“IT’S THE WHOLE WORLD”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Dec. 11, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the place to be for what’s important, and if we don’t have it, you don’t need to know it. That’s right, you’ve tuned in to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ your one stop for what you need to know to make it through all of your tomorrows. Who writes this stuff? Sounds a little too corny for me. You say our boss writes the leads? Pretty good, don’t you think? Okay, you know the drill, so let’s say we ask this old geezer about the State of the Union?”
“Who you calling an ‘old geezer,’ Sonny Boy? Why, half a century ago I could’ve whipped you with one arm tied behind my back.”
“I’m not denying it. So, mind telling us your name and answering the question?”
“Well, my name is ‘It’s a shambles’ and the State of the Union is ‘Fred.’”
“I say that kind-of sums it up for us all. Next in line, please.”
“Hello, Roving, and I’m fed up with two things: one, the Secretary of Defense is about as smart as the dumbest person on earth; I mean, can’t see a terorrist attack if it bit him, and it did; and, two, how come we have so many really dumb people in law enforcement? Let’s see if I’ve got this right: a bunch of Mohammads kill a bunch of people in a Kosher Deli and the cops are trying to figure out the motive. Gosh, now that’s a tough one. Maybe if there were no kosher delis and no synagogues and no churches and no crosses…”
“We get it: succumb to it all because the way it’s going we’re going to have to anyway; is that it?”
“We’re a country with no backbone; we are as lost as those cheering the impeachment hearings; we are, in fact, a flock of Chicken Littles running around in circles pointing; pointing at what? What are we pointing at? Who knows?”
“This your train? Okay, let’s break for a commercial.”
“Redneck Woman” (3:32)
“Oh, hello; you’re that playwright, aren’t you? What have you been working on lately?”
“And hello to you, too. I’ve been working on a play that I call ‘The Delusionals’ about some people who live in the Australian Outback who go from farm to farm during the ‘Changing of the Oil’ season.”
“Gee, you have no idea how exciting that sounds.”
“You don’t have to be sarcastic, Roving. It’s about the ridiculous of it all, is what.”
“Is ‘what’ what?”
“Look, we have a deposit on a lousy soda bottle but we don’t one on an oil filter, is what.”
“Oh.”
“And they sell oil but they don’t take the old oil back; oh, some do, but it’s got to be all.”
“All?”
“That’s the ‘what.’ That’s the meaning of the play, is what. Look, you can’t go around saving a slice of the world while you ignore all the other slices, what?”
“If you say ‘what’ one more time…”
“You’ll what?”
“I don’t know what I’ll do, but you’ll be sorry.”
“But it’s not just me; that’s what you don’t understand: it’s the whole world. Look, here’s the key: we mammals have to have fresh water*, and that’s the bottom line. I’m telling you, it’s the bottom line.”
“What is?”
“Fresh water is what. People dump used oil into the ground, throw the used oil filter into the landfill, and then what? Eventually the old oil contaminates the groundwater, the aquifers, the rivers and streams. Do you know that the Great Lakes hold ONE-QUARTER of earth’s fresh water supply?”
“Is that part of the play?”
“No, but it’s in the playbill. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and see about some seed money.”
“And off he goes and so do we and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, as usual. Burger time: my treat.”
[*fresh water: whoever controls fresh water is in the catbird’s seat.]
“Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport” (3:04)