“THE TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Mar. 30, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to what I feel to be one heck of an exciting show here at ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ one of the only shows left that isn’t afraid to call a stupid idiot a stupid misguided and mentally-challenged extra-colossal large gargantuan idiot. Heck, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and we’re back in Professor Zorkophsky’s office here at the university to find out about his new play, ‘Lunacy.’ Hello, Professor; you really stirred the hornet’s nest up with this one, but then you’ve never been afraid of controversy, have you?”
“No, Roving, reporting the truth seems to be courting an occupation fraught with hazard these days, so I take extra-extra care to double-check everything I write. Let me give you a for-instance: for instance, if I say that Ilhan Omar is so anti-Constitution and anti-everything America stands for, you can take it to the bank. Or maybe I say that Rashida Talib is a, well, let me say that if it were up to me, I’d put her at the head of the line of deportations for her rabid rants against our president (besides being a Muslim); am I making myself clear? And, please, Roving, call me ‘Zork,’ since there’s no need to be so formal in my humble office.”
“Will do, Zork; now tell us, please, what the play is all about, like, who are the main characters?”
“The play is about what drives some people to bedlam.”
“Is bedlam a place?”
“In a way, yes. You see, bedlam is a condition of the mind, a condition that leads the mind to a crazy place called ‘bedlam’ that makes the person see reality as a pretend-made-up existence that has absolutely no basis in reality; it’s a place where facts have no meaning; a place where lies are truth and truth is the nonsense spouted by the unbelievers of the world.”
“No kidding?”
“I do not kid about my life’s work, Roving.”
“Of course not, and I’m sorry if you took my question asked as being cavalier. So, who are the main characters of your play?”
“I’ll do you one better: I’ll let you read it for your viewers.”
“But we won’t have enough time.”
“You’ll have enough time: trust me.”
“If you say so.
LUNACY
As the audience files in, “Mystery Train” (2:27) is played and, as the song ends, the curtain rises. The stage is set as a train platform; it’s dark and the only lighting is from a few dim platform lights as we see the rear of a passenger train pulling out stage left, leaving the two men looking after it. One of the men turns to the other:
First man: “Well, Mr. Adam Schiff, here we are.”
Second man: “That we are, Joe Scarborough.”
As the men are left looking off to stage left, “Moonlight Sonata” (2:29) is heard. Near the end of the music, the curtain lowers, as the house lights are turned on and, just before the curtain touches the stage floor, an announcement comes over the PA speakers:
“Gentlemen, the train has left the station.”
FINI
“And that’s it?”
“I said you had enough time.”
“Okay, we’re out of here. Nice play; short, but to the point. And now, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Okay, Zork, you wrote the World’s Shortest Play, congratulations. Burger time: my treat.”
“Stood Up” (1:50)