“AN ANIMAL THAT FEEDS UPON ITSELF”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Oct. 14, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ where we’ve been invited to spend an evening with Professor Zorkophsky, the eminent author of numerous textbooks, novels and recently honored by Hollywood for the blockbuster ‘Dandelion War.’ We’re at the university in the Professor’s rather nice office, but before we get started, Professor Zorkophsky, I’d like to ask how come you’ve so many fireplaces and stoves?”
“Each one is dedicated to a specific task; for instance, in this Ben Franklin Stove I just burn junk mail. And, Roving, please call me ‘Zork’ as long as we’re in my plush office.”
“Then let me ask you this, Zork: I read your bio and I learned that you’ve a PhD, so if that’s the case, how come you don’t call yourself Doctor Zorkophsky instead of Professor Zorkophsky?”
“My handle used to be ‘Doctor’ but I got sick and tired of being asked about arthritis cures and ‘Little Mary’s runny nose’ while pushing the cart down the supermarket aisle, so that’s when I became a Professor, a change I’ve never regretted.”
“A good and honest answer if I ever heard one. Okay, you invited us over, so what’s the skinny?”
“I was in the midst of researching my next book, ‘Tempting Fate and Possible Repercussions,’ when I came across a paper I wrote while I was in college, ‘The Meaning of War and Peace Capsulized.’”
“Will the ‘Tempting Fate’ book be a textbook or a novel?”
“Both; it’ll be written as a novel but with plenty of information, like a work of fiction on today’s bestseller list.”
“Yes, I’ve noticed that, too. It’s been said in some circles that Tom Clancy got a little too close to the fire, if you get my meaning.”
“Yes; they say that John le Carré writes about the truth but decades late. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Crystal Blue Persuasion” (4:07)
“So, getting back to what I was talking about, War and Peace, it reminded me of a lot of sessions I’ve had with treating Manic Depressives; Depressives; The Really Sad; and PTSD sufferers. Or, to be succinct, those who don’t give the future as much credence as the rest of us.”
“Go on about your book report of War and Peace.”
“Well, here’s what I wrote: ‘In a nutshell, during a skirmish, when the noise was deafening and visibility reduced due to the smoke from cannons and muskets firing, the horse of the officer in charge bolted. The horse could’ve run in any direction, but it so happened, by chance or Fate, the horse bolted directly towards the enemy. Upon seeing their leader charge the enemy, the troops followed and the skirmish was won; hence the battle was won; hence the war was won, and it was all due to the random actions of a horse that determined the Fate of a nation.’ Well, what do you think, Roving?”
“Couldn’t have said it any better myself.”
“Right. So here’s the point: you know when you go to church and hear the sermon? Well, about 100% of the time the Golden Rule is referenced. I mentioned PTSD earlier and I want to combine the two, if I may, and my old book report.”
“Go ahead.”
“Making America Great Again is more than just a slogan; it’s a way of life. You see, what we should all strive to do is to make the day for at least one person on our planet more pleasant than otherwise. Here’s a couple of examples: yield and an ‘excuse me.’ Doesn’t cost a cent.”
“And the PTSD connection?”
“So when did people think that cheating or adultery was some kind of acceptable behavior in any circle of acquaintances? It never was, all the way back to the Garden of Eden.”
“And how does that tie into PTSD?”
“I’d say it’s the worst thing that a PTSD sufferer can go through: when a spouse throws it in their face, as if life isn’t hard enough when everything is going well. Cheating on your spouse is no different than lying to a best friend, so if they would lie to their best friend, how do you think they would treat others?”
“No Golden Rule?”
“Not a smidgen.”
“So where does Leo Tolstoy fit in?”
“Fate, as in you never know what the future will hold. My advice to these kooks who want to impeach the president for absolutely no reason – no proof of any impeachable offense – is to step back and give it some thought, and to help you along let me mention Germany in the 1940’s and today’s Venezuela. It’s very simple: Bernie Sanders is a liar: Socialism hasn’t worked, doesn’t work, and will not work.”
“Why won’t Socialism work?”
“Socialism is built on the pyramid scheme of economics that isn’t sustainable.”
“In English, Zork.”
“Socialism isn’t sustainable because the government doesn’t produce goods; it only provides services, and many, if not all, the services don’t measure up compared to what the private sector can offer. Competition drives excellence; just look at the Mayo Clinic.”
“How many fireplaces and stoves do you have in your complex here?”
“As of today, 27.”
“I’m sorry, folks, but I see we’ve run out of time and so, on behalf of the crew, let me wish you each a goodnight. Before I do, let me reservedly welcome a new Angel Mom, Mrs. Buchanan, into the many families who had a child or spouse killed by an illegal immigrant. Goodnight.
“I guess the moral, as far as Mrs. Buchanan is concerned: be careful what you wish for. Big government doesn’t work for the people: it’s an animal that feeds upon itself, and that’s Socialism in a nutshell. Burger time: my treat.”
“The Last Kiss” (2:27)