“‘BIRD’ IS THE WORD”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Feb. 6, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that reveals what our neighbors are thinking. As you can see, we’re back on our corner across the street from the railroad depot where we ask commuters questions of interest; at least that’s the plan. And because it’s such an unseasonably warm day, we’ve quite a line, so let’s roll up our sleeves and get right down to it. Since you’re first in line, what’s your name, where are you off to and what bugs you the most?”
“Hello, Roving, my name is Mark and I’m off to raise some venture capital. I’m what you call an idea-man: I think of an idea for a product and go from there.”
“Well, then, Mark, please tell us some of your accomplishments, if you would.”
“If I could.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that; you mind repeating what you just said?”
“Now you’re beginning to sound just like my wife and brother-in-law. I haven’t actually had an idea reach the final stage, so to speak.”
“Oh, that’s a shame, and I bet you’ve had some great ones. What’s your latest idea?”
“Well, are you familiar with MAD Magazine? You are? My idea is to publish a women’s edition, and I’d replace Alfred E. Newman with the likeness of how Kamala Harris looked at the SOTU speech the other night.”
“Actually that’s a pretty good idea, Mark, and we wish you well. Next?”
“Hello, Roving, I’m Julie and I’m a little old lady: I turned 71 last October. I enjoy your show, but we don’t seem to get it on the television set anymore so my daughter stops by and reads you; eyesight isn’t what it used to be and, come to think of it, nothing else is, either. I watched President Trump the other night and I felt so sorry for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because she didn’t have a clue on how to behave, did she? She’d stand and then look around to see what she should do; such a little lost sheep. Excuse me while I powder-up.”
“And off she goes, so let’s take this opportunity to throw in a commercial.”
“You Ain’t Much Fun” (2:27)
“And you’re next; mind telling us your name and did you watch the president’s speech?”
“You bet I did, sonny boy. And did you see Bernie’s face when Trump took him to the woodshed? Priceless, I tell you. I’m still laughing and I’m glad I recorded it.”
“I take it you mean Bernie Sanders blushing when Trump declared that there will be ‘no Socialism in the USA’.”
“Precisely; one of the most memorable moments on TV. Excuse me, like to talk it to death but there’s my train. Bye.”
“Bye. Never did get his name. Well, well, look what the cat dragged in: Professor Zorkophsky. What brings you down here, slumming?”
“Just going for an early morning walk, that’s all. It’s such a beautiful morning; be a shame to waste it cooped indoors.”
“I’m glad we ran into each other, Professor, because there’s something I wanted to ask you.”
“Go right ahead, Roving, but you can call me ‘Zork’ since we’re not in a formal setting; what’s the question?”
“I take it you watched Trump’s speech; well, at one time I think the Democrats started to boo when Trump badmouthed Socialism and Pelosi fluttered her hands to quiet them; did I read that right?”
“No, Roving, you didn’t. You see, Nancy was having what we professional psychiatrists call an episode brought on by a number of medically-related issues. She was having what we call a ‘flight escape moment’ and, subconsciously speaking, her DNA that relates to birds took control of her motor skills and she attempted to fly away.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I never kid about medical diagnoses.”
“Do you actually mean she was attempting to really fly away?”
“Precisely; I thought I made that clear. You see, part of her brain is bird-like, so if you accuse Nancy Pelosi of being a birdbrain you’d be 100% correct.”
“Well, thank you, Zork; I guess that explains a lot. And now, unfortunately, it’s time for me to wish you all, on behalf of the crew, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Hey, Zork, burger time: my treat.”
“Bird is the Word” (2:20)