AMERICAN CIVICS 101
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Mar. 20, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the ever-popular information center for thinking people. Look, if you’re an idiot and lost your childhood to lies, for example, Socialism, Obama’s ‘You can keep your doctor,’ and the belief that the US NAVY has an inkling of how to keep sailors safe, i.e., not issuing ammo to the sentries on the USS Cole, don’t waste your time watching or reading this transcript of the show. Of course, on the other hand, if you’re a believer in the Constitution then you’re more than welcome: you’re automatically enrolled in the ‘Army of the OPOVV.’ I know some of you may think medals are an important part of being in the military, but I don’t: if you really want a medal, let me know and I’ll buy you a Hershey Bar. Okay, what do you say we get this show on the road? Excuse me, Miss, Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ the informative news show that’s, well, liked a lot.”
“That’s it? ‘Liked a lot’ is the best you can do? Ever think about getting a job that you’re good at?”
“So what does the National Organization for Women think about FGM and Judge Jeanine’s monolog the other day that got her suspended from FOX?”
“Haven’t heard a peep; not a thing; not even a whimper from NOW.”
“Neither have we. So, let me ask you this: why has the most powerful women’s group in America remained silent on two of the most important women’s issues of the day?”
“Because they support FGM and women being treated as second-class citizens?”
“We live in a rhetorical world; maybe NOW is being used, maybe by the same people who run the SPLC; who knows? So, what’s your name and where are you off to today?”
“I’m Liz; how do you do, Roving? I’m off to the Oriental Institute to study the Egyptian artifacts.”
“That’s nice. So, let me ask you about Judge Jeanine.”
“Sorry to run, but here’s my train. Bye.”
“Bye. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Just a Little” (2:20)
“I forgot to say we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station, where we interview our neighbors on their way to the big city. We ambush them, is what we do; catch them off-guard, hopefully. Excuse me, Roving for ‘Pulse.’”
“Hey, Honey, look, it’s Roving and crew.”
“Run along, folks. Wouldn’t want to take a chance and miss your train, now, would we? That’s it; cross the street. Move along now. Gee, but that was close. Iowa hicks; I mean, really now. Let me ask you this: is there anyone in Iowa who understands the philosophy our Founding Fathers had when they came up with the Electoral College or, for that matter, the Second Amendment? We’re not culling deer here. Oh, my, will you look at that: it’s the General pushing his chalkboard down the sidewalk and he’s coming our way. Too late; he’s seen us. Top of the mornin’, General; may the wind always be at your back.”
“Not if you’re stalking the enemy, sailor, but you swabbies wouldn’t know anything about that.”
“Oh, I don’t know, General: they say fish can smell.”
“Aren’t you supposed to snap to attention when addressing a superior officer? I think I read that somewhere.”
“If it’ll make you feel better, here’s a hand salute.”
“You’re out of uniform, son. You’re not supposed to salute unless you’re in uniform, or didn’t they teach you that in Boot Camp?”
“Yes, Sir, that they did. So, are you going to draw us some lines on your board?”
“I’ll court-martial you like they did LTC Terry Lakin, son, and I won’t let you use the defense that you’re a civilian or, for that matter, any defense, just as they treated Lakin. Now, let me draw you some lines: pay attention. See this rectangle? That’s Iowa. Now look at all these curved lines; air routes. Let me draw you an airplane, a real airplane — like an A-10 — and what do you say we load it up with 500-pounders. Now these other lines – I’ll make them dashes – are the roads that RV’s will use to go around Iowa. Understand?”
“Perfectly, Sir. Nice map. Maybe the General will be needing a nap, I mean, with all of your map work.”
“A weekend in the stockade, son, that’s where you belong.”
“There’s talk of reparations.”
“Nonsense; bunch of crybaby liberal New England Yankees who don’t have a backbone in their body, letting the statues of the Civil War be removed. Why, Americans gave their lives to keep our country together and these immature crybabies who get OFFENDED ought to learn how to read a little bit of history. One thing I do know: never let them near Rome, Italy; no way. How embarrassing, seeing a bunch of American crybabies standing in the shadow of the Colosseum crying because, well, what would they be crying over?”
“It wouldn’t be the fact that Christians were sacrificed, would it?”
“No, no: they would like Christians to be sacrificed: there’s no God in Socialism, son: just the State. Give all to those in power, and it’s never enough. Why, just look at what happened to the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia: in order to show fidelity to the State, many adherents murdered their own families to appease the unappeasable State, just to show their sincerity.”
“Nutsville.”
“You telling me. So what’s the question?”
“The question, General, is what’s your view on reparations to the families of slaves in the year, say, 1780? 1840? 1865?”
“But first there were the American Indians, isn’t that right? Are we to not consider the Redskins, as in an exception-to-the-rule sort of thing? You don’t know this, but I know Chief New Leaf, and I know what he’d say. The Chief would say forget yesterday, let’s think about the here and now. Let’s get some reparation on making our government schools a place of learning rather than places of indoctrination in the Socialist Way. The Chief would have the Teachers’ Union run out of town on a rail. And the Chief would have all those Confederate statues replaced and if anyone got offended, bring them to me and I’ll straighten them out.”
“And how would you do that, General?”
“Make them take a course in American Civics; make them memorize the Gettysburg Address, the Pledge of Allegiance and the meaning of the words to our National Anthem. I’d teach them the reason why we stand when we salute the flag, why we pay homage to those who sacrificed their lives so we can have the freedoms that we enjoy, and not kowtow to a bunch of anti-vaccination ragheads from the Middle East. And I’d teach them to support our freedom-fighters — such as Judge Jeanine — 110%, for being on the front lines fighting the good fight.”
“Well-said, General. Look, I hate to cut this short, but we’ve run out of time and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another one in the can. Burger time: my treat.”
“Summertime” (4:00)