“I DON’T GET IT”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Aug. 21, 2019) — “Zyklon calling Henry; pick up, Henry.”
“Hello, ‘Exalted One,’ Henry here at your service.”
“For some reason I can only receive the ceremony known as ‘baseball’ on my radio set. From what I gather, it must be a pretty bloody sport, but people seem to enjoy it; I heard one announcer state that there were 47,000 for an ‘elimination’ game.”
“Yes, ‘Ruler of the Known.’”
“And then there was a batter who fouled a ball and the announcer stated that he was ‘still alive.’”
“I listened to the same game, ‘My Greatness.’”
“And he was because he caught a ‘high fly’ later on. They seem to want to ‘get home’ pretty desperately, don’t you think?”
“They sure do, my ‘Ruler of All.’ They take turns ‘running home.’”
“But didn’t you once report that they have cars and trains? Why don’t they drive or ride some public conveyance to get home?”
“I think the life experience known as ‘baseball’ is evolving; perhaps they’ll have subways or moving sidewalks in the future.”
“I heard an announcer say that the batter jogged to first base when he was awarded a ‘walk,’ so why didn’t he walk? What gives with these people? One guy said some other guy ‘flew out.’ You mean they can just up and leave? I don’t get it.”
“You’re not the only one. Listen: these Americans had a game at a stadium and all they talked about was what was the preferred food for the sea gulls: potato chips or French fries?”
“You mean while a baseball game was in progress all they talked about was the favorite food of sea gulls?”
“That’s right, matter-of-fact, one of the announcers told the outfield cameraman to buy a bag of chips and one of fries and put them on the steps to see which went first.”
“Well?”
“Oh, sorry. It was a tie.”
“Funny, they discuss the eating habits of sea gulls while they conduct sacrifices at home, isn’t that right?”
“As always, ‘Zyklon the Magnificent.’ Yes, they only sacrifice while at home, never on the road or any other place. It is somewhat confusing, especially when they talk about ‘pens.’”
“’Pens’? You mean for animals, that kind of pen?”
“Right again, ‘Zyklon Knowing All.’ They call them ‘bull pens.’ And they sell ‘dogs’ that they eat while they watch the sacrifices. Meanwhile, while all this is going on, those who are not out on the field of play are hiding, out of sight, in dugouts.”
“Canoes? I don’t get it; why would they hide in canoes?”
“No, not ‘dugout canoes,’ dugouts down in the ground. Apparently they hide to save themselves from being sacrificed; I don’t really know. As I said, it’s confusing.”
“You telling me. I hear a lot of yelling at times.”
“They take great care in a little white spherical object that they either want to keep or they want to knock out of the field so the other team can’t have it, then they yell.”
“And they like this sport?”
“That they do. You see, it’s kind-of like reading tea leaves, if you get my drift.”
“Explain.”
“Well, they say with a man on second with two outs in the bottom of the fifth, and the count is 2-2, the likelihood of a bunt is 53.876% if the wind is from the right field in the month of August, and they’ll cite statistics going back 100 years to back up what they’re saying.”
“One hundred years?”
“ One hundred years. And they have Zebras, too.”
“And are there Zebra pens?”
“No, zebras are the judges, the referees, the umpires: the people who enforce the rules of the game. The announcers don’t call them zebras, but the fans do. Basketball and football judges wear black-and-white striped shirts so they look like real Zebras.”
“Real Zebras?”
“As far as the shirt goes, that is. For every safety spot on the field there’s a Zebra.”
“Safety spot?”
“Sure. So a player hits the round thing and runs to a safe spot, and if he steps off the safe spot and gets touched by the round thing he’s ‘out.’”
“For good?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I never…And you say it’s popular entertainment for the masses?”
“You got it, boss.”
“What do you say we go to one of these things in person sometime? See you later, Henry.”
“Go Cubs Go” (2:49)