by OPOVV, ©2019

(Jan. 27, 2019) — It’s a typical boring night on guard duty at a good-for-nothing post in Afghanistan.

“Want to hear a joke?”

“Not now; besides, you don’t tell jokes: all you do is think you’re making intellectual comments that aren’t funny. Tell the truth, I’m tired of it.”

“Okay, then, what if instead of giving you a one-liner, I give you a one-worder?”

“Yeah, okay: I guess that’ll work. Go ahead and try me.”


“I’m ready.”

“Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.”

“That’s pretty good. Got any more?”

“Paul Ryan. John McCain. Nancy Pelosi. The US House of Representatives for allowing Lois Lerner to just get up and walk out the door, and then retire, and then collect her full pension. An endless supply of one-liners.”

“You know, don’t you, that’s there’s a fine line between funny and sad; love and hate; and between do I chew and swallow or just capitulate and spit it out?”

“No, I didn’t know that; why don’t you explain it to me?”

“No need to cop an attitude; all I’m doing is trying to help pass the time.”

“So how did you rate getting the mid-watch*?”

“I guess I complained and said, ‘Why don’t we just shoot them all and then go home?’”

“Me, too, but not quite so bluntly: I said, ‘Maybe we don’t leave anything behind so they can’t sell it on the black market. Stop the kickbacks’ — that sort of thing.”

“You know, don’t you, whenever we pull out of a country their GNP rises thousands of percent? Just look at it: we dig the minerals out of the ground; we make it into something usable, such as a truck; transport it over here and all they do is steal the gas to get it to India and then make all kinds of profit. Not bad. Plus they’re smart: they get paid in gold; they don’t take any Rupees or Euros. See some of these hovels around here? Why, there could be a millionaire living in one of them and you’d never know it.”

“You’re right, but they’ll still murder their daughter for looking at a boy.”

“And bury her alive in the back yard.”

“Here’s one: in the backyards of suburbia USA, people dig up the bones of the previous owner’s pets; in a Muslim country, they dig up the wives and daughters of the previous owners.”

“That’s pretty good.”

“Hear about that newbie**, a Spec 4, who got himself a clean kill the other night over near the front gate?”

“I heard. I also heard it was his first night on guard, too. Lucky guy.”

“You better believe it. The way I heard it, this raghead comes running up screaming ‘Allahu Akbar!’ stops, throws off his jacket revealing a suicide vest, and he’s standing there, right in front of the gate, pushing a button in his hand and nothing happens, so he’s tearing at the wires all the while screaming ‘Allahu Akbar!’ and, get this, he’s crying he’s so frustrated.”

“And then what?”

“Then the newbie lights him up. Put it on full auto and ran through the whole clip.”

“And the vest never went off?”

“Not a peep.”

“Wish we could be that lucky.”

“Me, too.”

[*mid-watch: 2400-0400.]

[**newbie: new guy; Boot; green-around-the-gills.]


Mr. Lonely” (2:43)


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  1. “Okay, then, what if instead of giving you a one-liner, I give you a one-worder?”

    Fine, then, what if I give you a funny one-worder kudo?


  2. If a follow-up is done on this story the Newbie will most-likely end up in the same situation as Green Beret Matt Golsteyn; that is charged with murder. After all the suicide bomb in this article didn’t go off, and the suicide bomber was running away. The new stupid USA would vote to allow him to run back home, get a new suicide vest and return to kill infidels. After all the suicide bomber has rights too.