Roving Trapped in the Hinterland (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2019

Photo: Magnus Manske, Wikipedia, CC by SA 3.0

(Aug. 10, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another on-the-road episode of ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ That’s right, we’re out of the big city and the closest neon lights are hours away. We’re tucked in the deep dark woods, not too many miles from the Canadian border, at an old folks’ home where the doors are locked at sunset and if one is unlucky enough to find themselves locked out, well, wolves and bears eat humans, you know? No one here asks what happened to the little old lady at Table 5 when she mysteriously fails to appear at breakfast. I guess some things are best left unsaid, if you know what I mean. They say inquisitiveness killed the cat.

“And to make matters worse, the days are getting shorter so night seems to catch the unwary by surprise, and if it’s one thing you don’t want at an old folks’ home, it’s a surprise. The folklore is that there’s a monster out there, lurking to pounce upon the unwary, the uneducated, and the unread. This monster has been known to eat the reasoning part of the brain, which may explain why that old man at Table 7 uses his knife to eat peas and a fork for ice cream.

“I almost got locked out tonight. I forgot the charging cord for my laptop and the only reason I made it back was that one of the old ladies at Table 3 was a wee bit late finishing her after-dinner constitution. I shudder at the thought of taking Bernie Sanders’ side on anything or to make an excuse for Ilhan Omar for being “inexperienced” in making it a little too obvious her hatred for Jews, Israel, white males and the Constitution.

“Well, now, as long as I’m a captive guest, we might as well make the most of it and interview someone. Excuse me, Mister; care to be interviewed on live TV? Roving here for ‘Pulse.’”

“Care? I don’t think so; besides, I gave at the office. I got enough care as it is, so much, in fact, I couldn’t care less. What a way to scam money, that’s what I always told them: Obamacare is just another crooked scheme that the insurance companies used to reach into our pockets.”

“You know, you’re right about that. If we were an honest group of people, I, for one, would like to know where every cent went to construct the website for Obamacare and where the Stimulus Money went.”

“My too, Sonny Boy. ‘Roving’ is sure a strange-sounding name.”

“It’s my stage name, you know, as in ‘Roving Reporter (RR).’ So, what do you people do around here to pass the time?”

“Look, you little whippersnapper, you can’t use certain words here, and the word ‘pass’ is first on the list. Here, I’ll show you. See?”

“They give you a list of words not to speak, really? Okay, how about explaining #2: burn?”


“Number 8: pole vault?”


“Okay, thank you for taking the time…”

“Stop! You said the word ‘time.’ Look at the sheet, number four: time.”


“His time was up.”

“Okay, we’re breaking for a commercial.”

I Don’t Hurt Anymore” (3:04)

“Hello, Miss, mind if I ask you a few questions? Roving here for ‘Pulse.’

“Okay. Sounds like fun. What do I win if I get the question correct?”

“Why, nothing; you see, there are no right and wrong answers. So, tell us your name and what are you retired from?”

“Name is Carol but you can call me Ruby.”

“Now why would I want to call you Ruby?”

“Ha ha! Got ya! See, ‘Carol’ is the correct answer, so the ‘why’ I’ve got figured. You owe me $5.”

“What did you used to do, work for the DNC?”

“No, I was a college professor and warped kids’ minds. I taught the little kiddies make-believe stories about the land where everything is free and nobody has to do anything: the sidewalks shovel themselves and the cows milk themselves; planes fuel themselves and grocery store shelves stock themselves; trains maintain themselves and big-screen TV’s build themselves. But, to tell you the truth, I had a sideline business where I told fortunes. You see, my family originally came from Transylvania, and I must say your opening wasn’t that far off.”

“Oh, really? In what way?”

“That the night holds many secrets; what one thinks is revealed in the daylight may in actuality only be exposed during the dark of night.”

“You speak in riddles, old woman.”

“I speak with sincere legitimacy; I speak with candor wrought through generations of suspicion; I speak obscurely through necessity; I speak the truth and it’s up to you to sort it out. What good is giving a child an allowance if it’s not earned? What possible benefit can a people glean if Welfare and Food Stamps are not bought with effort other than filling out a form and that’s the end of it? Affirmative action has set back those it was designed to help: in Chicago some people were paid off because they couldn’t read or write when applying for a city job. We venerate the Teachers’ Union when we should vilify them; we exonerate the Obamas when they deserve to be accused of exacerbating the discussion about Socialism; and we give credence to emotional manipulators who deserve to be called out for suggesting the possibility of a safer world in which honest folk are left defenseless.”

“So, what’s the solution? You can’t send everyone back to school and teach them how to think for themselves.”

“No, but you can teach them how to pay attention.”

“Sounds fine, but how? How do you teach people to change the channel from CNN to Newsmax? How do you convince people to look at a television commercial in numerous ways, and not just the obvious visual, which tugs at the emotional level and not at the monetary or intellectual level? How can you teach someone to look for the signs of subliminal suggestions?”

“Simple: all you have to do is to be smarter than the people who are trying to fool you. Listen: first of all is the repetition of a word; second is to recognize clues, such as in the placement of the actors or props in the commercial and not just skin hue and facial hair, but various coverings from scarves to boots and everything in between. Next time Biden has a political rally, count how many hijabs you see among the people sitting behind him and their skin color. Surprise, maybe they’re not dark-toned at all; so what, all of a sudden Christians are renouncing the Golden Rule? Get real, so you have to ask yourself: what are they really selling?”

“Sounds as if you could make a game out of it.”

“Well, that’s a good point, even if you go over it in your own mind. You see, visual impressions are the strongest, followed by the impression of repetition, which is followed by (subliminal or otherwise) suggestion.”

“And that’s why television and movies are so powerful: they attack you three ways at the same time. Thanks for talking with is. Let’s take a break.”

Gypsy Woman” (2:41)

“Okay, that was pretty interesting. And who do we have here?”

“Mike, the name’s Mike. We used to get ‘Pulse’ on our satellite dish couple years ago. Your show caused quite a stir at times. What’s the question of the day?”

“Who is behind this Socialism push here in America?”

“Used to be a cop; well, used to be a private eye; well, used to be a guard at a warehouse; well, I did collect money at a toll booth.”

“So from a cop to working in a toll booth? Ah, the connection: the uniform.”

“Ladies love a uniform. You know, when it’s advertised that the Hong Kong tailors are in town and you can get good suits cheap? It’s true.”

“So you were a lady’s man?”

“Look at this crease:  sharp as a knife. Now, from my experience I say, ‘Follow the money.’ Who gets campaign contributions from who and where. You know, once the trade deal with China is all ironed out, a lot of politicians won’t get their monthly check from Red China. Too bad for them; good for the country.”

“Hey, will you look at the time? And so, this is your Roving Reporter, on behalf of the crew, wishing our viewers and readers a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time when we get out of here: my treat.”

City of New Orleans” (3:41)


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