my trunk. Did you know I was doing anthropological research on vampires?”
“Vampires? For real?”
“For real. So, as I was saying, after traveling around for days, visiting here and there, a curio shop, a church, even a ‘Vampire Souvenir Shop,’ I came across a store in a little out-of-the way village called Straja, now known as a ski resort, but back a couple of hundred years ago it was a very dangerous place and I felt my skin crawl as the sun was setting over the mountains.”
“No way.”
“Trust me. You see, I was studying the most intricate and beautiful stained-glass windows at the church; each one told a story of darkness and death; of superstition and fear; of Old Wives safety tips. One stained-glass window had a depiction of garlic leaves as the border, another one of redbud leaves.”
“Did you take any pictures of them? Can we see them?”
“Yes, of course I took pictures, but when I got back to the bed and breakfast and looked at the photos they were all blank, although the pictures I took outside the church came out just fine.”
“Now that is strange.”
“You telling me? Anyway, it was getting dark and I was hustling back to my hotel when I found myself wandering down an unfamiliar street and, as I said, it was twilight – dusk – but there was one little store up ahead to my left with the light on, and for some reason the word ‘sanctuary’ came to mind.”
“Maybe because you were just at a church, like in ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame.’”
“Maybe. Anyway, I hurried to the door just as the proprietor was locking it. You know who he looked like? Ever have that Disney book of ‘Pinocchio?”
“You mean Geppetto?”
“Yes, that’s the one. I tried to open the door but he had his foot against it.”
“’You’re too late; I am closed. I’m sorry for you. Go away.’ I gave a mighty heave and the door flew open and knocked him on his back. I apologized as I helped him to his feet and explained that I was just at the church admiring the windows and lost track of time. He said, ‘Then you should have paid attention.’”
“’What a strange thing to say,’ I thought. So I asked him, ‘Paid attention to what?’”
“’They are real, you know. This is a beautiful land in the day, but not at night. Here, you can sleep on the couch in the office, in the back. I live upstairs and at sunrise I’ll let you out.’ “
“Creepy.”
“You telling me? Anyway, what could I do? So I stayed the night on the couch, but you know what the crazy thing was?”
“As if sleeping on the couch wasn’t crazy enough.”
“You got that right. Anyway, do you know what the shop sold? Nothing but stakes made of redbud, the tree from which Judas hanged himself. Nothing but stakes and all about the same size, about three feet long. He whittled them, right there in the shop. I bought one, but Customs wouldn’t let me bring it into the country, so I made chips out of it. See this bag? It’s full of wood chips from the redbud stake.”
“So you say redbud chips whittled from a stake are more powerful than garlic?”
“Yes, at least that’s what the old man told me and, according to the story of the stained glass, it’s true.”
“So this is what keeps vampires away?”
“Yes; the old man told me it keeps them away, just like garlic. He also said he supports Trump because he hates Socialism as much as Trump does, so I figure that as long as the Republicans are finally on the offensive…”
“For once.”
“That’s right: as long as the Republicans are on the offensive maybe they’ll call ALL the key players of the Deep State to testify at the Senate impeachment trial.”
“You mean like John Brennan and Lois Lerner?”
“Yes, two of many. I hope they call them all: Biden and all the others, but mostly get Obama on the stand and ask him where he was born and to prove it, and not try to pass off a doctored document as he did just before LTC Terry Lakin was released from prison asking to see the same thing.”
“Yes, that was very fishy*.”
“And I want to be there when Obama testifies and bring these chips and, hopefully drive him out of our country forever.”
“Will it work?”
“According to the story of the stained glass, redbud chips are more potent than a bushel of garlic: sure to drive bloodsuckers out.”
“’Bloodsuckers?’”
“Socialists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are bloodsuckers.”
“Wish you all the luck in the world. And with that, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Glad to have you back, Professor. Burger time: my treat.”
[*fishy: Loretta Fuddy drowned.]
“Monster Mash” (3:19)